The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night the kids and I went to dinner at my husband's sister's home. His mom, brother and his wife were there too. It has gotten to the point now where only one of us is invited. My AH called to ask his sis a question while we were there and everyone hushed. Wierd.
I enjoyed myself, we had wonderful, fun conversation. I laughed a lot. I felt wanted and loved. Nothing about our situation came up. Since so many people were around, my mom-in-law did not barrage me with questions.
Stories were told, and everytime I heard my husband's name I'd feel a sad twinge, as if they were talking of a stranger. This has been MY familiy too for the past 18.5 yrs. I think the kids may keep us connected after our divorce, but I don't know. No expectations, right?
The family dinner was not unlike dozens of dinners we have shared over the years. I looked at his family of origin and the situation in general, and how functional and "normal" it was. My nephew recently went into the Marines and there were family photos shared. Professional photos of a mom and dad sharing thier pride and joy of their son. Ugghhh.. made me so sad, but I didn't let on. Can't understand how my AH could give that up. Why he wouldn't want to at least try to save his marriage and family unit.
At the same time, I realized how not "normal" our relationship was. Over the past few years, my AH wouldn't have really been there anyway. Normally, we would all be waiting for him because he would be "working". Always late. I'd make excuses for him. I'd get all embarrassed and obsessed, and continually phone him. He would come late, already buzzed, irritated that I am so controlling. He'd have dinner, but spend the time before and after either by himself in another room with the tv, or with the kids. He did not enjoy the adult company. I realize now that that really had nothing to do with me.
On the way home, I heard my son call his dad to ask a question. I heard him tell him where we'd been and that we had fun. Why do I think more about his feelings than the fact that maybe he might feel some sadness and recognize such an event is the consequence of his actions? Probably because I know the latter won't happen. In reality, he most likely either felt like a victim or just relief because he doesn't place the same value on such an event as I do.
Hard to admit, but I am realizing that social situations are much more enjoyable without him. Being the "fifth wheel" will only be an issue if I let it. If I let go of what I want and think should be, I can see the good. The denial I had was so very powerful and kept me going for so many years, and the transition from denial to reality is certainly a tough one. There is some peace in just accepting what is and making the best out of it.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:51, 2008-04-28
-- Edited by Loupiness at 23:47, 2008-04-28
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can really identify with this. I know the obsessive phone calls, went through all that. and now I don't, it is sad that they do not know what they have done. Ex-A lives with me at present and sometimes it dawns on him what he has lost but mostly not at all. I am part of a community, very involved in same and he just never makes any committments as drink is the winner every time. You are doing well, getting over that obsessive part is something I am carrying with me even going into new ventures so I need to take responsibilty for that part myself,
In my humble opinion ... "There is some peace is just accepting what is and making the best out of it. " ... is a very wise observation. Peace for me is not always joy... but it sure beats the chaos I surround myself with when I am not accepting.
Sounds like you are doing wonderfully and taking your life back. I am so very glad for you!
Thank you for sharing with us. I needed to hear that today.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 13:32, 2008-04-28
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I remember when that hit me - the reality that I was really alone all along. Either waiting for him to get up out of bed or when he did come just making everyone miserable. Thanks for reminding me. I needed a lot of those reminders in the beginning. Everything fades with time.
I wondered if your ex simply could care less. I have found they don't even think about us because their disease makes them selffish. And they certainly don't think about us as much as we think they do.
Keep coming, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
