The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The first decision (posted under Maria's) was to share my recovery program with a friend. Not a good decision. She called me born again and said she didn't understand. I just wanted to let her know that I had found help with my pain. The second decision was thought out by me. If my AHsober calls I need to have my anwers ready. I asked him to switch cars so that our son would have a more reliable car for work this summer. I e-mailed about this. So he calls after a week of not talking to him. He does his usual of asking me why I am doing this, why it wasn't discussed with him, etc. I said it has been discussed, he says not with me. I said you never call so how can we discuss things with you? He got mad. He said well if that is the case then my answer is no. I said fine, talk to you later. I really felt like I finally had said no to his disease.
NM, wow, I am just dealing with the same stuff!! too weird! I have just been wringing my hands about who I tell about my program stuff and who i do not.
I mean, this is important to me and I am not ashamed of it but I am still wanting people's approval and feel afraid to stand up and say: this is who I am, this is what I need, this is what is working for me and I want you to know about it. My sister is cool with it and so are a couple of other friends. I have not told one newer girlfriend and I have not told this guy I am beginning to see. But I want to tell them both, I really do. I want it to be out in the open about it but I do not want to lose their respect or friendship/interest in me. I know I need to just get over it and am working on that- I gotta be honest, right?!
My AH does the same thing- makes a HUGE deal about not being consulted when he is never available or capable of having a calm conversation about ANYTHING so NO, HE AINT GONNA GET CONSULTED!!! I just have to go and make my own choices and deal with things on my own to the best of my ability. I asked AH for a lousy 3-5 grand to get a decent used car and he said we needed to discuss it. I said no thanks so he said no thanks- that works for me. I would rather get the money somewhere else than have to sit down and have a completely insane conversation about it with him. I just stick to basic yes or no questions- discussion is impossible and illogical and insane (remember, my AH is un-medicated bipolar, too).
I feel for you totally NM, hang in there and keep the focus on you!! Hugs, J.
God, I can really identify, they love discussions which go nowhere, I got the standard answer "we'll see" for sixteen years. Can't take that response anymore as it always meant no. I just try to stick to making all decision solely as it was just too painful, no negotiation possible. I find the ex-A cannot relax, I am actually trying to avoid him as much as possible as he is just too stressful. He is still in my house though, but I no longer care about what people think as life has to be lived. I care about trying to act responsibly, and taking it one day at a time.
I've decided to keep Al-Anon to myself unless someone notices the positive changes in me and asks me "how are you doing it?"
Even then, I think for the most part, I'll leave the "spirituality" aspect of it out of the equation unless I know they're a spiritual person to begin with. That "Higher Power" stuff really freaks some people out. They draw conclusions based on past negative experiences once they hear of anything that could be defined as "God" and then the walls are up.
Glad you were able to be frank and honest with your AH!
Why would we consult with a disease anyway? Kind of like going to the hardware store for bread again. Just more crazy making.
As far as sharing the program. I have to remind myself all the time that this program is based on "attraction rather than promotion". And reading what you all have to say about sharing it, I realise that Tradition 11 is a powerful guideline that not only protects the public at large from us becoming overzealous selling the program, but also protects us people-pleasers from ourselves. When we share the program it needs to be with the intent of offering help to those that are suffering, not looking for approval from them. I have to look hard at my motives before I attempt what is really a 12th step, "carry this message to others".
I try to only give vague suggestions that there is help if someone is interested. If a friend is having a particularly rough time I will invite them to a meeting, but I don't elaborate, just let them know they are welcome to come. I share lots of program principles without divulging where they come from.
It is also wise I think to remember anonymity for more reasons than just our own privacy. We may be the only contact a person may ever see associated with Al-Anon. When we reveal that we are members, it needs to be with a clear purpose of sharing support after someone has expressed interest in getting help.
Anyway, this is what I strive for. Obviously I am not very good at it sometimes myself. It is so tempting to just spew program at people and try to drag them kicking and screaming into recovery. LOL But I don't ever want to be the reason that a person forever refused to come get the help I have found.
Sorry this was a bit long winded. My thoughts ramble a bit. LOL
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think for years I really wanted to be "known" and would try to be "known" to totally inappropriate people. I felt driven to it. I would then feel very disappointed. This board has been such a lifesaver for me.
I went through much the same thing about discussing things with the A. He always was arbitrary and obnoxious and demeaning. He wanted it all "his" way. He fumed and fumed if I chose to have any say at all. I think that was quite compulsive for him. When I really started to work the program, not argue, get busy, make a plan b that changed. I stopped looking to him to "share". He never did.
I took an incredibly long time to say "no" to the A. I know now it was not all him, much of that was my debilitating fear. I can still be fearful but I try to work on myself daily and I get to come here and celebrate recovery. Truly recovery is very very different from what I expected.
