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This is my first time posting. I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic.
I never grew up around alcohol, sure I saw my parents have the odd drink, but neither one was the type who came home and "had to unwind" by knocking a few back. That's why this is very difficult for me to figure out.
My husband has always drank since I've known him, infact we met in a bar. He drank no less than 6 beer a night, over the years that increased, and just before he walked out on me and our twins on February 1/08 he was up to easily 9-12 if not more a night.
See to me, an alcoholic is someone who gets up and starts their day with a drink, someone who can't hold a job, etc. He never drank as soon as he got up. He would on his days off start at about 3-4 in the afternoon and drink till 2 or 3 in the morning, he works in a pub as a kitchen manager, and after work would always stay for "a few" come home crack one open and sit and drink alone. I would have to call home everyday at 7:30am to make sure he was up and able to get the kids to school, since he has left I have come to find out that he would not get up, my twins who are 5 would dress, and get their own cereal, when he finally would get up they would be late for school.
I would find him passed out in a chair on have fallen onto the floor sometimes he would have a can of beer in his hand and it would be spilling out onto the carpet, near the end before he walked out on me he would have several open 1/2 drank cans laying around.
After he left I found cans hidden in garbage bags in the backyard, and cans hidden in a garbage can.
He walked out on me for a coworker and her kid, from what I hear she drinks too. Imagine how I feel loosing my husband to a drinker.
He says he is much happier but I don't know, according to the kids the drinking hasn't stopped, there are empties outside of his new place, I really wonder how long a relationship can last when you work together, live together, sleep together and your only common interest is alcohol.
In the month of December he spent $295.00 on beer, from our joint bank account.
So my quesiton is- My husband is he what is referred to as a functioning alcoholic? and if so will he ever hit rock bottom?
My stepson works for my husband, and last Saturday night my husband was supposed to drive his son home from work. Husband was finnished work about 40 minutes before his son. When his son was done, my husbnad was too drunk to drive him home, in a matter of 40 minutes he got that drunk?
I've seen him down 6 beer in the space of 40 minutes no problem.
Hi, I could only share my ESH with you(Experence Strength and Hope)' My husband has bin sober now for 24 years.But back in the day of his acctive drinking,he too worked and provided for the family.I called it funtional drinker.Bottoms come in different area's for many people.His bottom will be his own experence,with others that could relate to him.Once he is willing.He has a opertunity to find his program. Suggestion for you.. I would like to first Welcome you.It took great courage for you to share here. Find Alanon for you.Alanon taught me so manythings.Going thru the experences .I became stronger sharing at my meetings.Listening and learning how others applied this great program before me.I learned to love me.That was a biggy.Also live and let live.Today I have 3 acctive adult children and I am grateful Alanon leads a new path for me as it did many years ago.Different situations.Same program.We do have meetings here at MIP if you do not already know.Also finding one near you ...is a gift for self ..to find self.For it is your life. Love angel/Sharon There is always Hope I believe
Only your husband truly gets to be the one who really decides if he's an alcoholic or not.
But you're in the right place. If you have a problem with someone's drinking, regardless if the person's a true alcoholic or not, you're in the right place.
My AH refuses to call himself an alcoholic. He says he just has an "addiction".
Tomato, tomahto... whatever.
He doesn't start his day off with a beer, he rarely ever becomes some kind of obnoxious, uncontrollable or abusive lout when he's drinking. He just tosses back three or four beers over the course of an evening and passes out on the couch at night.
Of course, he did try to kill himself back in January... after I caught him text messaging and emailing other men discussing hooking up for sex. Took off, tried to give himself carbon monoxide poisoning in the car while downing a six pack after having not ate for a couple days. Suicide attempt failed so he decided to drive home - intoxicated and screwed up from the carbon monoxide fumes... got into an accident.
He doesn't see that as "unmanageable". Drinking didn't cause it - "poor choices did".
He can tell himself all the baloney stories he wants, still doesn't change my perception of him in that he has some serious SERIOUS issues he needs to be addressing.
