The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading the thread "in all our affairs" by Lin plus replies from Jerry and others. This is really a thought provoking thread that has given me a lot to think about.
I was sensitive, loner, runner, fearful ....... I barely express myself, let alone express anger. I can help others but I don't help myself. I know how (perhaps?) but I don't just do it. Lessons I could learn from others who I let hurt me emotionally but I am too comfortable being a victim. In hindsight, the ones from my family of origin who took care of me, I didn't like what they did. So why do I want someone to show they care & take care of me? Time to grow up and take care of myself, accept others for who they are and stop being so dern afraid everytime I do something different that feels so uncomfortable.
I am just pouring my jumbled thoughts out - some things are easy to say and hard to do. I wish and want to be different but I am scared. I don't ask for help because I feel disapproval that I couldn't do it on my own. I am confused about independence and cooperation or dependence, my pendulum always swings wildly when I am figuring things out - so maybe I will get it then eventually. I have blown to and fro trying to stay approved and loved maybe. I am speaking more honestly to AH about myself, but unresponsive A's sure don't build any confidence. I have to do that myself for myself. I am uncomfortable doing that plus uncomfortable expressing myself honestly too -feels so vulnerable and fearful, less control. I get what it is but I don't like it.
I sleep in first reaction because of my tension and then I can't sleep when I should. This is so exhausting and I whine that I want it to be done so I can get on with a normal life...... except this is normal now and better than normal before. Gad, I am frightened because denial is easier and sometimes seems better, but I know deep down that is not true. It is just true that I can be crazy. I should stop as I make no sense to myself other than I know I am very very sad. ~~~~~~~~ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
As one who is prone to expressing "jumbled thoughts" let me say that sometimes when I have these thoughts and then am able to say to HP "I don't even know what I am trying to think here, please just clear my mind, for me to go on about my day and take some small steps toward productivity" then before the end of the day sometimes he will give me some direction hope or inspirtation that soothes the hurt and makes it easier to take next step.
I completely understood your jumbled thoughts We cannot change what we don't acknowledge. Good for you for putting your thoughts down on paper (computer paper that is ).
As I was reading your post, I looked over to your avatar and thought oh that's it; Just feel the hugs coming from the powers that be when your A is unavailable and know that you are loved.
love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Sometimes I feel as I as I am just a victim of myself. I know the changes that must be made, but there is something internal that just keeps me stuck and repeating the same destructive patterns over and over. Then I think, "I must get some payoff...", but no, I think it becomes all about me and being ready and willing to do what I need to do, and thus far, I don't want to cooperate with a lot of things.. It will take too much effort, be too uncomfortable and it's scary too, because ultimately it becomes an acknowledgement of where my life is, and it is not supposed to be that way!
Getting caught up in others acceptance... I do that too. I still want approval from my AH, but I have no respect for him, heck, I don't even like him, but I still want that.
Had a dream last night that I came home and there were two men in my house cleaning and throwing out my "stuff". They told me they were hired by the opposing side. At first (in my dream) I thought it was by my Ah's g/f, and then as it went on, I thought that perhaps it was my AH. To me, all that meant, is that I still want to keep the blame of the affair off him. Blech! Anyhow, turned out, these men and their "activities" actually turned out to be a blessing, I welcomed them, and they became my friends. They were the answer to a huge burden I have which is the organization/cleaning out that will be necessary for me to divorce. Hmmm... and I rarely dream, and if I do, don't often remember. That one is very clear to me and I am thinking may have other hidden messages too.
I am sorry you are sad. It takes time to make change, and acknowlegement is the first step. Keeping posting. We love you.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 12:28, 2008-04-27
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
It is good to be understood, related to and encouraged. I will try your ideas when I get so sad. I started reading folks 1st post here and could see how far they have come to give me hope. And I found the following info with a prayer that finally calmed me so I could sleep. I have moved past denial and see how blaming AH was not to my benefit, even dishonest and I guess I am moving through shame now - I could really relate to this reading.
I am life long, low grade depressive or dysthymic too. But as I fell asleep, with the knowledge I have now, I feel like HP will help me transform to being a positive and less depressive person. I will need to do all the little things life long like SP, slogans, but I too can transform. I need to forgive myself (HP forgave me long ago), let go & let HP. I really want to believe in my HP and believe in myself to change. Thanks for being here to hear me as I struggle. hugs, ddub
~~~~~~~ There are three common but unhelpful ways of dealing with our failures. First, there is denial. We tell ourselves that everybody has problems, so it doesn't really matter. Nothing of any value comes from this effort to cover-up.
A second unhelpful strategy is to blame others for what has happened. This can range from different versions of 'the-devil-made-me-do-it' to 'I'm just a product of my environment'. Nothing of any value comes from this effort to cover-up.
Thirdly, instead of turning the emotional energy outwards in blame we can turn it against ourselves as self-loathing. We see ourselves as monsters and what we have done as unforgivable. Nothing of value comes from this effort to atone for our own sins.
