The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past has a habit of jumping up at me from time to time and taking a nip at my heel and that famous 'what if' and his friend 'if only' snap at me. What if often shows his face when I am reading others in the family who are working their programme whilst they are still in their marriage/partnership and are successfully making it work with the family still together rather than having to separate into satelite groups. If only is the after thought when I realise the tools I have now after the event of the disolution of my marriage and twenty years down the line only just discovering these tools and this family last year. As a result I find myself caught out sometimes feeling that I should not be here as I am no longer living with my A, and yet my rational brain says that that feeling is rubbish and it is better late than never. When this happens then I find myself telling myself that God brought me to this family, to this programme, equipping me with a Sponsor to work through the gaping wounds that have been cleaned and dressed but not healed down the years. I cannot change the past, I cannot alter the course my life took and yet my irrationality whispers, "This is shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.", and I do not know how to answer my irrationality - that is if it is irrational to question my present situation in this way. One thing I do know is that those wounds will not heal properly if I do not go through the metaphorical process of rehabilitation in the same way that one has to go to the physiotherapist to learn to walk again when one has broken a leg; perhaps that is how I should be viewing this right now. My legs have been in plaster, the plaster has been removed and it has taken me this long to get to the physio to start to learn to walk again.
Help! Have I just talked myself back into this programme and this family and kicked that self doubt into touch? Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
You are a poet. I hear you especially about closing the gate after the horse has bolted. I wonder myself because my horse bolted and my family is fragmented and I have felt why bother because it is too late. But the disease molds us and stays with us after the A's have gone on to what they think of as greener pastures (pun intended). So for myself if it wasn't right with my A then I want to be right with my HP the rest of my life. Doing the 4th step and being aware of my defects of character so I can the real me. Yes, this program is for us.
Regardless of the fact that the horse has also bolted for me too, I have been forever changed, and am in need of the tools to keep me sane and serene!
This program has helped me in so many ways that I don't think I could even count them all.
Not only was I the first in my family to break a long line of alcoholism on both sides, but now I deal with the aftermath of the still not-so-well family members who are used to dealing with an active A.
I can only reap positives from continuing to work this program on a daily basis in my life.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
This program is for anyone who has been affected by the problem of alcoholism in a friend or family member. Now really ladies, how much convincing is needed? I feel like questioning your being here is again questioning your own self worth. The A is only your qualifier, not the guage of your worth.
I love you both and am very glad you are here. Please do not ever doubt that you belong and are welcome and valued here.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
We are all here because our lives have been affected by A'ism. You have truly answered your own question. Your wounds run deep and are in need of healing. This is true in my own case as well.
I have been truly blessed by your contributions to this group. You have given your ESH to me at times when it was really needed. Thank you for being here.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Ahhhh Nancy, I am so glad you are here. I find it really difficult some days when these nips peck at my heels and you give me courage to continue here when I know you understand where I am coming from.
I am both sorry for you and me, who have lost so much as I am for you dear Tenderheartsks. You TH always amaze me for I was not the one with the drink problem, and the way you have tackled your drink problem and come through is magnificent.
Jen, yeah I know, it is that old shadow DOUBT that pops up too; sometimes it takes a great effort to light up that DOUBT and dismiss it. However, I would not be being honest if I did not own up to still doing battle with DOUBT from time to time.
Cookie, thank you I know I have been there for you as you have said in the past too, and you have been there for me too and that is when I realise that I must keep battling and winning against DOUBT.
Blessings to all. Sues
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
While it is true that my horse only bolted 3 and a half years ago, I know what you mean. I have been asked why I still keep going to al-anon by others too. I haven't found it necessary to ask myself that question yet...I know why I keep coming back.
For the serenity. For the fellowship. For the chance to give back, what was so freely given to me. For the opportunity to continue to grow into the spiritual being I am.
And because I feel at home in the rooms of Al-anon. I feel a calm and peace that surpasses my wildest imaginations that I experience no where else. A world filled with an endless supply of unconditional love, freely given to any and all who venture into this special community.
I am so blessed to have been given this gift of Al-anon, and its not a gift I ever plan to take back to the store to exchange. I am grateful to the person who suggested I go to a meeting. I am grateful that my God listened when I pleaded through tearful eyes that I didn't want to live the way I was any more and that He made me willing to listen and not dismiss the thought of going to al-anon.
Keep coming back Suzannah, we need you, I need you.
Our f2f celebrated an anniversary recently and the speaker was a 20 yr old. It was amazing to see someone that young have so much wisdom and al anon tools to use for her future. Then, of course, I too went to the what if's because being more than twice her age - what a waste and if only I had known then what I am learning now. My sponsor reminded me that it will still be better to at least start from where I am today then not at all.