I kept trying to force change in him, though, after the accident. Tried to get him to recognize his drinking problems and his sexual identity crisis. Made us miserable.
It was only through Al-Anon meetings that I've finally started to achieve serenity to a point where I've stopped trying to "fix" him. Stopped trying to get him to understand I'm not his enemy despite his sexual identity issues (he was pretty convinced I was going to rat him out to his peers and family - couldn't be further from the truth. I was hurt that I'd been lied to, yes - but I recognized he's got a lot of hurt going on there and all I wanted to do was protect him, not ostracize him.)
Anyhow - so, I'm still with my AH, after ALL that crap he did back in January. After the DUI, after discovering he's bisexual... after his denying he has any problem with either alcohol or his sexual identity.
The only thing that's making this possible for me is the Al-Anon program. It's helping me to maintain some compassion for my AH, but not at the level where I personalize it all and take it on and try to "fix" him. I'm letting him stumble and fall on his own, and in the meantime, I'm living my life, and for the most part, I'm actually a pretty happy, serene person the majority of the time.
Had I not found Al-Anon, I'm sure AH and I would have gone through a pretty emotionally scarring and heart-shattering divorce. I probably would have shaved a good 10 years off my life with the stress I'd have felt going through that.
I'm not telling you "stick with your husband". Nor am I telling you "get a divorce" - Al-Anon is not about advising on those sort of decisions. I'm just sharing my ESH (experience, strength and hope) so that I hope you can learn to be happy with yourself no matter what course your husband takes in his life and what path you choose for yourself.
Unfortunately my husband walked out on me and our kids for another woman and her kid, so sticking with him is not an option LOL.
I would go to Al Anon, but as I told my counsellor, he is now out of the house by his choice, so why should I go if he does not want to help himself? If were even now after walking out on me and the kids admit he has a problem needs help and made serious effort to get that help I would go to Al anon.
Hi We are not supposed to give advise, just share our own experiences with you, you can take what you wish and leave the rest.
I the same as you thought an Alcoholic drank from first thing in the morning and shook without a drink. However my AB is a binge drinker he can go days without drinking but once he starts he carn't stop. Also he does really silly stuff when drinking such as drink drive, not go to work and loose his job, he has even had a one night stand behind my back. Therefore he does have a problem with alcohol because the problems it causes him any saine person would never drink again. He promises he will stop but never does always dissapointing me.
They say that alocoholism is a disease and it is not personal this is hard to understand but as I said before would you really choose to live your life that way. If they are hiding the evidence of their drinking that sends a big message they must think they are doing something wrong. Not taking responsibility is another give away my partner is like a child in lots of ways.
I have been going to Alanon for 6 months it is the best thing that has happened to me. For the first time I am concentrating on me, loving me. The first step tells us we can control no one but ourselves. I have tried to understand my AB, I have tried to change him but I carn't. I have finally decided to leave him andd concentrate on me my life and my children.
He does not want the same things from life that I do I do not hate him I feel sorry for him, but his life is his and mine is mine and I want to be happy.
I hope that my share has helped, keep coming back it helps you so much
Al anon is not for him its for you and your kids its all about you Give it a go I felt like my world was ending I carn't explain it it is something you have to see for yourself
"Hi We are not supposed to give advise, just share our own experiences with you, you can take what you wish and leave the rest."
I realize that, I just am having a hard time believing he is an alcoholic, shouldn't be that difficult, its all there infront of me.
You mention not taking responsibility, that is a HUGE one, my H was worse than my 5 year olds. He even asked if he could send me the child support money for his first wife and I pay her NOPE this is your responsibility not mine.
I would go to Al Anon, but as I told my counsellor, he is now out of the house by his choice, so why should I go if he does not want to help himself? If were even now after walking out on me and the kids admit he has a problem needs help and made serious effort to get that help I would go to Al anon. I had the exact same attitude after I walked away from my alcoholic/addict husband.
What I didn't realize was the profound affect that being married to an alcoholic/addict would have on my future life despite the fact he was no longer in the picture.
