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I've slowly been working on increasing the amount of meditation I do.
Of course, before the beginning of the year, my mediation routine was pretty much non-existent. I'd meditate sometimes, and then not do it again for months.
In the last couple weeks, I've been trying to at least meditate one time a day for around 10-15 minutes. I'd either do it in the morning before work, or in the evening just before bed.
This week, I've been trying to increase it to two times a day - once in the morning and once before bed. I'm not perfect, so I haven't maintained this, but the point is that I'm consciously working at it.
Anyhow, Monday I meditated in the morning before work, and then that evening, I went to meditate before bed.
My AH was still up, so I just told him "I'm going to go meditate in the bedroom for about 15 to 20 minutes, I'll let you know when I'm done." He mumbled "okay", and I took a pillow to sit on and went into the room and sat down to start meditating.
Now, as many of you who meditate know... it sometimes takes some MAJOR concentration to get the mind to shut up so you can just sit in silence and just visualize positive things without words attached. I did that mental grapple for the first five or ten minutes of my meditation, and finally, when I finally managed that silence... what happens? I hear AH banging doors closed and locking them up for the night, and then next thing I know the bedroom door is opened and closed casually (not in a quiet way!). I physically jolted at the shattering of my silence, and I very calmly told my AH as he goes walking into the bathroom, "You know, the point of meditation is to have quiet and not have people walking in on you making noise."
AH didn't say anything to me - he just walked into the bathroom and closed that door.
I just got up, took my pillow and went into our office and closed that door.
Ugh. Back to the drawing board. First 10 minutes this time are spent grappling with "Ugh! Stupid AH! He KNOWS better! I can't believe he did that! Okay... shhhhh... let it go. Shhhh... (stupid jerk!). HUSH! No! Shhh... (I think he did that on purpose... what's his problem anyway? He must feel insecure about my meditating...) ENOUGH! Shut up already! Shhhhhhhh... breathe... light... warm light... HP is here with me... HP help me because I apparently don't even have control of my brain!... breathe... breathe..."
Finally, once again, I obtain that beautiful quieting of the mind where not a thought comes in, and if it does come in, I quickly silence it and go back to quiet visualization.
I meditated for a full 10 minutes in that beautiful silence, and then afterwards, I just felt compelled to pick up some of my spiritual literature and read some more... all just wonderful stuff about respecting people's free will... how it is self-destructive to hold on to anger... to send love and blessings to those whom you felt have wronged you...
And I did. I sent love to my AH after reading that. I was able to completely let go of the interruption and not personalize it. When I was ready for bed, I entered the room quietly because I knew he'd be sleeping... didn't make noise, didn't yank the covers back and huff and puff like I would have in the past. Just went to bed feeling warm and happy, and I managed to put a silver-lining on the interruption my AH had provided... it pushed me to meditate in a different place, made me practice "letting go and letting God"... just wonderful. I thanked my HP for such a great experience.
Enjoyed your share and makes me think about a different view of letting go, letting god and maybe detachment too.
re: "I managed to put a silver-lining on the interruption my AH had provided... it pushed me to meditate in a different place, made me practice "letting go and letting God"... just wonderful. "
I find this hard to do
thanks, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I am struggling with meditation because I want to do it, but really don't know how. Thank you for this inspiring share. I wish I could take a class or something, but I am going to keep trying.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I couldn't help but smile reading your post. I realize you weren't really trying to be funny, but it was :). It's true you have to go to a quiet place to meditate; and if anyone else nearby doesn't buy into that, it's not easy to do. But you will find that meditation is something that comes more and more easily. Meditation is not something that you "do," meditation is something that you allow to happen. It's a lot like sleep in that regard, we don't really "go" to sleep, we lie down, we make ourselves available, sleep happens. In meditation we quiet ourselves, quiet our thoughts, but unlike sleep, we keep a conscious awareness to our connection, to the source of light, love, understanding pouring in. We cannot meditate if our minds are "too busy" and we cannot quiet our minds if we don't meditate. It doesn't happen if we "try." It comes to us through practice. We practice meditation, and we find it becoming easier. Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening. That's how I see it. Thank you for your story. mac
Actually, I did find my mind battle pretty humorous the following day. It just really comedic the things that our brains do! It's that whole "me, myself, and I" thing... seriously... sometimes there really is like two people in there, and then there's this other presence there that's listening to it all. If you've ever read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth", that makes total sense, of course.
Anyhow, one of the funny things, too, about the spiritual literature that I picked up and read right after immediately started off with: "One of the great needs of individuals today is to feel the necessity of giving time morning and evening to sincere meditation: to the stilling of the outer activity that the Inner Presence may come forth unobstructed. ...Meditation really means feeling the Active Presence of God."
That last part gave me goosebumps because it is specifically what I try to accomplish when entering meditation. It was another one of those instances, like when I pick one of my daily Al-Anon readings and I swear that paragraph was written specifically for me.
Jen, I liked what mac suggested... it's one of those things that you just have to "let happen" like sleep. And only practice can make it come easier and easier. I'm hoping one day I can get so good at it that the moment I sit and close my eyes, I'm there. And then I stay there for a good 30+ minutes.
There are so many different ways to approach meditation, though. My sponsor says she uses her meditation as time to actually pray to her HP... so I get the sense that she doesn't really try to completely silence all and everything, but she at least quiets the worries in her head and strives to use that time to communicate with her HP.
I feel meditation for me isn't necessarily my praying to my HP - I will do it a little at the beginning, but then I strive to just silence everything - no talking to my HP except to open myself and welcome and accept my HP into my being - so I can then listen to or feel my HP's presence.
Hope you can find what works for you, because I feel that whatever way you approach it, be it praying to your HP, being completely silent, chanting... whatever... it's an awesome thing to have in your life.
