The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother's day was exactly as I imagined it last week when I posted. I was alone all day. No grandchild was here to see me; his mother saw to that, obviously expressing her anger with me from a phone call gone bad Friday morning. Said call to scream about my son to me and his neglect to do something she had demanded he do. Actually he couldn't do it since he is flat and financially broke from payday to payday. She won't accept that he can't write a check without sufficient funds to do so, regardless of how much he might like to help. He pays child support religiously, so it wasn't that. I stepped in and wrote a check for a significant amount just to get her to shut up....of course, it probably just made her mad in spite of getting her way. I did it again.....made things my business and made things worse.
My son has been angry with me for days...actually he is angry with her and puts her face on me and there he goes. It is illogical and irrational. I guess because I will allow it, it happens. He hung up on me four times yesterday, twice on Saturday, and a couple times two days prior. We are at an all-time low on communications. When he gets to this low depressed state, he will drink to kill his pain. So I imagine this weekend was exactly that for him; I couldn't tell just by talking to him.
I think I am going to have to somehow get out of this mess. Is detachment ever just completely giving up, stopping all communication, and moving away? Does it ever come to that? I worry that I will lose my sanity over this. And it is hard to see how other people come through stuff and still be standing. I feel as if I can't get up today. Truly.
Serenity of mind and soul is up to us to achieve. It is certain that neither son, nor ex daughter-in-law, nor grandchild are going to help provide that peace for you. So, yes Oma, I believe there are times when detachment involves a complete break, albeit hopefully temporarily, from those whose relationships with us have become toxic. It is sad that the innocent child is affected.
I cannot help but wonder who initiated the eight phone calls during which your son hung up. I would not have been on the phone the second time to be "hung up" on, but that's just me. Same goes with listening to ex dil scream over the phone and son misdirecting his anger. It is impossible to scream at or argue with one's self. A simple, "I will not become involved" might do wonders for all of you.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think its taken me a few years to see how I give my power away to others. On my birthday I was absolutely resolute that I would not be disappointed or devastated which is my norm for any kind of a holiday. I was not but it was not without temptations to go into real self pity.
I live around really dysfunctional people I could be pulled into their stuff in a heartbeat. That was always my norm. That was why I got stuck with an A boyfriend for 7 years, I never did set limits with him. I was always on re-act formula.
The blessing of al anon is that if you do practice some of the tools it gives you the space to start seeing when and how you give the power of being calm and collected away. Of course talk about practising in "hell" but it is nevertheless possible to get some "space' and see what exactly I do to contribute to the issue. One huge issue for me is self pity. I have to really super practice not going to self pity, reminding myself "who am I comparing myself to?"
I truly believe that statement to be true. What if......you'd have pre-imagined it differently? If you'd believed it to be a joyous day? Maybe not in the traditional sense of Mother's Day, but filled with joy none the less. Everything you do sends off energy waves. Make your waves bold and enthusiastically send them to others. The smallest acts can have the biggest impact. A simple glance or a word whispered can penetrate time and create endless scenarios of joy and happiness to you and others.
-- Edited by Christy at 00:39, 2008-05-13
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha Omajoy!! You named the solution "Imagine it; now follow thru on it. The power of imagination is HP given for a purpose and I believe that it is greater vision, the ability to see beyond the now and arrive at a better place that is healthier and happier. Imagine breaking away from that war that is your son and daughter-in-law. Imagine not writing the checks. Imagine an abuseless life...Imagine and follow thru with it.
