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I have been talking to the A about trying to work things out, and Im not sure if that is what I want or not, he says (AGAIN) he is willing to really work a program this time but does not feel AA is for him....but wouldnt mind going to Al-Anon with me, which, he is the son and bro of an A...so I guess he DOES in a way belong in AL-Anon, but I am not sure I want to share my Al-Anon with him....I know that may sound kind of stupid to some but I just feel that if I KNEW FOR SURE there was an A in the room (mine more than any of them lol) I will not be comfortable....some things I might want to say but not be willing to say in front of him...this time I am hell bent on fixing ME with or with out my A...I have made up my mind that that is what I need to do and have been trying very hard to work on ME and not worry about "fixing" everybody else....SSSSOOOO am just wondering if anybody else has been here and what their thoughts are on this....in a way I feel that ANY program is better than none, but also feel this would hurt MY program....so confused....again lol
My two cents? He doesn't need to be at your meetings. Sounds like a keen way to manipulate you into thinking he wants recovery without him going to AA, but he's actually butting into your program.
I wouldn't open up either, and darn tootin' it would hurt my recovery.
I know for me, my recovery is my recovery, and no one else's.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I can honestly say I'd be very, VERY disappointed if my AH decided to start tagging along to Al-Anon meetings with me. Even if he genuinely wanted to go to them, I'd feel uncomfortable because Al-Anon is a place where I spill my feelings, and my AH isn't always a "pretty" subject for me if I end up talking about him at the meetings. Honestly, I think it would add more strain to our marriage than make it easier.
My sponsor's husband has started attending occasional Al-Anon meetings, and unfortunately, he's hearing things that set him off. Like one of the things that was discussed to end an argument is to say "you may be right" - my sponsor has used that many times with him before he started attending Al-Anon meetings, and now if she says that to him, he takes offense as he feels it's a shady tactic.
In any case, I agree with THSKS - it's a cop-out your AH is using. AA scares the bajeezus out of him, just like it scares my AH, and thus he feels AA is not for him. It's too hard-hitting and close to home. I would perhaps explain THAT to your AH before he tags along with you - let him know you're going to hit the EXACT same twelve steps that AA does and he's STILL going to have to look at himself and work on conquering his demons just the same as AA.
Most open Al-Anon meetings are open to all who wish to attend. Closed ones are for members of the AFG only. Whether he is in the room when you are in the room is your (both) choice and is built on mutual respect and love. If you advise him up front of your intentions and wishes that's best. You can tell him that you feel you are qualified for the program because of the reaction you get to his drinking and you wish that he not be in the room when you share.
That's about as black and white as it can get. With a meeting schedule available you can decide which meetings either goes to. It's okay to plan that out. We have a handful of "double winners" in our area; where both partners attend and this works as the AA has a lot of AA program and sobriety under their belt before coming and working the Al-Anon program which is much broader and much more deeper than AA's philosophy of "just not drinking". Some people (AA mostly) might get a knee jerk reaction to that last statement yet from my experience as a member of both...9 years sobriety in Al-Anon and then 29 years total in recovery I can demonstrate it. My current spouse is an Al-Anon member with 19 years membership. We attend meetings together. We do not sponsor each other or work each others program. We work the program in the way that we know best for us. Sometimes my process will rub off on her and at other times hers will rub off on me and our programs are very different with the same consequence...peace of mind and serenity.
Most all members of the fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups in my area and district "DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL" and ALL CONTINUOUSLY RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS IN MY DISTRICT AND AREA "DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL". If your alcoholic is attempting to have his cake and eat it too it might be suggested to him that the cake cannot be a "Rum Cake" regardless of what party he is in.
You sound like you can handle some courage work. Go for it and as you need support...lean this way.
Well there are other options other than AA. There are support groups that look at alcoholism without the spiritual component.
I think the A who I was with was always looking to turn over responsibility to me. He wanted me to take all the responsibility for everything. I did for years. Then I stopped when I started working a program here.
I never got anywhere with the A I was with by setting terms. He felt totally okay about giving me fait accompli's but seemed to regress when I put any limit on him. He wanted it all and he of course got it all. Now I will have nothing to do with him at all.
I don't know that I tired negotiating with him I got worn down by his antics. Personally I don't see why anyone would not give AA a trial of a few months.