Until I was able to start looking at myself, and understanding why I gravitated towards unhealthy men, I repeated the same pattern over and over. Granted, it was more 'subtle' in that none were outright drinkers/druggers, at best they were emotionally unavailable and at worst emotionally abusive and controlling.
My children were also affected by my refusal to deal with my codependency issues.
Alanon is for you, to help you heal from the affects of alcoholism in your life.
I strongly encourage you to find healing for yourself, and your children will benefit as well.
Also, I always thought an alcoholic was a skid row bum who drank constantly.
I've been on both sides of the fence, both as a member of Alanon, and a member of AA.
I was a binge drinker, and I can assure you I am an alcoholic, albeit in recovery now. Alcoholism had nothing to do with the amount/frequency/type of alcohol, etc etc etc. The problem was right between my ears. The drinking was only a symptom of the true problem.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I too had a difficult time believing my AH was an alcoholic. Met him in a bar, been marriad 20+ years and in the last year, I finally realized & accepted he was an alcoholic. Teenagers tend to have an attitude and get depressed or angry. Well, two of my teens had a lot of mental health issues and in the years of their recovery they both determined separatly that their dad was an alcoholic, a very, very functional alcoholic. They tried to help me see this for a few years and as his tolerance increased to passing out every night, some black outs and lots of things he doesn't remember, I started to attend al anon. I was angry I had to go because of him........ wrong. I learned he definatly was an alcoholic and I learned al anon was the best thing I did for me. I have a hard time believing my AH can keep his job but his days of high stress work and his nights of unwinding with loads of vodka explains some of the craziness and chaos in our family and our home.
I echo Aloha, give the f2f al anon meeting a try - it's been a life saver for me. in support, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Denial is a huge part of the disease. It's amazing what they say and actually believe. I think most of the denial is from trying to convince themselves, moreso then us. It certainly can drive one nuts though!! My husband used to call a half pint of vodka a "cocktail". He would never say he was going to the bar to drink. It was always that he was going to "stop in and see the boys". My favorite was "I'm fine" then BAM!! He would walk in to a wall or start walking sideways. My guess is your husband's leaving wasn't really about the other woman but more his drive to drink. "If" they hit bottom it is far too often that it isn't until all is lost and they can't get much lower. They say there is 3 ways out, (1) recovery, (2) insanity) (3) death. Not a pretty picture but it's true. The insanity of it all is why Alanon exists. No matter what, you will be dealing with him in the future. Alanon can help you do what's best for you instead of reacting to the chaos. I'm glad you decided to attend.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 19:26, 2008-04-25
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism. I come from a family history of active drinking that existed two generations before I was even born. No one in my immediate biological family drank but all the behaviors were there- so the presence of alcohol is not necessary for one to behave like an alcoholic. You say you have no family background of alcoholism- how about a grandfather or even a great grandfather? I had a famous great grandfather who was an alcoholic and a gangster. He raised a family that went out into the world and the disease of alcoholism went with them- they were tee-totallers. never touched the stuff. But nonetheless they were affected profoundly by being raised in an alcoholic home. They had kids, the pattern continues with or without the presence of alcohol. My mother never touched a drop of alcohol in her life but when I talk to her on the phone she sounds drunk, acts like a drunk, is highly irresponsible, immature, manipulative, etc. etc. the list goes on and on. I love my mom and have come to accept her for who she is. I know she did the best she could do to raise my sister and I. But she is a classic alcoholic- minus the actual drinking.
Learn as much as you can about the disease. Attend 6 meetings. Listen. Hugs, J.
Welcome! You are in a safe place to discuss, think, be right or be wrong! To learn and grow!
Yep, my A bfriend works, doesn't hang out at bars or do wild things. He downs about 8-12 every night and the numbers are growing now that I'm in alanon (go figure).
On his days off he seems to "watch the clock" until time to start drinkiing, his life revolves around it!
Yep you can hold a job and be a good person and be a A....
