The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last night i went off on one of my ah friends, saying he was a bad influence on my husband and if things didn't change, i would make them change. when this guy or any of his friends come over it give him the right to drink and get away from me. He is saying i am the crazy one, i need help he wants to go to my therapy lady and tell her about my Quote ups and downs. I finally figured out what he considers my ups and downs. Im ok when he is doing the right thing and then when he gets around his friends that are protecting him, i go crazy. Don't i have the right to be mad???? that is what he is calling my downs. I have a right as a wife to tell him it is not a good thing what he is doing. i am not going to just sit back like my mom did and not say anything. i won't. He keeps saying i have done everything you want me to do, not go to bars,run off all of his "bad" friends, what else do you want me to do? I told him i what you to recognize what you are doing, you make those choices. why won't he make those choices? I sure he has told all his friends that i am the crazy one and am causing all the problems. I am sure they are tell him what to do and say. I told him I think you would be alot happier if me and our son left, so you can be the person you what to be. all he said was that he loves me and zach. of course he blamed it all on me. it's my fault. I said maybe i should just stay in the house and not come out and not call you and not say anything, Is that what you want me to do? just let you do what ever you want to do. He said why do you have to go to the exteme? I don't know if i am stong enough to go through this. Thank you for your in sight. charr
Three C's : You did not CAUSE it You cannot CONTROL it You cannot CURE it
I've been there and did what you did, it made absolutely no difference to my situation but made me feel bad.
You are not crazy, If you're like me, you may have done some crazy things from time to time but that does not mean we are crazy.
Bring the focus back to the only person you have control over-You. Be kind and gentle and loving with yourself.
I hope you feel better soon, I wasted so much time concentrating on what my husband was doing wrong and right that I dismissed all of the beautiful gifts in my life.
Thanks to my HP, I now see and appreciate some of the good stuff everyday. Like the love of my children and the wonderful people they are, my alanon friends, nice weather, bad weather and even my husband-warts and all!
I am having trouble seperating why he can do all those things and i/we suffer for it. Is it just leting go, How do i go throught the program and still be his wife/ or act like a good and caring wife, If i just stand back and let him do what he did 10 months ago, which i did, he did what ever and whenever he wanted and did some things that were unexceptable, and kept saying do you for give me and being snotty and shitty and cursing. but now fast forward to februray, i stood up and asked him what the hell is going, Then all the obsessing and gut renching feelings of hurt and lies and not being truthful, secrecy, hiding. I am so exhausted. And he says i have the problem and not him, so if i go back to not caring and not noticing what he is doing, and taking all the hurtful crappy remarks is better than trying to help. i guess i don't want to fail, our marraige to fail, that is my fear, my security, my comfort zone.
You're in the right place. Most of us have been where you are now. Alanon teaches us not offer advice, but to share our experience, strength and hope (ESH). I would suggest you try to find a local face-to-face Alanon meeting. You will be welcomed with open arms by a group of people who have been through what you're facing and have survived - and even thrive.
If you have the time, go through some of the posts on this board; you can learn a lot here. There are meetings online if you can't get to one IRL, and the chat room is open often. You'll find a lot of support and unconditional love here.
One thing from Alanon that helped me when I first started coming here was this: The Alcoholic is going to drink, or not - what are you going to do?
You can set boundaries, but if they're not boundaries you're willing to stick to, they're meaningless. But you don't have to decide everything right now. Deciding not to decide is a decision!
Charr.... what you did was not a "bad" thing, and of course you have every "right" to be mad.....
What our program ultimately teaches us is that what you did last night, to a bunch of active A's, is fruitless, and a waste of YOUR energy - energy that could be better used on you.....
Making threats and/or ultimatums to your A is typically exhausting for you, and doesn't even register with the A.... Try to avoid telling him what you are "gonna do" (i.e. in a threatening or "you'd better change or else" mode). When you are clear on your path, and know it is the one you want/need to take, then take action.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say..... A's only judge us by our actions, not by our words....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think its called a double bind. You've name it, he doesn't want to see it. Alcoholism thrives on chaos. Of course its impossible to an active alcholic's wife, that's the idea. He can run around and tell everyone what a bad wife he has and be away from the responsibility of his drinking. The issue is what does all the dramarama and chaos do for you. For me it left me overwrought, exhausted and fed up and also feeling targeted.
I think al anon is a hard graft at first, hard to see where the good is in for us. I know for me I spent a lot of time wondering how it would help, then I started to do some things like detach, not clean up his messes, focus on me and I saw that no matter what I did he drank anyway. I felt like I had some control but I didn't really. I can't even count the number of times the A crashed the truck I bought, but I held on regardless. And of course I made myself sick, very very very very sick.
Then I started to do things like detach if he went out and did stuff I did not comment unless I had detached and processed it. Then I would make a swift comment. Not arguing was a whole new place for me. I felt very awkward at first of course the A set things up to provoke me but I kept posting and kept at it.
There is way through this, trusting others is and was not in my vocabulary. I begged other people to help me with the A for years, blamed everyone, sought out solace in all the wrong places and then I got here. Then after a long long long time of feeling totally victimized I started doing some of the suggestions then eventually I found my whole life changing because of them.
He may actually think you are the "crazy" one. That does not make it true. You sound so much like me, before I started going to face to face alanon meetings. and I still sound that way some time. I have spent alot alot of time thinking I was the crazy one if not surely I could fix this? Go to face to face meetings, remember you didn't cause it, you can not control it and you can't cure it. But you can feel better about yourself!!! Trust me Alanon saved my heart mind and I only cry sometimes now and it was every day at one time. Keep coming back and ask about face to face meetings if your not already going!
I could have written your post myself...word for word! After a very long weekend of what I felt was constant arguing, bickering, and trying to reason with the A I finally realized that he is completely out of control and that I am NOT the crazy one as he says frequently. I realize now I have been saying all the wrong things and doing all the wrong things and I have been reacting to his every move. I feel he is now feeding off my reacting. Hang in there and keep posting. You are not alone!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
at 330 i had a chance to sneak out with my son and buy some books at the book store, hopeing to get what i need at mondays meeting also.
i got 4 books The courage to change
Codependants guide to the 12 steps
codependant no more melody beattie
Reclaim your family from addiction How couples and families recover love and meaning.
I think it is a start.
I have got a book from the 70's JOY about meditation too, i have been trying for about 3 days.
I am going to try and start tomorrow out with a smile and try to forget about this nightmare.
I feel i need some type of friendship, i never had any real friends, my husband always found fault, so i quit trying. My sister is an A and I don't trust her.
Thank you for letting me feel like i am part of a group.
