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This is my weekend with the kids, but my AH asked if he could have the kids tonight so he could take them to his mom's house and cook her dinner for Mother's Day. No problem for me. Now I get to go to al-anon!
Anyhow, I texted him a quick message this evening because I wanted the kids ready so he wouldn't hang around. I said, "what time are you picking up the kids". Umm, thought it would be obvious who it was from. This is the response I got, "Soon! Gonna call in a few. XO you look deliciously hot tonite. Wish I cud go wit u! Xxxxxxxooooo!!!! Note: Just in case any of you are new and haven't followed my story, that was not meant for me!
Oops! So, I didn't have time to get any witty responses here, but I considered things like, "yeah, hot cause she's flaming from disease" and "bringing the kids along might make it awkward" , but instead I called my sister, then said a little prayer and responded with, "I assume you meant to send this to your girlfriend. Would you like me to forward it to her?" Yep, still too much of a newbie to not sneak in sarcasm.
Then ,when he came and got the kids, I was out front. I was holding my little one and he was approaching. Do you know the thought of just belting him crossed my mind? But, being the codependent I am, I wouldn't want the neighbors to see, and I would never do such a thing with my kids around anyway. Just a fantasy. So, I started going in the house and then turned around and nicely said to him, "the kids can stay here tonight if you want". He looked totally baffled, so I repeated myself. Then he said ,"You don't think they'd like to see thier grandmother?" to which I responded, sincerely and straight-faced, "Well, if there is somewhere else you'd rather go..." Suddenly he got it and then looked down and mumbled, "no, that's not..." and I walked away.
As we got the kids ready, I did not avoid him and acted happy. He was embarrassed. He absolutley hates it if I make any comment (or "jab" as he calls it) about his adulterous situation. I say that because when we were in our marriage class he brought up how upsetting it was to him when I would make comments . As long as it is all secret and no one talks about it, it is okay ya know? And, as wierd as this sounds, sometimes I think that he really wants my approval.
So, I will go to al-anon and when I get there or get home, I probably will cry. I just need to pray that my AH's g/f's mom isn't there. Maybe I will go early and go to the bookstore that is close by and get a coffee and look at books and get something for my mom for Mother's Day.
Instead of thinking of this event as one more stab into my heart, I am trying to think of it as one more message from God saying "Just let go! He's sick. He isn't for you". It's as if one more tie that has been severed. I just wish I had more of an understanding of my feelings and emotions to know if I really am okay and starting to accept, or just bottling it up and faking I'm okay because that is the way it should be.
Thanks, friends, for being here.
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 22:27, 2008-05-09
-- Edited by Loupiness at 22:27, 2008-05-09
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Maybe it's bravado or false bravado. A good cry would mean that the real thing that's going on is hurt...heart pain and that's normal and natural. You're okay and you're still thinking about his evening and happiness while you're hurting. Might want to change that one. It doesn't sound or look good on you and it doesn't sound honest. I don't think he thought, "She's a good little trooper in spite of all I'm putting her thru." Honesty is best and sometimes honesty is a calm silence. Anyhow have a great meeting and keep coming home Maybe a "meeting after the meeting would be good!!" They were great for me when I was a newbie!! Hope it happens.
It does hurt when grieving our dreams that have also been busted. But everytime I read your posts, it is amazing how you put the program to work. You state the pain, you find the gratitude and keep on going with good ideas to give yourself some TLC. You called your sis right away, you walk away & so many things you do for yourself that are healthy and progress. You inspire me and it is awesome how far you have come. You also write well so I can see & feel what is going on for you..... perhaps you write better than you give yourself credit, for yourself and in support of others. I am so proud of you and the path you are on to better times. Hang in there and be proud of yourself too.
hugs & blessings, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You don't sound to me like you are faking it. You sound like you are in pain and dealing with it. You know a person can only handle so much pain at a time, so sometimes our mind just lets it out in doses we can handle. I think it works ok as long as we let out more than we are stuffing over the long haul. Right now you just have a lot to deal with at once.
Acceptance is a process. For me it seldom comes all at once. And every change no matter how small seems to throw my acceptance for a loop that I have to adjust for. I think that's just how it works.
Hope I'm making some kind of sense.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
If that had been me, I wouldn't have been so calm. You're doing well. The hurt is natural. Even though we don't want to be in a relationship anymore, grieving for it is okay. It's part of the healing process. Don't squash those feelings. Allow them to be there, deal with them and move on. If you cry, so be it. It's cathartic. Enjoy your meeting. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Mother's Day (early).
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((Lou))))) I suspect that text message would have bugged even the "healthiest" of us here. (Of which, admittedly, I am NOT!) Sometimes just when I think I've been hurt in every imaginable place, my A will find a new place and go there. They just have a knack, don't they? I think you handled the situation beautifully. Like you, I wish I could clear myself of a situation without using the little touch of sarcasm.......but it sure feels good sometimes. And, come on, he had that one coming. Certainly he knew that. I like how you are concious of everything you are doing - and you are striving for the best path. Progress...not perfection. You are clearly working at it. Way to go.
Gosh, how do you do it? I would have replied immediatly with "so, the divorce is off? I didn't know you still cared! FYI I look hot everyday."
Or "Ok, I'll forward this to my lawyer. Kiss your pension goodbye, cheater."
You are a beautiful woman. I mean your soul. That you haven't taken every chance he has put in your lap to crusify him is stunning. That is true class and character. You are a hero to me.
You didn't lose your temper, you didn't get righteously indignant, you didn't even get terribly sarcastic. Remember talking about secrets months ago? To me, what you've done here is announce calmly that you are no longer part of the secret-keeping game (lie).
On the one hand, I want to kick some sense in this dude so he'll see what a treasure he's tossing; and on the other, I'm glad he's burning his bridges, because you deserve so much more.
Crying is honoring your feelings, and stopping is putting the focus back on you. I think you're doing great.
This is how it happened for me too, there was no other woman well not specifically, but every time I'd get a bit of hope something would happen, he'd lose a job, go to jail, wreck a car, be with a girl, etc. until it got to the point that it's at now where I try to avoid speaking to him if at all possible. I think what you said about sevreing another tie that binds is very true, there are so many there and we take so much crap and then eventually we get to this turning point where we see the crap for what it is - crap. And then we get angry and the distance grows and grows.
As for the text I think I would have been looking extremely HOT when he showed up and then had some plans for myself after he left - more than a meeting... Sometimes it helps to get that reassurance that we are still desirable, especially when there's another woman involved. It's not you, it's him!
As for the reply I would have gone with (and I would have replied cuz I'm just that way...) it must be the herpes flaring up
I always felt like this around the A I was with. Anything I did which he was not 100% agreeable was deemed unacceptable. That included him spending time with his friends most of the time. Eventually I got to let go of it but it was hard going.
