The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, folks. You would think I'd have recognized the signs, coming from a family where pretty much all the men are either alcoholics or addicts. But here I am at 45 married to an alcoholic in denial, and his defense is "I'm not that bad." No, he doesn't beat me, nor pee in inappropriate places (AFAIK), and I know a lot of other people have it much worse, but he has lost jobs from being too messed up to show up, has fallen down and injured himself, and has been picked up for DUI twice and I know of a few other occasions when he should have been. Sits out in the driveway drinking from the bottle, then hides the empties in his trunk before I get home and denies that he's been drinking. So how bad does it have to get before it's bad enough?
I waited a long time before I could say drinking was running and ruining my A Son's life and my life to be out of control. Bad enough for me meant I had to stop enabling, face the 3 Cs, and try to control my own life. It's not too easy. He is in my thoughts constantly and I am so worried. He is always my child, but I can't spend my days just waiting to see what horror is next. Laura
I hear that we Alanoners reach our own bottom and then we know how bad is bad enough. I just don't know why I settle for less. I think I am close to my bottom.
Bad was bad enough for me just 1 second before I entered the doors of my first for real Al-Anon Family Group meeting. 1 second before I came into the rooms my entire life had come to the reality that another suicide attempt was a viable solution. 1 second before I came into the rooms my life was hopeless and there was no God to believe or trust in. One second before I got here I was dead and looking for a place to lay down. One second before I got here I was aware of the most excruciating spiritual pain I had ever felt in my life and the very next second I was listening to the opening statement to my very first AFG meeting. Since that second my life has never been the same. Free at last! Free at last. Thank GOD...I'm free at last.
Please do keep coming back. This where it all turns around if you want it to turn around. If you work this program as it is suggested there is a life waiting for you that you have never imagined existed or ever thought you deserved. You will come to understand the word miracle and know that you are one while more miracles come into your life. I kid you not at all.
Shebear, I have been down that muddy road with my A. It was a very dark road. I like you felt alone, and did not know which way to turn. I found the help I needed when I walked through the doors at my first Al-Anon meeting. It has been a life saver for me. Trust me, you came to the right place. You will find the help you need here on the MIP site, and attending Al-Alon meetings in your area. I can't stress that enough. Your life will change, not in one day, but I promise it will change for the better. Please give both a try,you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I'm not on that muddy road anymore because Al-Anon now has me on solid ground. Let's call it a paved road to recovery. I'm a MIP believer. Rodney
Thank you for your replies. I guess what I meant was I know how bad it can really get, with relationships and finances and lives in complete ruins, so part of me feels like I should be grateful that it's not as bad as it could be, like I shouldn't complain because there are so many people in so much worse situations. But knowing how bad it can get and seeing what direction it's heading, I don't want to ride this all the way to rock bottom.
I've said similar things recently. Reading the stories here, I kept thinking: "What am I complaining about? He doesn't beat me. He keeps a job. He's never gotten a DUI because he doesn't drive. I don't even have any kids that have to see him act drunk."
But why wait for all of that? This is about YOU. Are you unhappy? Do you feel crazy all the time? Then it's bad enough! You actually deserve to be happy, and it's within your power to make that happen.
Realizing that changed my life. Coming here and getting support and understanding helped too. Try Al-Anon. It can only help you.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
For me it wasn't "bad enough" until I stepped out of denial, what I wanted, and what I thought should be, and acknowledged what really was. I did not get to that point until after I joined al-anon.
A happy marriage/relationship takes two, and even though my husband made it very clear to me that he was was out, I just kept hanging on. It didn't work. You cannot judge your relationship or situation based on the lives of others. It is known that aism untreated will only get worse. I also find that as much as I think I can predict what is going to happen, I usually just have a general idea, and the situation ends up better or much much worse than I even imagined. It can be difficult not to worry, but if you can make some progress toward protecting yoursel instead, you can feel a little less helpless. I have to make a conscious effort to give it all to my HP on a daily basis, or else the burden is just too great to carry.
I agree, you don't want to ride it to "rock bottom", particulalry because you don't know what that really means. I'm glad you are posting here. It would be great if you can get to some f2f meetings too. At this point, whichever direction you go, stay or leave, it's going to hurt, but probably no worse than it already is. The blow can be softened if you can share the burden with others that truly understand, and al-anoners really do. You are not alone.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Shebear.... Your "bottom" is as unique as your A's is, so in answer to your question of "how bad is bad enough", I'm afraid the only answer I can come up with is that you will change when you are "sick and tired of being sick and tired"
He will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do....?
Take care of you....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
