The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been in touch after nearly three weeks. I tried to understand he was ill while still trying to protect me. I have not allowed him back and have only seen him twice. I am aware he is trying to start the cycle agian promises that will not be kept, apologies that make me feel sorry for him. I care for him and know its not personal but I am really aware I can not be stung anymore. He says he loves me will change carnt loose me bla bla When I am with him I love him so much I find myself wanting to believe him but I have learnt so much. I now have to do something different I do not want to be insane anymore. I know in my heart I have to tell him I carnt see him anymore and if he means what he says go and prove it. But then part of me thinks just talk to him on phone to keep contact. I love him so much want to support him detach with love and focus on me my wants needs changes I need to make. But sometimes my own insecurities get in the way
I left the A last April and talked to him, helped him, fed him, paid for him, took care of him throughout last summer. I finally stopped interacting with him last November. For some of us it takes a while. There is a back and forth with this. I kept posting and kept posting kept posting and that helped.
I also really looked long and hard at the life I had with him and what I had to lose. Most of what I had to lose (and I did lose a great deal financially and a home and things and a truck and more) was my fantasy he could someday be "there" for me. I kept posting about the fantasy and that putting it out there really helped me not to get caught up in it.
As Maresie said, talking it out here and getting it out in the open where you can really take a look at it helps. Are you getting to a face2face meeting? They really are a wonderful help. Do you have a sponsor?
You sound like you are doing the best for you. Remember it is progress not perfection and we are not here to judge, just share our ESH.
I made my AH leave 3 times and et him come back when I thought he was trying to get sober. I finally had to draw the line that said I will no longer live that way. We are now separated for an indefinate period. I told him it would be at least a year of real recovery. I do not trust him. He has 8 months now and I still do not fully trust him. I will let him move back eventually if things keep going well as they have been for these last 8 months, but I told him if he slips again and I have to make him leave it may be for the last time. I cvan't keep doing this over and over.
So that's my experience. Hang in there. The program works if you work it.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Tracy , Your post reminded me of the scorpion and the frog story. so I looked back 7 days ago, and read Norwood's story again. I had written a response, and noticed you had also, just under mine. You might want read your post again, because it is "Right - On". You state that you have set boundaries, will not have alcohol in your home, and intend to take care of yourself. I bet your HP would also have some good ideas on this for you. Rodney
My experience here.... phone conversations can make you crazy too. The manipulation, lies, guilt, denial, blame, excuses can all still occur, and being active in that interferes with healing and keeps the insanity alive and well.
My brother is one of the A's in my life. I have limited my contact with him since Dec. since, well, talking to him makes me nuts. I finally decided to call him a couple of times this past week. We never talked about aism and he didn't get into the negative garble as before, but he lives in a world of denial. I planned on just listening, but then found myself getting caught up, asking questions, for clarification, etc. He has these crazy life schemes about what he wants to do with his business life, all the while his wife and kids and getting more and more comfortable without him. I found myself wanted to ask him what was wrong with just a normal life, you know, get sober, get a 40 hr a wk job, focus on his family? but knew there would be nothing to gain but frustration for me. Instead, we ended the conversation politely. I was able to let it all go, because he is not the primary A in my life and I have bigger fish to fry right now, but my point is that even phone contact can take you places you don't want to go. Especially is true when talking about the one you are intimately engaged with.
Hang in there, Tracy. You are doing well. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Tracy, wow! I know and understand how you are feeling. My AH and I are currently seperated by a Protection Order and there are many times that all I want to do is call him and see how he is doing but the order keeps me from doing and I believe that is my HP at work. I don't know what he is doing or how he is doing. I have heard that he is not drinking, which is wonderful to hear, but I feel that he needs to get back into AA. That, however, would have to be his choice.I do find myself so sad and feeling lonely. I check in on here very often, just reading and posting. It feels good to read the items posted and know that I am not alone. That YES I am human and my love did not stop for him but I am using this time to strengthen myself for when we do have contact with one another. We have known each other since we were 14 years old and we are now 39. That is a lot of time to be connected and these couple of weeks with no contact feel like a month. I feel for you because I know it is a confusing place to be, trust, don't trust. I look to my HP to help get me through those times.
