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Post Info TOPIC: A long, exhausting weekend


~*Service Worker*~

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A long, exhausting weekend


Just fair warning, this is really, REALLY long, and honestly, I think that I'm just working things through in my head as I post this.

I had a long, trying and exhausting weekend full of highs and lows. Jeez. I almost think my weekend was bipolar or something.

As I've mentioned before, my AH's brother and mom are out visiting along with a friend. They discovered that there was a big AA/Al-Anon convention going on here this weekend, so they wanted to go. I decided to join them. AH's mom wanted to go, and then she decided to pay for my AH to go.

All weekend long there were just so many great shares from the speakers. If you ever get a chance to locate speaker CD's, look for one by Ellen C - oooh my, this Al-Anoner was HILARIOUS! My sides were hurting by the time her hour-long share was over. She had a powerful message, for sure, but she sure knew how to put a humorous spin on her co-dependent traits.

Very powerful speeches by AA members, as well - and I really see a lot of my AH and myself in their own stories.

Sunday morning was an amazing prayer and meditation session by Lehua B - a local Hawaiian AA member. She performed a beautiful hula song and hula chant followed by a wonderful prayer session taking us all through the twelve steps. It was so emotional, I wish someone had warned me to bring tissue! I don't think there was a dry eye in the place when she was done.

So, there was so much fantastic sharing going on, but at the same time, I felt like I was being stripped naked with their messages. It really got me to take an even more sincere, closer look at myself, and I'm not sure I was fully prepared for it. By Sunday, I was exhausted with the emotions that were overwhelming me.

AH had a rough time of it, himself. He sent my head spinning on a few occasions.

#1 - I remained confused as to why he was even attending because he's so vehemently convinced that he's not afflicted with a "disease", he just has an "addiction" that he should be able to control.

#2 - He doesn't like the AA meetings. He thinks it's just a bunch of people getting together to whine and cry about their lives and not "do" anything about it.

#3 - After Ellen C's speech, he felt he could relate more to Al-Anoners than AA members. Which, could very well be - of COURSE he has co-dependent traits, he grew up in a family of alcoholics.

#4 - Saturday morning, he threw my mind for a loop - we went on our bike ride and when we were done, we were waiting for his mom to meet us after she took a scenic walk, so we sat down and talked, and he comes out and tells me "Okay, I know. I KNOW! I'm powerless over alcohol. I can't control it. I know that - but I DON'T LIKE AA! I want us to be happy together. I want to have a life, though!" His whole train of thought with AA, then, is that AA members become like bible-thumpers - he worries that he'll be expected to live, eat, sleep, breathe AA - like he'll be stuck in meetings the rest of his life and won't be able to have any fun. I honestly didn't have much to tell him at that time, though. My mind got stuck that he'd actually said "I'm powerless over alcohol."!

#5 - Saturday evening turned into my AH's downward spiral for the weekend. At an afternoon AA/Al-Anon workshop meeting, he got up and left early to go home and change for the luau. After the meeting was over, I saw he'd called me and left me a message saying "Oh, I couldn't catch the shuttle home, so I had to take the car. I had to get home because the police officer was looking for me to serve me. I'll be back in time for the luau."

Ooooh - I was TICKED. Al-Anon, schmalanon! He took the car without a driver's license! And the really mean person in me - well, that person was mad that he went and got served in private instead of without his family there to watch. Oh. VERY mean of me. But that's where I now recognize that that was me hoping to control a situation that was out of my hands. I was secretly hoping that he'd be served in front of his family and the shame of it all would finally have him crying "UNCLE!". Oooh - maybe THEN he'd embrace AA....

Yeah.

Not good thoughts in my brain.

#6 - I ostracized my AH for a bit when he returned for the luau. Told him I was mad at him for taking the car. You know... in hindsight, that was not the reason I was mad. it was because he didn't get served in front of his family. I didn't tell him THAT, though - nope. Just alienated him for taking the car without a license. I eventually let go of my anger, though, or so I thought. We had fun at the luau. AH's mom even got pulled up to dance on the stage with one of the male dancers - we were laughing so hard watching her skip and jump around.

#7 - After the luau was another AA speaker meeting. Once again, my AH put me in a head spin when they were doing the countdown of years, to months to days in sobriety. AH hadn't drank for 6 days while his family was out visiting, and when they got to 6 days, AH actually stood up. It just surprised me because he was so hell bent against AA, why even bother standing? So that's when my meddling mind came into play again - ooooh, maybe he feels he's got to just give in because now that he's been served, the courts are going to make him go to AA anyway. So, of course, my brain gets all happy because I thought he was starting to hear things in the meetings that made sense to him and that he was going to start participating.

