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I really dislike it when I have nightmares... you know how they can come across so "real" to you while you're sleeping, that even after waking, you sometimes wonder... "did that really happen?"
I had a wonderful meditation session last night again, and went to bed feeling pretty good, but I did drop into a little despair for a bit before dropping off to sleep. You know... that whole thing of running off to the past to replay what had happened with my AH at the beginning of the year.
In any case, I had these dreams that he was cheating on me and I kept catching him in lies and more lies, and finally I got to a point in my dream where I just told myself "I've had enough. I want a divorce."
When I woke up this morning, I was just incredibly sad and depressed... from DREAMS.
And it's been lingering with me this morning. I'm trying to tell myself "they were just dreams, you have a choice to be happy today, so make that choice and move on."
So, gradually I'm feeling better as time move on. I guess I need to spend some time reflecting with my HP on why some dreams just impact me so hard... what am I to do with the feelings I have afterwards? Is it just more stuff for me to work through... stuff that I haven't come to terms with yet and forgiven?
I know the cheating thing is a big boundary thing for me... and I've been telling myself if that ever happens again... and it just might since AH isn't taking recovery too seriously (he only keeps pretty loose appointments with his counselor)... that I won't put myself through the pain again. I need to take it as a sign that I just need to move on or something. It just makes me incredibly sad.
I had dreams like this a few weeks ago...things had been looking up for me and AH...he had finally gotten a job and was at least saying he was committed to not drinking. Unfortunately, my bad dreams came true a few days later when I found hidden liquor and learned that he was drinking again, and then he promptly got fired from his new job for being drunk on the job. Not to say your bad dreams will come true also!! I thought maybe I was dreaming like that because I was still trying to resolve my feelings from what had happened before. Sometimes after I get back from a vacation or something I dream about it weeks later...like maybe my mind is just trying to make sense of and remember the whole thing? I don't know if that is really what was happening...I know I had intense fear that the horrible experiences would just repeat themselves (which they ultimately did). Anyways, this probably isn't very encouraging to you!
I can so relate! I have suffered from nightmares ( and night terrors) since I was a child. I, too, this am woke up "hungover" from a vivid nightmare--a friend was telling me all kinds of awful things about my AH using and I threw a plate across the table at her. It was a horrible , horrible dream. Ahhh!
Well, we can't control our nighttime thoughts, can we? Although I have experimented with lucid dreaming with some success.
I have nightmares sometimes and must say its pretty hard to ground myself afterwards. I dont think I expect to be happy all the time. I have had too difficult a life to expect that but I do expect to be able to manage which certainly wasn't something I could do when I first got here.
We all have dreams/nightmares, some we remember some we don't. It is our body's way of dealing with all the stimuli that we gather in our waking hours. Our subconscious then processes the stuff that we have pushed there.
There are five stages of sleep that we all go through:
1 Awake, but slowing down, decreasing muscle tension - depth of sleep is borderline wakefulness.
2 Eyes roll slowly, body movements slowed - light sleep, easily awakened, may deny being asleep if awakened - drifting thoughts and floating sensation.
3 Eyes quiet. Few body movements. Snoring is common - light moderate sleep, relatively easy to awaken. Eyes will not see if open. Some thought fragments, memory process diminished, may describe vague dream if awakened.
4 Occasional movement, eyes quiet. Deep sleep, very difficult to awaken. Virtually oblivious, very poor recall of thoughts if awoken.
5 (REM) sleep - large muscles paralysed. Fingers, toes, facial muscles twitch. 80% dreaming done in this sleep. Good vivid dream recall, especially later in the evening.
So you see, each of us will go through these stages, and it depends on the depth of our sleep whether we will remember our dreams/nightmares, but they are essential to help us cope with all that we deal with during our waking hours. If we awaken at stage 2, that is when we are most likely to say we have NOT slept AT ALL during the night.
Try not to take caffeine in the form of tea, coffee, chocolate and so on within 6 hours before going to bed. It is known that smoking before bed also affects sleep - stop several hours before going to bed. Go to bed when you are sleepy and you will find it easier to get to sleep. And do not eat chocolate and lots of sugar just before bedtime, have a milky drink and/or a carbohydrate snack if you need to snack before bedtime. Music will relax you, as long as it is quiet and not LOUD music.
Hope you have some better nights sleep and less nightmares. Lots of love from me too. Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
That nightmare certainly fits your story alright. It is about your fears and concerns and your values as you have stated them here in the group. I am/was a nightmare sufferer all my life...nightmares are for fearful people and it's about the subconscious rearranging our fears in ways that represent what I am fearful about. What important for me today is that I don't fear nightmares anymore. I have learned how to interpret mine and others and have used the interpretation to change myself and therefore less to no more nightmares!! People and things in my nightmares mean certain things...they are metaphorical and nothing to fear. One of the things that was important to me was the amount of power I gave to what I feared so that those fears became so impressed in my subconscious and would not leave. When the fear went away...the nightmares went with them. What ever happens; happens. I cannot make them really happen when they are not or in the future unless I convince my psyche that it's all true.
