The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH's brother is in AA - sober 4 years, AH's brother's friend is another AA member (not sure how long sober), and AH's mom, while not in Al-Anon, certainly is concerned about AH's drinking.
Brother-in-law (BIL) isn't riding AH, but AH is acting like a long-tailed-cat in a room full of rocking chairs regardless.
I don't know why I didn't realize he'd be extremely irritable and snappy with me... but BINGO, he his. Taking his frustration out on everyone, but I definitely feel it, too. He is testing, testing, testing my limits with his irritability.
Just praying to my HP to help me out.
I need all the help I can get this week. I'm trying really REALLY hard not to fall into his argument traps he's throwing at me at every turn.
Jeez, what a TEST. I thought having his family out here might relieve things a bit, but right now it's just compounding things instead.
LOVE his family, though - they're all so great and loving. Glad to know I have their support.
continue to avoid argumements like the plague. Its more like he'd being tested than you. I can see alcoholisms denial having a rough time in that environment.
Well done Aloha! I had my nephew's family and sis from out of state over once. My AH was so pleasant and responsive to them it amazed me BUT then he was worse to me. It's like everything from everyone that made him uncomfortable came out at me. It was not fun and got worse for me as the night progressed.
I'm glad you are focusing on the pleasure of having the family visitors and avoiding being drawn in to the arguments. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way today.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Detachment is such an art. Read Eickhart Tolle and get into the stillness. I am working on that and working on myself. What are your goals? Besides him of course, how we codependents make him the goal!!!!!
Focus focus, focus, focus and try really hard not to even think of him.
There are days that go by now when I don't even think of the A. My sole focus in life used to be the A, how I was angry at him, how I wished him to be other. These days admittedly I am very stressed with illness, financial worries but "he" is no longer on my mind. My future is on my mind, my life is on my mind. He is no longer my entire life. That is a steep learning curve but it is possible. Every day I detach better in every single way.
I am with Tug here, I see you A being challenged and of course that is going to make him edgy. Loved your descriptive long-tailled cat picture! He he, I do hope he manages to keep his tail out of the way of those rockers. In the meantime, take as much of the support you can to your heart and use it has a shield against his snipes.
Sending prayers to hold you safe this week. They are travelling as fast as possible across cyberspace to be with you from me.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Had a great talk with my sponsor this morning. I can definitely see his feeling defensive around so many people whom he knows deep down would love to see him get sober. None of us except for his mom, though, are really making any pushes at him about getting to meetings, etc.
He actually went to an AA meeting with his brother and friend the first night they got here, and that really had me scratching my head, thinking "huh???" because he has been very clear to me how he feels about AA meetings (thinks they're all just a bunch of whiners just sitting in a circle complaining about their lives instead of "doing something about it!").
Of course, when they got home from the meeting, his mom immediately asks him, "So, did you learn anything?" (and it wasn't in a caring kind of question, it was like - "you idiot, are you opening your mind or not?"). I did a mental forehead-slap when I heard the question come out of her mouth, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Of course, AH's "Nope." was in the same tone back to his mom.
I did give his mom a beginner's packet from my Monday night Al-anon meeting, though. I was talking with her for a bit while they were gone to their AA meeting, and she made mention that she thinks she'd like to try harder to get to some Al-Anon meetings.
Anyhow, yesterday, though, I asked AH "Why are you going to AA meetings?" and it really was just out of curiosity - I had no hidden agenda at all in that question. I just didn't understand it. He never really did give me a clear answer other than "I just want to spend some time with my brother." I honestly think it's because he's trying to keep up appearances, but who's he fooling when he goes to the meeting with a closed mind? To me, closed minds can be pretty obvious on the outside.
I'm not going to put any hope into his maybe hearing something that means something to him as he tags along after his brother to the meetings. There's a big AA/Al-Anon convention going on out here this weekend called The Big Island Bash, and we're all signed up to attend - AH included! (I didn't sign him up!) He just said he was going to go with us. Again, was a bit flabbergasted, but I guess he feels that's the only way he's going to get to spend some time with his brother while he's out visiting. And I guess there's supposed to be some sort of workshops there, so maybe something will "click" in that environment... but again... not really pinning any hopes on it.
I'm mentally preparing myself that what could happen after they've left is that he's going to relapse BIG TIME. And the preparation I'm making is just keeping it in the forefront of my mind that a lot more testing will be going on and I need to keep working the steps and keeping that conscious connection with my HP.
AH has definitely been picking fights, though. Or TRYING to - and I've been working really hard at not joining in. One thing I need to work on is "acknowledgment statements".
Currently, tension has been happening thus:
1. AH decides to take offense at something I've done or said or how I chose to breathe, etc. 2. AH snaps at me or says something subtly sarcastic, rude or humiliating to me. 3. I fight my knee-jerk reaction of fighting back and just keep telling myself "let it go, let it go, let it go" in my head and just try to be pleasant. 4. AH then tells me "stop being grumpy with me!" 5. I still try to maintain my calm and tell him "I'm not grumpy. I'm fine."
