The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I first just want to say that though I have not posted in a while I do think of everyone often and still read the posts. My A has now been transferred to a maximum security jail because of the violations he incurred that resulted in lock down for the extended period. Now he is double shackeled when allowed out for one hour with visitation only on weekends- though noone has visited the new location- and limited phone access. As he puts it he is now in with the murderers and rapists. Furthermore, while his mom originally said she would bond him out if an option, she has since revoked this offer and told him so. Needless to say he is "down" and though I don't have contact with him often I find myself feeling pity for me. He made the comment last week that he had planned on staying with me and our child when he was released and was that an option. We had never had that conversation and I can only assume he thought that because his mom had previously proposed this idea. I am so ashamed that I could not say no when he asked. I just sat there and then mumbled something about not being sure what he was going to do when he was released to which he responded get his life together, etc. Now he thinks he can come stay with me and I can't bring myself to tell him no- maybe part of me wants him to still come- okay part of me does- and the other part does not but is afraid to tell him no for a variety of reasons- one being that I do not want him to be upset with me- that is if I honestly look at my reasons. I pray for the strength and courage to set boundaries for myself- and I pray that I will also consistently desire these boundaries as well.
Nicely titled post for where you are at. Keep coming back cause it's working and you're learning. In time the compassion and the courage will grow and the borderlines will fade and your compassion will be for you, for him for me for everyone else and you're courage will not stumble. You will do the right thing with little hesitation...and you will be free of fear. That's a promise for those of us who want it and work this marvelous progrom to get it.
He has a lot of time to reflect and read and research. There is tons of informa- tion available to him thru the prison system that he can read to help him understand himself and how he thinks how he thinks and why he does what he does inspite of undesired consequences. The prison system has a lot of copies of the "Big Book" of AA or the NA "Big Book". The literature for Al-Anon should also be there probably on the same shelf as the Bible whatever version or the Talmud, Koran and others.
He has the time...might he only lack the suggestion? I pray he gets the suggestion and pray deeper that he follows up on it. His entire life depends on it. I am sad that he considers himself somewhere above rapists and murderers and maybe hasn't gone there "yet". To those who have suffered as victims of the alcoholic and addict it is just a matter of symantics isn't it?
The mind and emotions get raped and the spirit murdered.
I used to feel tremendous pity and "compassion" for the A. Now I think I didn't actually respect that he had to take care of himself. I was trying to control some kind of security which is crazy really with an A. The only thing I was practically guaranteed is that he would be in chaos, intimacy and stability were not there ever.
I bought into the illusion he "might" be there, he "could" be there, he may be there, rather than what was, which was always always always a mess. Admittedly it became a worse mess but from day one it was always a mess.
I don't live by illusion anymore, I live in reality. I can't say I much like my reality, its hard going but I'm not in disappointment or denial anymore. I have tremendous limits these days over what I "will" do. I had no limits before, none at all, as far as the A I gave him the shirt off my back and asked for more. He presumed he could take it all. I shut that door but it took me a long time to get there.
I think my fixation on the A was also a way not to focus on how lonely, how desperate, how tired, how lost I am. I could look at him and feel useful. I wasn't actually being that useful as no matter what I did he still managed to get into even more messes and then to make bigger and bigger catasrophes. I got tired of that in time but I had to be brought to the brink of exhaustion before I said 'no'. And then he tested them for a long long time. Eventually he stopped testing because he knew I meant it.
I think what maresie said is exactly what I would like to have said. This is just how it was with my A. He still calls periodically but he can't manage to stay out of trouble. I would never allow him to stay with me and he knows it. He's been on the street several times - his choice. They have to have the dignity to live their own lives and make their own choices - good or bad.
