The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still struggling with MD! I am not very happy this time of year anymore! I have two mothers to celebrate with and not myself. I have never had children and regret it very much. I have wanted children but know that I shouldn't. It is a very tough decision I had to make, too. I will make it through, I know but somehow I feel that there will be no one to really say I was here and that my life meant something or that I will carry on a legacy in my own child. Maybe to everyone else I am just sitting on the pity pot. I need someone to say something to me that might make me feel better--not that there are other women in my position that have gone through what I have because frankly there are many of people "like" me who have gone ahead and had children. For one, my mom had me! I wouldn't be here if she didn't struggle with her disease so I could come into this world. Somehow I know that I am here for a reason but why? God only knows and I mean that! Oh well... I am still kicking! Just me Kathleen
Some of the happiest women I know are mothers.....some of the saddest women I know are mothers. You have a legacy and a purpose here on Earth whether you choose motherhood or whether you do not. Many women are mothers who did not intend to be. Many women are mothers who didn't think about it...it just happened. Many women are mothers who had to work very very hard to become one. Many women are mothers who did not do it biologically. Essentially, motherhood comes in many ways and forms.
I am a mother. Today I am one of those in the "saddest" category. Today my son, my only child, is at odds with me. He often is. His disease speaks volumes when he is active. I am also a grandmother. My son's disease had caused me grief in that role as well.
Being a mother isn't all it is touted to be. The media, at this time of year, blows that whole thing out of proportion....glorifies motherhood. But if you ask me, and this will sound like heresy to many, being a mother opens you up for total and true heartache. Only when my son was age birth to about eight years did he bring me joy and pride. When he hit puberty and teen years, it was not so joyful. His adult years have been fraught with pain and suffering for me. Mothers are often women who love too much.
I have had at least two close friends in life who were not mothers, but they were fabulous and loyal friends to me and others. They never lamented not having children to me. And really I envied their freedom, their joy in active lives minus the problems having children brings.
With all that being said, it may not bring you the comfort you seek. But today, Mother's Day 2008, the only good thing I can think of is that by 6 PM tomorrow, the "holiday" (created by a loyal daughter but ruined by commerce) will be over and done. Amen.
I am sorry Mother's Day is difficult for you. I do not know how you feel today, but I do know the yearning feeling of wanting a child that only a woman knows.
Now in reference to your request to make you feel better.... Omajoy shared a lot of wisdom.
I have three children, and if you had spent time at my house yesterday (or sadly any day in the past couple of years) you would most likely run home rejoicing your life is as serene as it is. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but it is tough much of the time. Infants, babies, toddlers are are the easy years, and that time doesn't last very long.
When I had kids, it was with a promise and a plan with a husband that we would do it together. Of course it didn't turn out that way. Though we had a few good years, for the most part, I ended up in the trenches parenting while my AH was the provider and dropped in to be the hero, free to blame me for all that did not go well. Of course, I was so deep in denial that I had no idea it was happening, and just recently have been able to see it for what it was/is.
The world is a scary place, and as parents we have an incredible responsibility and burden to prepare, protect and teach our children to navigate through it and become kind, responsible, loving, productive adults, all while praying they still love and respect us in the end. I have been humbled in so many ways these past couple of years, and I acknowlwedge there is no guarantee, but I must wake up each day to do my best and continually work on improvement and correcting what is not working (which is a lot!). To be totally honest, I don't feel like a very good mom most of the time.
Yes, Kathleen, you are here for a reason, that I am sure. Like a lot of us, you probably just haven't found your nitch yet. Perhaps you could use your love for kids in a manner that would benefit yourself and others. There are so many children and programs in need out there who would absolutely embrace someone like yourself - tutoring/mentoring in schools, holding babies in hospitals, community programs... just a thought.
I hope you can enjoy this day celebrating with your moms. As Omajoy said, it will be over tonight. Amen.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think all of us as women share a role in this world as the nurturers and protectors - whether we have our own children or not. Certainly someone with a maternal instinct that you're describing has so much to offer this world. And there are children that need a voice - who don't have one. Why not look into child advocacy? The court system is full of foster children who need advocates in court. There are many other ways to make a meaningful impact in the life of a child. Your legacy doesn't simply live on because you give birth. Your legacy lives on through the life you lead. The lives you touch.
I'm sorry Mother's Day is so hard for you. It's a day on the calendar. Nothing more. And like Christmas and birthdays (other big overblown days), it will come and it will be over and we can get back to our regular lives.