What I think I need to try is THIS, instead:
1. AH decides to take offense at something I've done or said or how I chose to breathe, etc. 2. AH snaps at me or says something subtly sarcastic, rude or humiliating to me. 3. I fight my knee-jerk reaction of fighting back and instead, tell him something like "Hmm, you may be right." (or some other acknowledgment statement that fits correctly with what he's saying).
I think I'm still "arguing" even when I'm telling him "I'm not grumpy". "I'm not" statements aren't helping matters.
Which is just SOOOOO hard. I keep wanting to defend myself - but jeez, there's nothing to be defending myself against, really! My sponsor told me "once you fight back, you make it real".
So, this is going to take some extra humbling on my part. I'm a prideful person myself, and don't like agreeing with people that what they think about me is the "truth" just for the sake of killing an argument.
But my AH's truth is not MY truth. There's no point arguing with an alcoholic - and ultimately, my goal is to not make other people's negative perceptions of me be how I define me. If I do it with honesty, and a sincere desire to not care what others think of me because I'M the one who defines who I am, then I shouldn't ever feel the need to engage in disagreeing with my AH whether what he thinks of me is right or not.
I. Don't. Care. Because I know MY truth.
(PS mariese - I am reading Eckhart Tolle's book - it's fantastic!)
Whew.
Right now, that I realized all of that, I still feel torn between either turning into a snappy horrible person and taking my own frustration out on innocent others, or I want to run outside and skip around screaming like a maniac.
Don't know what to do with myself!
Tonight is a hot yoga class - I think I'm definitely going to go there - will be a great stress-reliever. I definitely don't want to get mean to other people around me, but I see it building in me right now. Maybe I'll go someplace quiet for a minute and do a brief centering/meditation exercise to pull myself together.
Ya know, when I hit puberty, I was pretty obstinate. If my mother said "well, it's a nice day" I'd say "No it's not" If she said " you should tie your shoes so you don't trip again" I'd say "I won't trip again" But as soon as she wasn't looking, I'd tie them because I knew she was right. If she told me to just give something a try I might like it I would not try it or even try it and then complain how much I HATED what I tried (even if I secretly liked it). It was just HER suggesting things that made me want to never take her sugestions.
Maybe your AH is going along to the meetings because he secretly wants what his brother has found but he is too scared to let on to anyone that he is actually having a change of heart. I didn't want the other person to be right when it came to defining me and what I needed. Here his whole family, everyone he loves is doing this one thing (recovery) and he is feeling left out a bit because of his own ideas. But yet if he omes out and says "I want recovery too!!" he loses his identity in so many ways. It's gotta be hard. Surrender almost killed me but once I got it, life began to flow again.
I think you are doing a bang up job of dealing with the stresses. Even "normal" families are stressful. You rock girl!
Thank you for that "twist" on the situation as I've been seeing it, seren. Perhaps he really does want it, but his pride keeps him from wanting to admit that maybe his current method isn't working.
I went through that EXACT same feeling after I posted the last message in this thread.
I was completely distraught over thinking about just completely giving in and allowing my AH to criticize me and tell me I'm wrong even when I know I'm not, but to actually tell him he might be right... Ooooh lord, that threw me for a loop. I was so confounded by the thought of it, I felt like I was going a hundred different directions at once.
I went to a quiet place, though, and sat down and started to meditate, and the next thing I knew, I was CRYING because this was yet another aspect that I wanted to control and had to let go of in order for me to move on and grow.
I told my HP after much crying "I surrender. If you need me to be humble, then I will be humble. You know what to do. I trust you."
It was very tough sitting there thinking it through. I kept thinking back to being a kid in elementary and junior high school when I was teased mercilessly by other kids and I never stood up for myself. I've been standing up for myself now, though, and it seems that's not quite the right answer there, either. Doesn't make me a door-mat, either, but jeez, I was just blown away thinking how really REALLY confident I need to be in myself in order to be able to just give in to someone who's telling me these false things about me.
Don't know if that makes much sense...
But thank you so much, seren. Once again, this helps me to look at my AH in another light and not be so judgmental of him. After all, his opinion of me isn't MY truth, and it should be the other way around, too - my opinion of him isn't necessarily HIS truth, either.
I didn't want the other person to be right when it came to defining me and what I needed.
Wow Seren - that one hit me dead on. I am EXACTLY that way - and I'm being shown that more and more. A real character defect. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard a lot - and about a week ago, I was running a little late going. My son looked at me and said, "Aren't you going to work out?" That was all it took. "Nope. I'm not going tonight." And I didn't go. All because someone insinuated (in my mind) that I "should" go. Yes, it's very junior high. But it also helps me better understand the A. How it must feel when people are checking up on him and telling him what he should do. I conciously try these days to "live and let live". I try to stay out of other people's stuff. I still have my boundaries - but I'm getting out of the "control" business. I'm realizing that it just doesn't work. I KNOW it doesn't work when people try to do it to me - so I figure it won't work when I try to do it to other people.
" But as soon as she wasn't looking, I'd tie them because I knew she was right. If she told me to just give something a try I might like it I would not try it or even try it and then complain how much I HATED what I tried (even if I secretly liked it). It was just HER suggesting things that made me want to never take her sugestions.