#8 - After the speaker meeting was a dance. I was really looking forward to it, as I enjoy dancing (even though I probably have no rhythm!). I knew AH wouldn't want to dance, but thought he'd at least come inside and socialize. Nope. He decided to sit outside and pout. I told him I was going to go in and have some fun and that I'd check back with him later. According to AH, I was in there dancing for "an hour" (er.. no, more like 30 minutes, tops), and then I went out to try to see if he'd like to come in. I'm greeted by a gruff, cranky man. "No! I'm not comfortable. I'm tired. I don't want to be in there. I want to go home."

Well, I didn't want to go home, so I thought, well, since he has no problem taking off with the car despite the possible consequences as he showed earlier today, I'll tell him to drive himself home and I'll get a ride with his BIL and mom and friend in their rental car.. So, I told him "If you're uncomfortable, just take the car and go home, then. I'm staying because I'm having fun. I'll ride back with them."

Well, this really ticked AH off, for sure. "Oh so why is it NOW that you're okay with my taking the car? You know I could get in trouble! All I want right now is your support, and you're not giving me any. I just want to be with you and you're just leaving me out here all by myself."

Whew. I just tried to be nice to him and told him I got over the car thing - he's going to do what he's going to do. I wish he'd come in and have some fun with me and his family, but he doesn't want to. Told him I love him before he stormed off all angry, and then went and cried with my sponsor who was there over the extreme guilt I was feeling at not going home with AH. Even now, I don't know if that night panned out as my alienating AH in reaction to his pouting - perhaps I still felt resentment over what had occurred earlier in the day and I was just trying to push him to a bottom. I don't know... I really don't. All I do know for sure was that I was having fun, and I would have probably felt resentful and manipulated if I had gone home early with my AH.

#9 - Sunday morning came with the two very powerful AA speeches - one the fantastic meditation and prayer meeting. I felt stripped to the bone after that. AH chose to stay home that morning. His mom stayed with him, so it was just BIL and his friend and I. I was really tired after the late night dancing and emotional day I'd had on Saturday, and the pure mix of sadness and gratitude I'd had during the meditation/prayer meeting. I was WIPED OUT. We were originally planning to spend part of the afternoon at the pool at the resort where the convention was held, but I changed my mind. I just wanted to go home and take a nap and then take care of my laundry. So, I asked BIL and friend if they wouldn't mind taking me home - they both decided they were pretty tired, too, so said they'd come home for a little while, too.

Got home - and of course, AH has already decided I have hell to pay. Cold shoulders and silent treatment from him, but I decided not to let it phase me. I wasn't going to play that game. Just talked to him and his mom pleasantly, had some lunch, then decided to start my laundry then take a nap. BIL and friend left to go do some tourist stuff.

AH comes and says "will you take my mom and I to go souvenir shopping?" I sighed - didn't mean to, but I did - I was soooo very tired. I started to ask him if he could just take her because I was tired and needed a nap. Either that or ask them to wait a little while, then I'd take them. Before I even got to the part of "can I take a nap, first?", AH got ticked off "You want me to drive without a license!?!" I hear AH's mom in the background offering to drive, but AH hates his mom's driving, so I know that wasn't going to happen. I just told him I was tired and needed a nap, and again was trying to get to the point of "give me an hour and then I'll take you", but he just decides to leave and take his mom shopping.

After they left, I started my laundry, then went into the bedroom and just had a complete meltdown. I dropped to my knees at the foot of the bed, sobbing and telling my HP "I surrender!!!! I don't know what to do anymore! I'm trying but I just don't know what I'm doing! I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!! I don't know if I'm saying the right or wrong things! I don't know! Help me! I surrender! Thy will be done!"

I cried for quite a while, then finally dragged myself to the bed - had to blow my nose because I just couldn't breathe (why oh WHY do our noses run when we're crying??). Then I finally just calmed down and took a nap for maybe 30 minutes or so.

AH and his mom got home maybe 20 minutes after I finally woke. AH tells me "we need to talk right now" and takes me into the bedroom, and I just keep thinking in my head - okay, HP, help me here - be my voice. AH is in attack mode. "I think you're being very selfish, and if this is what Al-Anon teaches you to be, then I hate it. I needed your support last night, but all you did was blow me off! I'm mad! I think you actually wanted me to get in trouble last night driving home!"

I tried to talk with him reasonably, but I think I was under defensive attack mode myself. I listened to him, tried to explain myself to him, but it finally got to a point where I started arguing points with him and then I heard this thought in my head telling me "This is going nowhere! Get up and leave, NOW." So I did. I told AH I didn't like the way he was talking to me, so I was done. AH tries to stop me "Oh, you're leaving tells me you're scared and that I must be right!" I stopped for just a minute to listen to him, and then just left the room, with him yelling at me. Poor MIL is waiting in the front room, and just asking meekly "Are we going to go eat?"

