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I hope all mothers among you will have a wonderful day Sunday. I have dreaded Mother's Day Sunday for weeks....just as I dread almost all holidays for the past couple of years. When your family falls apart, any holiday is fraught with sadness and I just want them OVER!!! I helped the grandbaby make a picture card for his Mama yesterday afternoon during his visitation with us; his Daddy helped him, too, and we explained that Sunday is a special day to be nice and especially give lots of hugs and kisses to Mama. (WE TRY, see!) We did a gift bag....an innocent little gift...Daddy signed the innocent and generalized card from him and his son, just saying THanks and have a nice day. (Last time he tried giving her a little gift on Valentines' Day she threw it at him and said "inappropriate for us to exhange gifts"....is that true, all you EX's out there. Is it inappropriate for a Dad to help his child give Mama a gift?) When I dropped child at home last night, had to leave him at the driveway...not able to enter the house when new boyfriend is there. Yet she told me to bring him home, knowing I would see his car. That is punishment to me and that seems to be what she wants...let's make the old bag (that would be me) suffer a little more today...she hasn't had enough yet. Whatever happened to courtesy and respect even in broken families? How about this: SHE should come pick him up and keep me out of the driveway. If I suggest this to her, some new and weird punishment will erupt as it always does. Anyway, the whole idea of Mother's Day just makes me totally sick. I want to pack my car and leave town.
With husband sick and impossible to live with these days, my whole life is making me sicker. But I am trying. I try try try to detach, take care of me, stay out of other's affairs, stay healthy. Obviously this morning I am failing big time. But I must get my act together. Spouse must be driven to doctor's appointment; he takes pain meds now and I cannot allow him to drive.
I know with certainty that some of you are also dreading Mother's Day. The media hype sets our expectations over a lifetime of being recognized as MOTHER OF THE YEAR or something. My mom died two months ago; for the first time I will not be able to talk to her, send a card or a gift. I am sad. I guess this, too, shall pass. I can only hope that I can go to sleep Friday and wake up on Monday morning with this awful day over and done with for another year. Since that won't happen I have to just hunker down and allow the raw pain of having no family gnaw me to pieces.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Some people are just mean and that's a sad way to live their life. My Mom has been gone 25 years now. What gets me through those days is to celebrate her and remember our times together. It can be bittersweet. I always tell people when they say how sad it was that I lost her at the tender age of 19 is this: "Don't be sad that I 19 years with her, I could have had 2." I still talk to my Mom and Dad. They may not be physically here, but they are in my heart and always with me. When I was 19 and missing her I took a journal and wrote letters to her. It was my way of grieving and getting it out. It helped so much. Years later I look back at the journal and see how far I've come. Perhaps you might want to do this. Just a thought. Hold tight to that grandbaby of yours and realize Great Grandma is looking down with pride and joy. Look into those eyes and see your Mom. She's right there looking back at you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I do hope you can find a little time for yourself this Sunday. We don't have to be with our children or grandchildren on that day. It is "Mother's Day" and you are a mother. I wish I lived near you as we would go out and have a fun day together and leave all our worries behind if only for that day.
This is my 2nd Mother's Day without my mother who by the way was my best friend, my partner in crime, my casino partner....my confidant.....I stopped by the store last night on my way home from work to pick up a card for my sister....it took some effort to go to the card asisle....I took a deep breath, said a small prayer (that I could hold it together in public) and found the perfect card, VERY QUICKLY, for my sister. I miss her terrible. I sit in my chair and watch the birds come to my yard and drink from Mom's birdbath.....how she loved to watch HER birds....I watch the squirels and think of her, I watch my grandbabies and think how much she loved her family. Never did she act as a victim. She was strong and proud. She was 4'10" (and 1/2 she would say) but she stood 7 feet tall. I spent the last month of her life with her at her home. Everyday preparing her food, bathing her, talking, holding her hand, letting her stroke my hair like she did when I was a little girl. I found out a lot about her life, some very sad things......she was stronger and braver more than I ever imagined her to be. She could have easily took a different road in her life. I look all the time for lessons mom was teaching me. When things were tough with my A and I kicked him out, I called her when he wanted to come home...she said "what do YOU want to do....only you can decide....you tell him HOW YOU FEEL....and listen to your heart" simple words that I use over and over again.l Know that you are not alone in missing your mom...know that there are a lot of us out here....Listen to your heart......remember we can only change us...your grandbaby's mom has her own issues going on...try not to take it pesonally which is so hard for me, my oldest's son's girlfriend has her own stuff going on...I have to look the other way most of the time but I embrace every second I can get with my grandsons..... Be gentle with yourself.... Hugs Mare
i dont' know that I can expect "respect" from people who are terribly ill and dyfunctional. I set myself up when I yearn for things that are not possible.
I do set limits though, tremendous limits around those who are dysfunctional on what I will "put" up with. I have very very very few expectations of what I will get these days from anyone who I deem dysfunctional because I know for a fact I set myself up for disappointment before from people who had nothing to give.
