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Well... I just joined this forum last week and got some really great advice and words of encouragement... I just need to vent...
Haven't had a chance yet to get to f2f meeting but found one close to home that also does an AA meeting, in case my A decides he wants to go... he just goes back and forth... i need help, no I don't, blah, blah, blah...
Tonight he pulled a great one... I'm having surgery in the morning, as in, less than twelve hours... and where is my A???? He's at the bar...
Logically, I understand the disease but it never ceases to amaze me how selfish they can be? how it never even enters their mind to think of someone else's feelings, even someone they love, someone they have supposedly committed their lives to...
I am so hurt right now, so angry, I can barely see straight to type this...
I'M HAVING SURGERY IN THE MORNING AND HE'S AT THE BAR!!!!!!! This is like a new low for him... Forget the fact that he can't be there for the surgery due to work, forget that it's only out-patient surgery to remove my gallbladder, forget the fact that we went down this road sort of when we first got married and I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through treatment...
He was there for me then, always putting me first, never pulled this crap while I was going through treatment... BUT HE KNOWS HOW SCARY MEDICAL STUFF IS FOR ME SINCE THEN... HE KNOWS THAT I GET A LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY DOCTORS AND HOSPITALS .... HE KNOWS!!! WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS ALL WEEK, HOW SCARED I AM....
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just try to remember you are not alone. A's are gonna do what A's are gonna do. We can't control them. Try to remember that Aism is a progressive disease. That's why he was able to be there for you in the past, but can't be here for you now.
I know exactly the pain and outrage that you feel. I remember just wanting someone to take care of me for a little bit every once in a while and he just couldn't be there for me no matter how important it was. Just know that you are not alone. There are lots of good people here who know how you feel, who have been there.
Have you called the contact number for the meeting you are planning to attend. I'm sure you could find someone local to talk to. Maybe even someone to come check on you at the hospital.
And keep coming back here. Vent and share your feelings and experience. I have gotten an enormous amount of growth from this board.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am reminded again of the analogy of going to the hardware store to pick up bread. We all know there's no bread sold at the hardware store, yet we go anyway and then proceed to get upset with the store for not having the bread.
But it sure hits hard when we realize our A's are pretty incapable of providing emotional support for some pretty heavy things.
My A can't handle it if I'm having a bad day. I learned that one time a long time ago. MY AH always comes home from work and complains and complains and complains about this that and the other thing. I just about NEVER complain about my work to him (I'm actually fortunate to have a job that really doesn't give me much to complain about, really). There was one day, though, where I had a really ROUGH, stressful day dealing with major software issues that completely held up my entire workflow and put me way behind... so I went to vent to my AH about it.
What does he do? He tells me to "stop whining! I don't want to hear it!"
I was just floored. When hecomplains about his job, he's just "venting". When I complain about my job, I'm being "whiny".
I even asked him flat out "So I'm not ever allowed to complain about my job to you?" his answer "Nope. I don't want to hear it." and then I remind him of all the complaining he does on a daily basis, and he had the nerve to tell me there was nothing wrong with HIM doing it!
Yeah... "cunning, baffling and powerful" that disease.
I think a LOT of A's just can't handle situations where they may actually find themselves starting to be sympathetic of another person. It brings forth scary "feelings" of inadequacy in them. Remember - they are Masters of their Universe, and anything that possibly shows them they're not prefect makes them uncomfortable, so they dive for the bottle to get some courage, and then the disease takes over from there and then they're just GONE. No one's home anymore.
Sweetie, there ARE people out there who can be your bread store, though - and that's trusted family and friends, and Al-Anon members, too. I'm always so grateful when I go to an Al-Anon meeting, and I'm always greeted with big smiles and hugs... these people are actually HAPPY to see me! And I'm equally happy to see them!
If I lived where you live, I would go to make sure you're okay.
Do you have family and friends who would go with you? Lean on THEM for support, because I'm sure some of them are very, very willing to give it. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you, too, and I'll be praying to my HP for your swift recovery.
I am so sorry, I am so sorry, Your higher power is beside you, those of us here are thinking of you. I wish I had better words. I know how it feels to be let down by someone you love because of alchohol! Most of us here do but it makes it no less awful for you! I am crying for all of us as I type this. I wish I had better words to say. Please let us know how your surgery goes and how you are feeling!
Amybear, I am thinking of you this morning, and hoping your surgery went well.
Yep; just when you think they have hit the absolute bottom of the barrel, turns out they can go a little lower. It's the nature of the beast of alcoholism.
Come any time and vent. We are all good listeners.
With caring,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I hope the surgery goes well for you. I pray that you reach some sort of serenity and acceptance to help you carry on with what you need to do for you without feeling compulsed to focus on the alcoholic. That will make the whole thing hurt more, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I so don't want to think that you go thru this alone and that you have another supportive person with you. We all need that but just in case that doesn't happen...we're all with you. (((((hugs)))))
I'm very new at this, this is my 1st reply, but i do know what you are feeling my husband got drunk right before we got married, with all the groomsmen. i was the bride to be up stairs getting all pretty and he was getting loaded. I didn't know till after the wedding. I also know he had been there for me threw think and thin, but lately it's not me nor the kids it's him and his beer. . I do
feel for you, and your are not alone. I hope your surgry went well. I to had my gallbladder out 2 years ago. best wishes cindy
that's rough going. The A who I was with made a habit out of not being reciprocal in much of anything. I think I felt the medical stuff the most because like you I had a lot of fear around being taken care of. The A let me down so many times when I was ill I lost count of them. He'd be rude, dismissive, minimize, ignore me. I was absolutely devastated. Now I think I never saw "him" because clearly to have expectations of someone so ill was a set up. I set myself up time and time again to feel victimized. Then I felt self righteous and a whole long spiral went on from there.
Well... the surgery went just fine... I had my plan B in place the moment the surgery was scheduled... I arranged to have my mother take me and get me home... then she and my sister stuck around for most of the night as I came off the anestysia(?)....
He came home early from work the night of the surgery... I mean, like really early... said he felt guilty for not being there for me the night before... I was just glad that my Plan B had been in place from the get-go...
Still, it hurt that he chose to make himself emotionally unavailable to me the night before the surgery.... when I needed him, when I was scared...
When he did finally come home that night, we got into it a bit... part of that was me being nervous about the surgery and upset at his inability to be sensitive to my needs... I needed to release that emotion and I guess I figured he deserved it... I felt better getting it off my chest.... those sorts of emotions shouldn't stay locked up inside...
Recovering quite well... feel like I've been kicked in the gut - physically and emotionally... the physical should go away in no time... the emotional??? that feels better today after reading so many warm wishes... Thank you to all who responded...
Aloha... I know EXACTLY what you mean about work venting... my A always comes home with gripes about work, then devalues my gripes about work with a comparison that my job isn't as tough as his, or whatever the line of the day is... I've learned just to say, "that's too bad honey, I hope tomorrow is better for you" and move on to the next topic... When he keeps it up, my new hobby is to pick up a Sudoku book and start working a puzzle... half the time he doesn't even realise that I'm not really listening... I think he just needs to verbalize it, just to hear it out loud... I guess he figures his pity party isn't much of a party if he's the only one there and even if my attendance is uninvolved, at least he feels like someone came along to the party....
It almost feels hypocritical to be that way towards him.... Being unavailable emotionally when he gripes about work... how is that different from him being unavailable to me during my time of need??? Right now it works for me so I keep on keeping on...
Best wishes to all... and thanks again for the prayers and support... I truly felt like I wasn't alone after posting that night... I knew there were people out there who had gone through the same thing.... and I felt like you were all there with me...
