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I love being able to post here with revelations and questions. thank you all.
I have been working on step 4 and felt comfortable about integrity/honesty and realized my self worth was about a zero. Spent some time on resentments and then doors started opening in my face. It's sort of like a hallway with door after door and you can't open the 2nd and 3rd door until you go through door 1 first.... if that makes any sense.
All of a sudden I thought of honesty in a different light and how dishonest my remarks are because I didn't express my wants or feelings - learned this as a child, say what others want to hear etc. Not even honest with myself about facing feelings of being a surprise baby, unwanted and in the way at times - so very needy - don't like that feeling but now I know learning to love myself and hp's love will fill that hole in me.
Next door opened about trying too hard or only one working on marriage relationship and to just let that be too. It is what it is or will be - there are many levels of denial that I am just beginning to see now. If I stop doing it all, maybe others will invest in doing part of it or maybe they won't. By then, I can accept that or leave for something else. Things are making a little bit more sense.
One thing that has me still spinning though is my reactions to what might happen - one day at a time, I know. But now that I see that I didn't speak up or express my needs/wants, I have less tolerance of following the rules I had accepted earlier. I need to get rid of some rules given to me and until I deal with it, it makes me anxious or angry. Also see how self centered others can be but I no longer feel that compliance with others wishes will make me more accepted or loved. This is quite a web we weave and untangling the knot will take time.
I can't quite see how it is possible to get past the anxiety that difficult or ok things can happen dependent on whether alcohol is also present or not. I at least am aware I am always at the ready for the worse to happen which is a very unpleasant and tense way to live. Aware, acceptance of what I am doing and action to learn. Phew, one day at a time. I have seen a lot of things revealed at quite a quick speed so think I'll try to relax now.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I deal with all the time how I was made to be invisible as a child. I also deal with consumate people pleasing. I am sure I have no idea how to express my needs most of the time because I am not even aware what they are till after the fact. Thanks so much for sharing your path.
It's y' ol' friend waving back at you...you know...the one you said was ahead of you HB...I think it was a result of opening some of those doors you are opening that enabled me to change my name to Suzannah and leave Heartbroken behind her...but I am still here, going through the 'hoops too'.
It's a bit scary at times and sometimes I am surprised at what I find when I open the door, however I am still doing it...join me for a breather before we bravely open the next one, we could share a prayer too... are y' hanging onto y' HP's hand? ...I am...it helps...okay gal...are you ready to take the plunge, after three...1 2 3...in we go see y' when y' come out !
Yeah Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
It's your friend from Michigan. A lot of what you said rings true for me too. I have categorized myself as a people pleaser. I am working on that but a lifetime of self doubt is hard to overcome.
One thing my HP has been showing me is that I need to speak up for myself. This has been hard for me to do until lately. People that I have known a long time are very surprised to hear some of the things I find myself saying lately, especially my AH.
Keep trusting in your HP. I have found that when I do this, the anxiety is much less. Like Suzannah has said, keep hanging on to HP's hand. He will never steer you in the wrong direction.
Love ya,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
i would also say that undoing denial takes time. I lived, ate slept denial for 7 years with the A. I also spent a lot of years working on my family of origin stuff I am still working on it decades later. I think personally you are setting yourself up expecting yourself to be able to "accept" family of origin issues overnight. For some of us its a lifetime's work. I don't know that any of my family of origin is honest about anything at all. They don't know how to be because they are so steeped in denial I think its taken a lot of work to accept that and then work through the grief about it.
I do live in a web but I work on unentangling it. 7 years with an A left a huge mess. I'm not going to clean it up overnight. It may well take me 7 years to undo all the mess but the issue is I am doing it rather than waiting around and hoping it will go away.
!