HP invites us to stop denying, blaming and catastrophisizing about our lives. In order to change and grow we need to face the reality of our actions and attitudes. We are invited to receive forgiveness. And we are invited to change.
The life-draining behaviors that we have pursued can be changed. We do not have to let denial, blame and shame lock us into destructive, hurtful patterns. ~~~~~~~~
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
((((((((((((ddub)))))))))))))))))O I so understand those sad sad days, and they come out of the blue and when one least expects them and one does not know why one is sad in particularly; it is enough for one's brain just to acknowledge that one is sad.
Jumbled thoughts need to be written [off] out in order to release the tension and often it is in doing that that the pressure eases. Hang in there ((((ddub)))), you are doing great, and when you are sad I will be cheering you on and hoping that some of the sunshine that I have will come your way too.
I find myself thinking of you and others in this family so often when I am under a dark cloud and I have to give everything to my HP and say that prayer...you know the one...God grant me the courage...
Often when I feel most alone, I find that I am not alone at all I just think I am. My thoughts often disguise my feelings unless I get my thoughts out...so hope you are beginning to feel surrounded by love and support and know that your sensitivity is what attracts other sensitive creatures.
You are worthy of expression and love although you may not always think that.
The victim you have been, and may even feel you still are, is something that gives you a compassionate understanding of others in similary situations and so even that is not negative. Work with it all, it is all a part of you and the whole of you is a wonderful creation, worthy of praise and love and friendship and support and understanding.
Your sister in recovery, Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 16:40, 2008-04-27
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Yea, this was a happy/sad day for me. I have read that in recovery it gets worse before it gets better. Mainly because we are coming out of denial. Isn't it neat to know that there are those who have been where you are and are there to support you on the way?
Are you ever going after it!! I'm trying to keep up too and after reading your post I thought, "I'll bet we could be good dance partners...after we decide who will lead!!" LOL. I've been on the original thread for what 2, 3 days now? You've been also and you pop up with also being dysthymic too!! That sucks if you let it only I've found out that I can choose not to be and then act as if I am choosing not to be and then with a bit more imagination I'm looking like the poster boy for recovery from dysthymia.
Truthfully tho this is what I realized this afternoon which was a part of a lot of my problems relating and living in relationships with myself and others. "I thought I had to measure up to the standards that they used for judging "normies". AHA not so Dear Watson!! I am not a Normie in very many ways. I tried to fit that mold and couldn't or wouldn't and then ran from the "Why can't you be...." or the "Why can't you do..." or "Why do you always..." The judgements came a mile a minute and I never had an answer to their whys!! If I new the answers maybe I could do something about it other than just face the measurement I could never measure up to.
I am to do something a certain way because that is how everyone else does it that way. If I do it different then I am (not it is) not normal, not acceptable, wrong, less than...pick one judgement or all or come up with a couple of the ones you got laid on you.
My imagination was not normal...It was weird...I am weird! I want to know alot of things...I ask too many questions...get away from me/us. Why do you do things that way? Why can't you get better grades, stupid (the question and the answer in the same statement.
There is no positive measuring stick for being "different". Being different means that normies have to spend time trying to see and understand different points of view and discriptions of the picture that they just looked at and saw the exact same thing as the other 100 people that looked at the picture and mentioned what they saw. "I see a rabbit driving a yellow Volkswagen" I say. "God you're weird" they respond, "That's an antenna on an old radio." "You need glasses" "You need help".
I wonder if the term "special needs" people came from the normies because those that didn't measure up were so much of a problem.
One of the things that I have learned how to do in order to level the playing field between my clients and myself is to explain up front that "I do things differently some of the time." I don't use "all of the time because some of the time is most truthful." I then ask the client to imagine how the outcome would be for them if they could get the results they desired when I was finished. They get to paint the picture of what they want not on how they get there. I get to determine my process. Most of the comments (I could take it as negative...most times I don't) that could be considered derogatory is that "He is slower than you expect." I know about expectations so I don't play with that statement. If I ask them "Have we arrived at the place you imagined before I started" hands down it's a yes. When they refer me to others some of them mention..."He takes more time but you'll get what you wanted from the start."
We have special needs and we have the fortitude and courage to go after our solutions. We are not normies except when you place us in a group of survivors.
I tried being normal and failed at it. I believe that God, my Higher Power, Akua `O ka lani, as I understand my Higher Power never wanted me to be a normie. I know that deeply today ...so I don't try to measure up to that standard.
You keep going after it. You're more than just a you. You're a miracle and that's more than just normal. That's blessed.
Jerry, I love this! You've given me lots of things to think about and in a positive way. I have actually called myself a weird bird because I see, do or think different than a group of normies. I have also always wanted to be different or unique, take the different route home every day or different path.... of life? hmmm but the judgements, the measuring sticks - aha, I get what you mean. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you are special too.....and that's more than normal, it is better and blessed.
hugs back, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.