The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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...when it comes to moving on in the steps, I realise that there is alot of stuff that I have now dealt with and brought to the fore in my inventory, however I have come across a bit of a stumbling block when it comes to putting Step 5 into practice with one or two people.
If I cannot put things right with the person that I have wronged, or if it would injure them further if I were to approach them after so long, how do I deal with it so that I can move on?
I have admitted it to myself and another person and to God, I just have not been able, or felt it would hurt them more for me to bring this subject up at this stage in their life.
It seems to me that I am not quite tying of the loose ends here, however maybe that is not the best way to approach this step...?
I would so appreciate your feed back on how you have coped with this situation, if it is relevant to your own experiences, and would love to know what made you decide not to persue the reconciliation with the person you harmed. I am not sure I am approaching my decision in the best way possible. Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Do you have "How Al-Anon Works" and "Paths to Recovery"?
My sponsor still has me on step one for right now, and all I can think of is to refer to the books. I've heard many things that "making amends" doesn't always have to mean actually going up to the person and apologizing.
I'm sure the Big Book of AA might have some good suggestions in it, too.
Correct me if I am wrong, Suzannah, but you are on step 5 or 6? The step about making amends is #9. Perhaps you are just a bit premature. Do you have the book Al-Anons 12 Steps & 12 Traditions? I have not worked Step 9 myself yet either, but I think Aloha has a point that amends does not always mean a direct apology. I think sometimes it is as much how I determine to live my life in the future, forgiving myself, but never forgeting how others can be hurt by me not working my program.
Another way to look at it is how would you make an amends to someone who has passed on. You may again determine to be loving and not hurtful in the future, so as not to cause that kind of harm again if possible.
Those are my thoughts anyway. Hope they help.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Step 5 -Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I am not sure if I am misinterpreting your question. Step 5 asks that we admit the nature of our wrongs to another human being, as well as ourself and God, but not the persons we had harmed yet.
For me, I shared my 4th step inventory with a fellow alanoner who was very caring and non-judgemental but it wasn't the step where we made amends to another. That comes later and takes many, many forms.
Step 5 was, for me, the most difficult step -- trusting another human being with the exact nature of my wrongs <yikes> but it was so worthwhile when I finished sharing. "We are only as sick as our secrets" and it felt freeing and scary when I shared.
I hope this helps, love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I think no one says you have to do it all yesterday. I 've read in some al anon books that one way to make an amends is to change your attitude towards that person. Guilt was one of the things that kept me with the A I know. I felt tremendously guiltly for my outbursts. Now I see them as totally understandable given the way he lived. I did not know how to train myself then, now I do.
There are lots of books on how to work the steps, none of them say you have to do it all this minute. I can certainly empathise with being in considerable pain and wanting to push through everything At the same time there is a process invovled. I know for me its been suprizing how for example with old relationships (and I mean old ones years ago) that over time I was "allowed" an opportunity to make amends to certain people. Sometimes it was quite indirect, and sometimes it was direct. Willingness is everything for me but I sometimes confuse willingness with haste and deep deep deep pain and fear.