I think all of us have self doubts of the decisions and paths we have taken but as long as we are holding HP's hand and doing the best we can now, we must trust that the future is bright and full of hope for each of us even if we can't imagine how. You know, Suzannah, I am full of hope right now because I started my morning reading such hopeful encouragement to my recent post...... from you and Cookie. So back at cha girl! I hear ya, I get it and it is easy to question ourselves but taking turns encouraging each other with hopeful thoughts, we will just keep feeling better about ourselves and the path we follow. It's me waving back to you friend. You are making great progress and you are part of this forever family. We all are - isn't that grand! I've come a long way from being angry in the beginning that I had to attend al anon - now I feel blessed.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
There is a reason I have always felt the things I feel about myself and my relationships- there is a common thread in all. The difference is that Alanon helped me see there were others who shared similar (not the same) traits that were great strong people.
This is something about me that has always been, that no counselor, church leader etc. has been able to identify wtih or help me with. I feel like for the first time in my life I have a tool to help me be all I really already am. Thank you HP!!
Feeling like I don't belong or am doing the wrong thing or don't deserve good that others have is one of my biggies.
I do know my past is unalterable. That includes my disastorous relationship with the a. I have to work on the future and part of that is keeping my side of the street clean.
I absolutely do not think "what if" about my relationship with the A. I tried all that research, tried and tried and tried some more. I tooled, went to therapy, tried, helped, researched, tried and then tried some more. There was no more trying left in me.
My biggest 'what if'' is what if I had stayed with Alanon 18 years ago...how might my marriage have improved?....Or,might I have left sooner and by now be established in a new life surrounded by loving people...maybe even remarried? I actually had my own apartment in 1995 but was so codependent and enmeshed with my AH all I wanted was to go back to him....and I did. Since he has been sober he has been nuts and it made me nuts...the relationship was doomed.If I had worked the steps back then and went to meetings,etc,I know I would have handled things much better.Maybe even have helped him with his recovery......ok,maybe not. I can tell you this,THIS time even though his rejection was just as painful as the last one,I HAVE stayed with Alanon and I AM MUCH happier now.I have learned so much about myself and life and people and I am ready now to face the world on my own.Alanon,MIP,is the only thing different. I will never know how things might have been different.I guess even 'earth people' ask themselves these questions,have regrets.It's part of life. I am just grateful that I have stayed with Alanon this time,mostly because of people here at MIP who were there when I reached out and wanted to quit again. Let it go,Suzannah.You can't change it and you have much to be grateful for now.Your life is only going to get better if you stay with Alanon.We will always need it as long as we are alive because even if we have no A's in our lives we still have ourselves every day to deal with.A self who was wounded by the disease and will take time to heal.There's no cure for us,but with time and progress in the program,we get better and better and stronger and stronger.
I haven't read the other replies, but I wanted to respond.
I am not married to or living with an A. I am not even dealing with any A's. I am here strictly for me. I have been affected. I need to figure out how to live a better life than the one I was taught how to live.
I had this progeam while I was married and today I still have this program but I am no longer married. So, this program did not save my marriage but it did save me. If you had this program 20 years ago, you just might have been divorced sooner rather than later. One never knows....
We get this program when we are ready for it, not before. Does it matter if you're 20 or 70? This program helps you with you and no matter what age you are, you still have to live with YOU! So, IMO, it's always worth it....YOU'RE worth it!!!
God brought you here not just to heal you but also for you to help ME heal. And everyone else here. Your ESH is priceless. You have been where I have been and your understanding, your perspective is so very helpful to me and my recovery.
I wonder if once the wound heals, the scar is still there not only to remind us but so that we can point to it and tell the story to others whose wound might be in the process of healing.
As the old song said "...don't you cry for me." It's gone it's okay to let it stay gone. Could the old HB be trying to sneak back into your recovery?
When I was doing the "What ifing" stage of early recovery my wise sponsor told me, "Jerry if you want to stay balanced, if you're gonna "what if" you just have to "what if not" during the same time. I haven't what ifed for years since then.
Another thing that really helps was the subject of my home meeting this evening...Acceptance. You got the books; read the pages on Acceptance.
I hear ya, I get it and it is easy to question ourselves but taking turns encouraging each other with hopeful thoughts, we will just keep feeling better about ourselves and the path we follow. It's me waving back to you friend. You are making great progress and you are part of this forever family. We all are - isn't that grand! I've come a long way from being angry in the beginning that I had to attend al anon - now I feel blessed. 
