As many of you know, I have shared Letting go of those not in recovery which I call The Bridge.

Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge.  On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.  We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.  Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.  Some drank; some used other drugs.  Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.  Some of us obsessively focused on addicted peoples pain to distract us from our own pain.  Many of us did both:  We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.  We did not know there was a bridge.  We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky.  Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.  We saw the bridge.  People told us what was on the other side:  Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.  We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldnt listen.  They couldnt see it; they couldnt believe.  They were not ready for the journey.  We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.   The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.  There was light, warmth, healing and love.  The other side was a better place.

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.  Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.  No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.  Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.  Some will come; some will stay on the other side.  The choice is not ours.

And heres where I enter . . . I am taking a Strategic Management Course in college where we are doing two very huge management study cases and powerpoint presentations that is the culmination of many prior courses Economics, Marketing, Management, etc.  The professor divided us into two groups.  He warned us at the beginning that we may end up not liking each other, not liking him, etc. etc.  I thought hmmmmm, Im used to that.  I deal with people every day.

Well the project manager was not managing the project as I would have but seeing as how I chose not to be a project manager, I had to play teamwork.  I did everything she asked of me and more.  I felt she did not use each of our strengths to the best of our abilities but continued to work it.  Often our group meetings were pretty scattered, like trying to tack down jello.

Comes the day of the presentation, we are all set to present and somehow I am left out of the presentation.  My crazy thinking thinks the project manager did it on purpose but I was like whatever, it was out of my control.  I just went and sat down while my group finished presenting.  The other team followed and did a magnificent presentation.  It was very well put together and well thought out.  Ours paled in comparison.

At the end of the presentation, the professor tells the whole class that hes totally disappointed in the presentation and just told us to go for the evening (he never lets us out early).  Then he asks me to stay after class. 

Now in the meantime, I was so disappointed and angry at how I got left out, that I had to leave the building for a while to blow off some steam and god forbid not let anyone see me cry.  I walked out into the fresh air and found a ladies room in a hotel nearby to compose myself.

So I am like whatever now Im going to take the blame for this presentation.  The professor knows me well and was surprised when I declined Project Manager (thats another story).  He bluntly asks me what the heck happened tonight?  I couldnt answer him.  I didnt know.  He said "well I usually sleep on things but if you want to go over to the other team for the next presentation, you can.  Sleep on it and let me know."

So the old guilt system kicks in.  Children of alcoholics are loyal to a fault.  Ayup thats me.  I am not happy with Project manager or another team member but there were other kids that worked hard too and I thought I cant leave them.  But then again, the other team did an awesome job and its my grade too.  I couldnt afford two bad presentations.

We can love them.  We can wave to them.  We can holler back and forth.  We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.  But we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.  It is where we are meant to be.  We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because anothers time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.  And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

In comes The Bridge . . . this was an opportunity for me to go over the Bridge, to the winning side, to the side where there was light, the next night of class, I wasnt so sure they would want me because it might change the team dynamics.  They immediately welcomed me in and asked what the heck had happened last class too.  I couldnt answer.  I will never know.  The Project manager told the prof that it was a miscommunication.  So next week is the presentation that weve worked hard on as a team, with a new really friendly team who works cohesively and a project manager that knows his teams strengths and weaknesses.

Todays reminder:  I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.  I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.  I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.  I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.

Source:  Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

It feels really weird.  I feel ostracized in class with the other group still but I am following my HPs plan for me and my life and thought I would share that I not only talk the talk, I am willing to walk the walk also.

Yours in recovery,

Maria