I took a deep breath, and said "Yes, let's go eat."

So, we went out to eat, and then I took MIL to a store where she wanted to buy a porcelain doll for a friend on the mainland. The whole time AH is avoiding any eye contact with me, and any questions I ask him or conversation I make, his response is always a brief grunt or short answer. I wasn't trying to make him feel better at all. Let him have his anger. But for ME, I was just working at being pleasant because I was DONE. I didn't want to fight. I wanted to enjoy my day, so that's what I was working at.

We got home, decided we would rent a movie on Pay Per View to watch, and then finally, I just looked my AH in the eye and decided we could finally engage in a conversation where we weren't yelling at each other.

He started things off with "I'm just tried of people trying to tell me what to do!"

I told him I recognize that he's been going through a lot of stress this week. I apologized to him if for any reason I came across that I was trying to push him into AA, as that was not my intent. I respect his right to make his own choices, and I had come to terms that I cannot control his drinking. I was very surprised he was attending the meetings, though, but regardless, it's his decision and I'm not trying to control him. He apologized to me for being snappy and irritable all week. He felt obligated to go to the meetings because his mom paid for his registration to the conference...

We said so much to each other. It was one of those rare glimmers where I think my AH was speaking, and not his disease. He did say some things that were aimed to hurt me, I know... stuff like "sometimes I feel like I just need to start over. But I don't know where that starting over is. Is it from this morning, is it a new job? Is it a new relationship?" And of course, he looks long and hard at me when he says those things... the subtle threats to leave the relationship. I know they're designed to inflict pain, and honestly, it's a pretty successful attempt, but a part of me is done with it when he says that. I try not to show hurt, I never try to say "oooh! no! we can work it out!! don't say that!"... again. His life. If he wants to leave, then he can leave. And there's a part of me that thinks "Jeez, finally. stop stringing me along." So... I just let him say that but I never generate a reply for those kind of statements. Honestly, I don't feel those kind of remarks are deserving of a response at all in any shape or form.

Through it all, though, I recognize that ugly place my AH's head is stuck in. So many of his statements are very co-dependent on their own. "I need your support. If you loved me you would." How many times have I thought that myself? It wasn't until Al-Anon that I started working on not saying those kinds of things to people. Because it's just putting me in that place of wanting other people to do things for me in order for me to be happy.

After our conversation, though, AH went from telling me I'm selfish and that he doesn't like Al-Anon to saying "Oh, if Al-Anon is doing this for you, then I like it." I think it was in relation to my telling him I'm not trying to control whether he drinks or not or what he decides to do with himself or not.

This whole weekend turned out to be a major pressure-cooker. I've recognized some mean things my mind was doing, and was certainly put to the test in interacting with my AH in the full grips of his disease.

One thing I failed to do while my AH was verbally lashing me, though, was to recognize it as his disease snapping at me, and not him. There were a few times where I took things personal when I didn't need to.

Live and learn.

The trials aren't over yet by far. AH's court date for his DUI is in June. Who knows what's going to happen then. He has five counts against him. Driving while intoxicated, failing to stop at the scene of an accident where he damaged a person's car, driving without a valid license, driving a vehicle that was overdue on registration... and one other thing. Forgot. So, yeah. He's got a lot of crap coming his way.

I'm not going there in my mind, worrying about what might happen. I don't want to think about the worst outcomes. I'll just deal with them IF they happen, but not even give them any thought at all until that time. Just keep putting my trust in my HP that I'm being watched out for and that I'll be taken care of.

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~*Service Worker*~

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wow


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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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I think this sounds like me when I had to deal with the A and his family.  I actually over time learned to take time off for me.  I also stopped catering to the a's every single need.  I actually also stopped answering the phone.

For me today it is a strange day, the A's birthday and of course I am not celebrating it.  I did things for him for years.  Now I don't.

I know for me certainly any conference is a really hard slog and I have to actually not go to that many meetings and workshops because too many are too much for me.  Now if I got to a conference I really limit how much I go to. I think that's pretty hard but I've learned I go on overload after a while.

I also don't actually go to many conferences/workshops with anyone because of my codependency I end up taking care of them and not for me.

The A who I was with got a similar charge last year he hit and run.  He's still driving.  I dont know what happend with the trial. What I learned from it is that its always a "catastrophe" for them but the same catastrophe isn't allowed for me.  I took a step back from the hit and run and didn't get involved.  I am sure the A was suprized because I was always totally over involved in his life that was the beginning for me.

I know it is very very very hard to take care of ourselves but for me self care has become a necessity. I'm no longer here to take care of others 24/7.

