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I have heard it said, several times, that eventually alcoholics/addicts fall into one of three categories: locked up, covered up or sobered up. My husband is locked up, my cousin was buried yesterday and I know some one who has 5 years of sobriety.
My cousin was wonderful man. He was a beautiful person. He had a family who loved him so much. He had periods of sobriety, very involved in AA and actually a CDC for a while. He died with a needle in his arm. I am so angry. He was too good to die like that. He was supposed to regain sobriety and live to old age with his wonderful wife, kids and grandkids. I always expected he would overcome addiction. I have never been so stunned in my life. I have had other in my family die as a direct result of their addictions, but they never made efforts to stop. Drinking and drugging was their lifestyle and they didn't seem interested in living any other way. This cousin did fight his addiction. He fought and fought and fought...and lost... I took it for granted that he would beat it, that he would eventually be free of it.
I hate alcoholism/addiction and codependancy. I hate it all. I am very angry right now.
Sorry for your loss..... Myself, I have been to four funerals, directly as a result of addictions..... It doesn't get any easier.... It's a sad reality of the life or death situation that this really is for most A's....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((grizmom)))))) I'm right there with ya on the anger part. And I know it's frustrating, because it feels like there's nowhere to "go" with it. My A is a "fighter". He works and works and works at his program. Gets very involved with AA and his fellow AA'ers. He goes along quite well for a long time - then out of nowhere the disease snatches him away. Just like that. No rhyme or reason - no warning (that I've ever been able to detect) - he's just here, then he's "gone". I get so angry and sad and frustrated. That's when detachment becomes so important for me.
But once someone you love loses their life to this miserable, insidious monster - then that anger, sadness, and frustration are multiplied. Your anger is understandable. In time, your spirit will be so exhausted from the anger, that you will have to give way to acceptance. As those of us who love or have loved A's know....we don't have to LIKE the situation, but ultimately it's not ours to change - so we must simply accept and move forward.
My heart goes out to you as you sit in the midst of this disease. I hope you're getting to Al-Anon meetings - as the support and ESH you get there (as well as here) are invaluable.
well I don't hate codependency because of course I am one. Sometimes I despair of getting better. We have to remember some people do suceed, they do stay sober, some don't. Of course we grieve and rage and say "why me!".
I work pretty hard on not having any active addicts in my life, not because I don't empathise with them but precisely because I do, the chaos and pain they cause others is immense. I have had my fill of it. Rght now I don't have any more to give. I am sorry you are in pain, I hope you find respite here.
My heart goes out to you too. So sorry to read of your loss and the anger that you feel, yet I do understand why you feel like this. Such a waste of one who is battling so hard to overcome the disease. Nothing seems to make sense in a situation like that.
Praying that you will find some peace to ease the pain. Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
So sorry for your loss....keeping you in my prayers. My heart goes out to you too. Know you will get thru the anger. I too am angry at the disease and what it does to those we love.
Thank you to all who have read and responded. This has been really hard for me. I had watched my cousin and his wife for years, there are so many similarities in our lives. My cousin and husband are so much alike. Not just the addiction, but in so many other ways as well. My cousin and his wife are 10 years older than me and my husband. I looked up to them. I learned from them. His death has just devastated me. I wanted them to have a happy ending. One of the reasons I wanted them to have a 'happy ending' was for me to keep hope that my husband and I would have one.
I hate codependancy because I am learning that I am codependant. I am realizing that I am just as sick and warped as the alcoholic and that my actions/reactions have been as much as a part of our problems as his addictions. If I had been healthy I would have never attracted the alcoholic or if I had attracted him I would have had the sense to disengage from the relationship rather than ignoring my feelings and priding myself for being strong in foraging ahead.
I hate addiction. I have never had so much absolute hatred for anything my life. And, my heart has never been so broken as it has been this week. This death was too close, it was too real and it was so wrong.
I'm so sorry your cousin lost the battle. I truly have such compassion, especially when the addict really does strive for freedom and they just can't get there. It's such a cruel and unrelenting disease cycle. The only good that comes from it is that his battle is now over and he has found peace at last. I hope in time you and his family have peace with it too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
So sorry for your loss. We lost my brother-in-law last fall to a long road of prescription addictions. My husband was right with him last June, and I thought I would come home and find them both on the couch one day. I put my foot down and told my husband "your brother or your marriage" because I knew I was going to lose him if I didn't. I'm grateful that he chose his marriage instead of pills, but he hadn't spoken to his brother in three months, when his brother passed away. We both felt guilty, but no one could save him except himself. Now, my husband isn't handling things well. It's so awful. Know we too feel your pain and anger at this disease called addiction. It robs so many people of a good life. My prayers are with you and your family.
