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It shouldn't get to me that my mother is the way she is, but it does sometimes.
Just as A'ism is cunning and baffeling, so is the person who has lived with it in their lives their whole life and doesn't think there is anything wrong with them. I, of course, am speaking of my mother. Her ability to manipulate me is astounding. But, why should I be surprised? She's been doing it for 32 years!! Until now. I don't let her take over my thoughts (that tend to run wild on their own) She like to plant little seeds of doubt and I've, in the past, sowed those seeds to beautiful fruition and fought with my signifigant other and in the end would break up with that person and stay with her. I've known for quite some time that she's done this. I didn't need the program to point that out to me. Yet, it took the program and being with Michael for me to say NO MORE! To say that she's upset that he and I are living together agian is a huge understatement. She has been saying things to me the past few days whenever she calls meant to upset me, trying to plant those little seeds. A few months ago, it would have worked. Last night, while waiting for him to come home from visiting a friend in the hospital/meeting/store, I almost let those thoughts grow. But I didn't. I reminded myself of the things he and I have talked about since I've moved back. I reminded myself of the trust I must have. And I reminded myself of who my mother is. She is a sick person who doesn't know she's sick and if she does know, she won't ask for help. I wish she would. I wish she would ask. But wishing that is like wishing for the A to stop drinking. Or wishing for the A to do anything they say they are going to do. I can't wish for any of that because it's futile. I just have to remind myself of who and what I am and that I can only do for me, not someone else. I can't live anyone else's life and I don't have to let their negativity seep it's way back into mine.
I love the slogan's: Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, One Day At A Time.
Were either of your parents alcoholics, or did your mom grow up in an alcoholic family or around other alcoholics?
The doubt-implanting sounds very co-dependent to me. I'm sure she's doing it all under the guise of her "just being concerned for you", but yeah... sounds like she definitely has some control issues of her own.
I'm glad you're able to recognize the crazy-making she's attempting and know not to believe it.
Detachment isn't only to be applied to the A's in our lives... it applies to anyone who has the potential to interfere with our serenity.
Good for you with the slogans and working the program "in all your affairs".
Good work JennN, I always know when my mom is spending a lot of time around my A brother. She doesn't have to tell me. She just acts different. This disease is as baffling dealing with the codependents in our lives as it is dealing with the A. Thats why the program says to "practice these principles in all our affairs".
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I was wondering when a parent (in my case BF''s MOM) sows these seeds or is always "warning" or telling an (adult) child to look out for their own interest and not to trust.( in essence telling them not to get too close to someone ). the worst is gonna happen, you are not safe with that person etc. Are they just worried and trying to help? What is helping without being asked for help?... it's trying to control... but may be based (to the best of their ability) in love and wanting to "protect" the adult child and they may not even know why they say what they say.
Anyway my BF's mom grew up with extream A father and married extream A husband etc. So she has alot of "you can't trust anyone" in her. Alot of "I am the only one who cares for you, you will never be safe, you are not safe to make your own decisions..
Even though she actually acts like she likes me and I believe she does. We have had some very nice times together his mom and I. But often she says to her son.. why would you trust her?.. in various ways. She doesn't believe she can trust anyone so I know this is about her and not about me.
I can totally relate to your situation although my mother goes to meetings and claims sobriety, I wonder about her honesty. I mean, she is needy and plays games sometimes and tries to get in between me and my husband. She sometimes doesn't go right out and say that she needs something or that she is desperate for attention. I just know that when I moved out of our place and into an apartment she was all for it like she wanted my marriage to end! I am still asking myself if it is all worth it! The struggles I go through with my mom and my relationship with her. Sometimes I just wish she would go away but I know I would miss her if she really went away. After all this, she still gives unconditionally to me. I guess it is mostly because she is my mother. I do love her but don't like her sometimes. I guess some of this stuff is normal, but I am 41 years old!