Maresie.

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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You seem to be doing so well Alanon in your mind progress not perfection.

I think he is lucky to have you
I love my A but carn,t live with it anymore I have detached with love but admire your strength


hugs

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Senior Member

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Aloha - I see you striving very hard to work your program - despite all the roadblocks you encounter. Progress not perfection. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your story is not unlike everyone else's in this program. This disease is crazy-making. Yet we keep trying to neatly stack our blocks and make sense of our world. If only it worked that way, right?

And I saw and sympathized with your anger. Right there with ya on that. Don't beat yourself up over it. We're human. And we're trying to deal with chaos. It doesn't always come out pretty.

Thanks for a very honest post.

Peace,
R3

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Aloha)))

I'm with Carolinagirl!   Wow!!!smile

I think you did an outstanding job of working this program!

Nobody is perfect....you did some very wonderful things for you!!!  Not leaving dance...taking a nap, etc!!  And of course you might have felt uncomfortable doing it!  It is soooo "unnatural" for those of us affected by this disease to put ourselves first that it just triggers those feelings of guilt, etc.  in us!  And especially when those around us notice we are changing and point it out to us in a negative way.  We want to back peddle and "make nice!"

You did awesome!!!! 

Keep working it, it gets easier! 

Yours Still in Recovery,
David

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Laughter is the Beginning of Healing


~*Service Worker*~

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I see a couple of things here - I see you beating yourself up for not being supportive, even though you were being supportive - of yourself!  I see your A complaining about beng told what to do, while he is very comfortable telling YOU what to do. I see you giving yourself about half the respect and concern you give to him, and still feeling selfish.

You didn't drag him in handcuffs to the roundup, so it wasn't your job to make sure he had a good time. I suspect much of his unhappiness over the weekend was from having evidence presented, over and over, that there is another path, and that he is not on it.  It's so much easier to poke holes in AA, than to do the hard work of getting better, but his inner voice must be telling him things he'd rather not hear.

He's a big boy - if he really had wanted to go home, he could have taken a cab or bummed a ride with someone leaving the dance.  If he'd been needing to get home from a bar, you know he would have found a way.

You don't need to apologize to him for having a good time doing something you wanted to do, and in the process enjoying time with HIS family.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you, everyone, for your replies.

I am feeling like I've been being hard on myself. It's that perfectionist in me, and the thing about all of this is, is that I'm working this with another human being - not some inanimate object where if I do A then I know to always expect B. I can do A with my husband and sometimes G,H, and Z will all happen instead!

I think I'm frustrated in that whenever placed into confrontation with my AH, I feel like all my Al-Anon growth just spills out of my head and I'm left there going "duh, duh, duh, duh..."

Anyhow... thank you very much.

I've got a lot of years behind me of doing things like this... so it's not going to be all "better" in just a matter of months.

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Aloha)))

Isn't it wonderful that we can come here and replay it all?

I have been to the point of "surrender" that you so eloquently described many, many times. I also know what it is like to attempt to interpret even subtle actions as hope and answered prayers. Like you, I now can acknowledge that is what I am doing, but still can't help but wonder. Acknowledgement is the first step, right?

Unfortunately, those learning moments continue to unfold. Overall, you did great. I'm glad you shared.

Blessings,
Lou



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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace.
~ Ronald Reagan~

Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't
~Marguerite Bro~


~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha...Aloha!!

So is that why they call it a Bash? (LOL...I empathize but couldn't miss that
one.

I missed it all.  I was thinking about you and the rest of the family being there
(recovery family) but you know dang! it's a pricey weekend...all the way around
I guess.  I was thinking also of a member who called and told me she was going
(AA member) and that she was looking for other female members for support.
I got some numbers for her and I prayed that "she gets it" cause it doesn't
look like she's got too many more miles left.

So we stayed closer to home and did our thing which is pretty good as we
include program in our thing.  Sunday morning was a speaker (AA) meeting
also with the discussion topic of "The Journey".  

This is all a journey...the ups, the downs, the in-betweens.  They are all 
temporary and will pass the good stuff and the bad.   When it gets to pass
from good to better that's when conventions will be fun and continuous
growth.  The petty stuff (It's all petty stuff) will disappear and we can just
"Bask" in the sunshine of the spirit rather than bash in hot coals of hell.

Keep working your recovery and give yourself permission not to "react" to 
anyone else drama and trauma.  It's theirs...not yours you'll pick up on it
maybe     later     maybe     not.   Give him a sincere hug and make sure
you're not wearing velcro when you do cause he's gotta be able to leave
when you open your arms.

You got some good stuff out of the Bash...wonderful.  Celebrate that.

(((((hugs)))))  smile   

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