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my 4th child has hit puberty and like the rest, depression has hit him hard this week. I have a dr. appt this afternoon for him and piles of makeup homework. 6th grade and he has a 12 page power point due Friday, good grief!
here we go again.......I am so tired of this but it seems to be in the cards for us. I may be prone to depression and living with an AH just took me over the edge so that I've had plenty of therapy and on rx drugs too. I guess there is the genetic link to this and perhaps my AH and his family of origin just treat their mental health issues with alcohol so my kids have a double dose of mental health genetics. But I just hate, hate, hate to see my kids suffer with mental health issues. Therapy made me aware of my own issues but never addressed any of it related to alcoholism - me as a grandchild ALCOA and with AH 25+ years. I am hoping to pass on what I learn in Al Anon to my kids and plan to get my 2 teens to alateen this summer.
I sometimes wonder if all these rx drugs are really that great and if they would have been needed if I or any of us had had more al anon knowledge years and years ago - so much denial on my part. My kids go down the path of not feeling they are good at anything, quit rather than not be perfect and all these other ways of thinking that are just not healthy. They are all good and kind kids who choose to beat themselves up mentally rather than become addicts (so far) or angry/defiant. MY AH was raised on high expectations with little praise so he has passed that on to me and the kids. He's a work aholic also and I led the gang to attempt to meet his expectations. Ridiculous and impossible goals that made us all crazy. It makes me so sad and I'm ashamed of the role model I have been for them....... I am trying to change & get healthier as fast as I can but it takes time. Somedays I feel like I don't have enough time, like today as my youngest has been suffering for this past week. So sad......
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
The past is just that, the past and we can choose how much power to give it over our present. That's a choice. It wouldn't be good to ignore the facts but the what if's are useless. I wish they weren't but they are. You are doing what you can today and that is awsome! You see an issue with your child and you are doing the next right thing!! You know, you could choose to ignore it all. Don't beat yourself up for the past. Just keep doing the best you can today. If you or your parents had this program, there's no telling what your life would have been like. As we all know, having this program is no guarentee of a charmed life.
You are doing a great job ddub, you really are. I know I am super sensitive to my children's "moods" as they have mental illness on their bio-father's side and have seen it all their lives on both sides. It is scarey, but it is not a death sentence. I was adopted so, I have no clue as to my health history mental or physical. I choose to see that as a blessing. I can treat myself as a individual and have no worries. I do the same with the kids. Yes, they are high risk but who's to say that my birth mother wasn't a psycopath alcoholic? I'm not. So, just because this stuff runs in families means not a whole lot to me. I keep an eye on them because I know, but that's about it. I don't feel guilty or sad. It is what it is.
You are right - it could be asthma, diabetes or what ever we need to handle. blaming the ah, blaming myself doesn't help. It's amazing how it is such an automatice behavior to react this way because we have before and it was what was expected before. this is hard but I will get this, thanks again - it is what it is!! - pity and victim thinking be gone.
ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 13:05, 2008-05-08
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Alcohol and food were definitely the lubricant in my family or origin. I no longer look on recovery as something that is in stages but probably a life long task. I recovered, I work on it daily I do the best I can. That's enough, is there a comparison chart I dunno maybe. I don't take medication but I certainly could have, maybe need to or have it as an option? I go to therapy intermittently, its useful, is there a time when I have enough, maybe, maybe not. I may always be in therapy suddenly it no longer seems a thing I label myself with.
Al anon is very very useful for me at the moment, ACA was once very useful for me. They are all useful and contribute to a life I never thought I could have.
I don't have children myself but I know that I can sense your children are certainly in a much much much better than you were isn't that an incredible gift? I used to feel tremendously guilty that my younger sisters children were subjected to her alcoholism and felt over responsible for them. The fact is even they are in a much much much much better place than either my sister or I were with or without my input and craving to do something "heroic" for them. For some people the gift of not having to deal with denial is huge in itself. I've spent my whole life trying to "fix it" for others and I don't know that I have much perspective on it. I expect tremendous things from myself and almost nothing from anyone else but secretly I would like them to at least acknowledge that I even exist. Whatever you do for your children, and I am sure you do an enormous amount, its more, much much much more than was ever given to you as a child.
Where I live they have a puberty ceremony for boys and girls. We did something all three sons. I think it helped to celebrate their manhood and hear words of wisdom from their elders. On the other hand for me as a woman there was dread of becoming a woman. This is not minimize depression and the need for drugs etc.