Hello Double Mommy, I started writing to you three times last night (Friday) for over an hour, and each time I would start over. The reason was that I wanted so bad to convience you to try Al-Anon. I could tell by your post that you are a very strong Lady, and that you knew you could probably handle this problem by yourself, or that your problem was over because your husband had move out. I went to bed around 1:00 AM and I asked my HP to be with you and guide you. This morning (Saturday) when I got to my business, the 1st thing I did was check the web site out, and read your latest post that you are going to "give it a go". That made me so proud of you, and I don't even know you, but I feel like I do. I just wanted some how for you to (as we say it Al-Anon) "TO GET IT". I also did not realize that my wife of 16 years was an alcoholic. Of course I knew she drank every day, and over the years I realized she took beer to to the bank where she had been an officer for years. I knew she drank one beer at lunch, no big deal. No problems YET. Over the next several years her drinking continued to increase. BUT No problems Yet. She left the bank job , she said because she was tired of it. She went to work for a good friend of mine, more money, great, No Problems YET. The drinking continued to increase to 12 or so beers a day, that I was aware of. Then my good friend came to my business on day, and told me my A who he thought the world of was drinking a work everyday, and even though he had talker to her about it several times, it had not helped, he said was sorry but he had just let her go. That is when I knew , or admitted to myself, yes she was an alcoholic. I looked back and thought of all the "YETS". I thought of all the times in the last several years I found beer cans hidden through out the house, even though she drank in front of me each night. I thought of all the times I ckecked the garbage cans in the house , checked behind the seat in the car to see how many she drank while driving that day. I always did this afrer she went to sleep. What possible good did that do? Nothing. All the "YETS" had finally stared me in the face. I had no idea how much alcohol was controlling my life until then. It finally hit me. My wife was an A and it was controlling her life 100% of the time. My wife now goes to AA, 8 to 10 meetings a week,yet still drinks at least 12 beers each day. She has a sponser and I know she tries hard , I know she hates the control alcohol has over her , because she has cried and told me many times. I have been going to Al-Anon twice a week for a year and a half. I can not tell you how much it has helped me, and I hope being there I have been able to help others . Go to Al-Anon, I promise you It will make life better for you and your twins. Everyone who has posted above feels the same as I do, because we know what it has done for us. We will always be here for you. God Bless. Rodney
I came into Al-Anon with a preconceived notion that alcoholism was a sin not a disease. She, my alcoholic wife, was a bad person and was trying to hurt me and was drinking because I wasn't good enough and doing all the stuff that comes with drinking and being drunk. She was a binge drinker with the times of not drinking beingused to heal from wreckage while being drunk. I came from alcoholism. She came from alcoholism. My first wife was an addict. My second partner was adrunk. My second wife is an alcoholic, (maybe still in recovery). My relationships are usually with addicted people. That is what I know best because that is where I come from. I know that more than I know anything else with probably the exception of this program. When I got into Al-Anon I said some of the same things you said and I thought some of those rationals too. The truth was for me that I really didn't know and I didn't know that I didn't know. What it took for me was a suggestion to the "promises of the program" that you will hear at the end of your first face to face meeting. It is found in the closing statement and reads..."If you keep and o p e n mind you will find help." That was my first miracle...admitting to myself that I had no idea about alcoholism or what I was talking about when I tried to determined if it was or wasn't alcoholism but if I could just "KEEP AN OPEN MIND".
Course I had to deal with the fact that I was also a skeptic and the program had a suggestion for me on that also with "Keep coming back". The people here and in face to face meetings are real. The experiences they speak about are really theirs. If you look for similarities rather than differences you will gain so much awareness and help from listening to their stories and solutions. The solutions are what we strive to attain and maintain. Your alcoholic isn't the only one out there but he was the only one necessary for your to reach out for help. People who reach out for help I have found just don't want a little information. Alcoholism tears lives up like New Years confetti and it leave them strewn all over the place.
You've come to the right place. Even the title of this site is revealing. Often times it takes miracles to help us straighten out of lives, minds, spirits emotions and behaviors.
There's lots to learn. Listen. What works needs to be practice. Practice. When it works for you give it away to some other person who comes to the door looking for help and watch the miracle happen all over again.