I don't know much what to comment on the mother of your grandson. Clearly one is that when we are "ill" we surround ourselves with people who are ill. When I was with the A I was in total frustration all the time about the people who he surrounded himself with. One nightmare left another began. I had no acceptance of that was what he "chose" rather than what he landed me with, which of course I was always, no matter what expected to rise to meet and accomodate (no such accomodation was ever offered to me!). I also set no limits on what/how I interacted with them. I kept wanting them to transform themselves and that wasn't possible. So I had some role in an impossible situation by not adjusting my expectations. Nowadays around dysfunctional people I expect very very very little. I expect them to be obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, self absorbed and totally unaware of anyone else. I don't much like having that expectation but being continually disappointed and yearning for the impossible was gut wrenching. They generally meet my expectations but don't exceed them.
I have a hard time on holidays as a rule but this last Christmas I set out to make it okay for me rather than roll around in grief and anguish that I don't "have'. I gave myself a "break" and went out and got some of the things I wanted, not huge extravagant breaks but I chose to spend the holiday taking care of me rather than fuming that I didn't have or couldn't have or no one would "give" me. I gave to me and I did it consistently and it was the beginning of trying to take care of me rather than hope and pray that someone would notice me and give me a few crumbs somewhere.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their posts in here. It's put another addition to my "gratitude list" today, in that I am grateful to still have my mom and that we get along well.
I agree with maresie in when it comes to sick people. I just set myself up for disappointment when I know they're always rude and then somehow expect that to magically change for me.
If I'm feeling particularly resentful (and I've read that resent is just another form of hate), I sometimes try to recognize the patterns and then what parts I'm playing in them.
For instance... I've been trying to get back on track with my workout routine after work. I've taken a month where I've been pretty loose and barely getting much physical exercise in, so I'm trying to get back to a more regular routine - my body really needs it.
In any case, I usually get home from work, quickly change and get started with my workout... and I can tell you... it never fails, that my AH will call me in the middle of my workout from his work: "What are you doing? Working out? Oooh... hmmm... well... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (for 5 or 10 minutes) about my day..."
The phone calls wouldn't frustrate me if he'd get off the phone quickly, but nine times out of ten, he'll decide to chat about his day at work and tell me what he's planning to do after work... if he's coming straight home, or going off to "run errands" (which I know for a fact now means he's going off to drink or do god only knows what else). When I'm all warmed up and my heart rate is in a good zone and my workout is interrupted and he keeps me on the phone, I get really, REALLY irritated.
So, this exact thing happened yesterday... not 10 minutes into my workout, AH calls... keeps me on the phone to tell me he's going to go try to fly his kite down by the beach... I'm like... "Okay. That's nice. Have fun... I'm going back to my workout now." and get off the phone with him as quickly as possible. 10 minutes later, he calls again... "Oh there's hardly any wind... I'm just going to head home..." Once again, I'm like "Okay. That's nice. See you soon. I'm going back to my workout now."
And each time after I got off the phone, I just ROARED in frustration.
So... I know for a fact that my AH is going to call me all the time when I'm working out. He just does. It's his thing. So now I need to find something else that I can do differently on MY part so I don't get interrupted and get downright angry and frustrated with the interruptions.
I'm thinking next time I come home to work out, I need to call my AH before I begin so he has his chance to blab about his day before I get started, and then I'll tell him "I'm going to be working out for an hour, so I'm not going to answer the phone." And then to seal the deal, I need to put my phone on silent so if he ignores what I said and calls again, I won't hear it ring and go to answer it.
I'm trying to treat this as MY time... if I were working out at a gym, my phone would be in my locker and I wouldn't be stopping what I was doing to run to the locker room and answer it. In fact, if I were at a gym, my AH would likely know not to bother calling at all... but in any case, I've let him trample all over that workout boundary, so I'm going to have to knuckle down and be firm. And if he whines that he was trying to call me and why didn't I answer, I can at least tell him "I told you that I'm working out and that I'm not going to be answering the phone."
This changing our patterns of expectations stuff isn't easy. Again, it all comes down to our not having ANY control over other people, so we have to change something about ourselves in order to get the results we want.
Thanks for all your responses to my pain. I am still in pain tonight, having had a very very bad day.
This site is good for the soul. I wrote a long, long post detailing everything that had happened to me today, just poured it out onto the screen, edited and added and then read and re-read. Then I deleted it. You don't really want to know all the horrible details of the things that happened with the doctor's appointment, the messy stuff between my son and his EX, the money fights, the whole huge mess which will not ever go away.
But just writing it down and then erasing it helped me a bit. I have been in bed since 6 PM, just unable to face another minute of the stress. Now it is really bedtime and I will never sleep. Guess I will get that book finished tonight as the hours tick away.
Omajoy, that first couple of Mother's Days after my mom died undid me. I was watching TV and came undone by a TV ad! That was low. I got through them and each one was better. After 2 or 3, they are just fine now. It's just a day when the restaurants are crowded :) One day at a time helped me then, as now. Take care -- Jill
