need advice asap! - Al-Anon Family Group

meagain · Veteran Member

need advice asap!

beth280 · Newbie

I say take the high road and respond to your ex
with grace and dignity. By now, I am sure that he knows how to push your buttons and that is what he is doing. Then either your sons see your reaction and judge your behavior or your ex lets them know how you reacted. The best way to diffuse a "button pusher" is not to react at all. At first your ex will try even harder to get you to blow up or act inappropriately but, in time, your sons will see that your ex is trying to mess with you. Do not play these games. Good luck.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know meagain. I have been with my AHsober for over 30 years. He left and just wants to have a relationship about our 3 sons and nothing else. It doesn't work for me. I don't want to use our boys as a connection. Maybe that is how he stays connected to you - your sons and negativity. That the "ism" I guess. Have you read the Getting Them Sober books? They explain alot. One thing they say is that it is hard to lose an alcoholic.

In support,
Nancy

mac57 · Veteran Member

Follow your own heart. See everyone in your family for the souls that they are, underneath the turmoil and the disease. Allow them the freedom of their own choices, but if their choices conflict with your peace of mind; bless them on their own journey, and leave them to take it without you. You have a life, you have a journey too, and you are important enough to honor your own path toward peace and happiness.

My suggestion is: let him go, with love. Send him your best wishes in your heart, in the quietness of your sweet contemplations. In your heart, prayerfully ask for the best outcome for all involved, and release yourself from the anguish.
but that's just me!
mac

-- Edited by mac57 at 21:42, 2008-05-11

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is the way I see it: If you think it will do your heart and mind good to tell him what you think, do it. Sometimes letting our angry feelings out to the person responsible for them can be cathartic. Yours is a personal decision, and what AlAnon thinks about it should not be your determiner. A pre-determined set of rules are usually faulty.

Now about telling your sons of their father's affairs. Please do not do that. They are adults, and so probably already know a lot more then you think. Don't involve them. No good could ever come of doing that.

Take care of yourself,

Diva

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha megain!!

I am not alone. I took the opportunity to say somethings negative about my
relationship with my ex-addict wife to my daughter-in-law who is having a
troubled relationship with her and my son also. I did it the wrong way and
for the wrong reasons...all pre-program stuff; old resentments, care taking
and enabling another persons negative feelings and self centeredness.

I know the process on how to make it right and have started doing that now.

Relapsed into it soooo easily I thought a veil had dropped over my spirit
while I wasn't looking. Don't need to do that for lots of right reasons.

Thanks for your share....Will be working the forgiveness alternative for a
while.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F at 01:59, 2008-05-12

omajoy · Senior Member

Divorced for 27 years and STILL in contention!!! That just blows my mind because it is exactly what I am encountering with my son and EXDIL and they have been divorced only TWO years!!! I won't live that long, but if I thought I had to be in the midst of this sort of family chaos for that much longer....I can't bear the thought!!

The advice to take the high road, find your own path in life, and leave your adults sons out of the mix sounds about right to me. Although, Diva is right.....you are the only person who counts. Your decisions are yours and yours along. I just know that when I allow myself to try and mind someone else's business (and I did just that this past week) I get myself into the old patterns and misery.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Looking at your motives is always useful in this sort of thing - what would you want to be accomplished by telling him off? What would most likely *really* happen? Is there a way for you to get the same emotional release without the danger of uninteneded consequences? Are your motives in line with you becoming the person you really want to be?

If you answer this type of question honestly to yourself, you will probably have a much better idea of what is best to do.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

If you feel you must say something to not feel like the doormat, maybe you could call just to say you have respected him and his children by not belittling him and telling them of his affairs and you expect the same courtesy and respect from him.

It's not blackmailing, it's not accusing...it's just the facts. I wouldn't get in to a confrontation, just be direct. Then leave it alone.

-- Edited by Christy at 00:23, 2008-05-13

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

As long as I fought with the A he had a lot of power over me. I've left him the A I was with for 7 years. At one time it really hurt me that he bad mouthed me to everyone. Eventually I stopped trying to control it. He was not going to have control over me.

If your children are adults now you can no longer control what they are subjected to. However if you are able to model to them detachment they just might want to get into that too.

I spent a lot of years trying to "control" the A, I got nowhere. Then I came to al anon and became willing to work the steps. I only became willing because the pain and chaos I was in was totally unbearable. Then I began to see some relief.

Maresie.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs lady,

Alanon teaches us that the A has a disease.All the negative stuff is a result of that.

To yell at a disease is fruitless. The disease loves it when it can bring another person down to it's level.The disease uses it against us,we give it ammuntion.

To get out pain, a good way is to write a letter to him.Let it all out.Then put the letter away,keep it and wait and see if you feel better.

I have done this for years,helps a lot.

We can only be what others try to make us,if we "allow" it.

When we respond in a negative way, it does not make us less of a doormat.It just makes us feel the evil worse.

When we choose to not respond at all,take our own inventory,work on us, that is when we begin to heal.

Like, Ha Ha I am a moral, calm, reasonable person.I take care of me and my boys. The AH does not enter into the equasion at all.
I choose not to allow the disease to cause any pain to me at all.

His disease is his, when we respond in a negative way,we are joining the "fun" the disease loves to cause.

It is ok to not respond, that bugs them more believe me.Bad behavior hates to be ignored,when we respond,we give it the negative reinforcement it wants.

We enable the disease when we give it any energy.It is not our business at all.

If I had kids my choice would be to stay out of it. Simply know,"I know me,I like me.The boys know what kind of person I am."

No one has to justify or explain away bs told about them. Simply can say, huh, oh really?Well I really choose not to hear about it.This is called a boundary.

A person only causes problems for another if the other allows it.

In most situations,we can choose to turn around and walk away.Nothing they say matters,as it is just a sick brain talking.Not your loved one.

I hope this helped you.I do relate but in a different way.

glad you are here.Meetings,literature, chat room here and pm."We are listening."

Love,debilyn

Getting Them Sober, volume one
courage to change.
One day at a time.
12 steps and 12traditions aww

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.