The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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As mentioned in an earlier post, my Thai wife got into a small motorcycle accident with 8 yr old daughter while drunk [two days after i let go of control] and luckily it was just a few bruises and stawberries and hopefully a 'wake-up call'. She felt like xx for a few days and I'm sure felt even worse every time she looked at our daughter's scrapes and vowed to me to never do it again. I simply told her that it is up to you. Well, today [a week later] she woke up early and prepared an offering to the local ghost house that watches over our neighborhood of boiled chicken, fruit, tobacco, insence and candles and ironically a bottle of Thai whiskey. The Thais are quite superstitious and do these rituals on certain occasions like accidents, illnesses, bad luck etc. Seems to be their 'higher power' and I say......'what-ever works'!!! While the scabs of the accident are still peeling off and the pain is still there and she can see the results of her drinking, I don't worry about her, but when the wounds fully heal is going to be the real test. Let's hope she remembers!! Wish us luck!!
I'm sorry, the main reason for this post was to say 'thanks' to all who cared enough to share their wisdom and give me their kind thoughts before, during, and after this latest chapter in my life . I'll call this another success story!!
How are YOU doing? How do you plan to cope should she "forget"?
I couldn't convince myself into thinking my AH would never drink again. After learning more and more about the disease of alcoholism, I realized that without his working a very real spiritual program like AA with the support of others along with a Higher Power that he'd be likely to pick up the bottle again one day.
It took me a LONG, LONG time to accept that. Didn't want to. I even threatened him and told him "If you start to drink again, I'll leave you." (although at that time I didn't realize that I didn't have the true gumption to follow through with my threat). The threat did nothing but make BOTH of us miserable. The two of us were on edge. The tension and anger and resentment my AH especially was feeling was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
So, one evening, after an Al-anon meeting, I just let it go. I gave up. I realized I wasn't ready to end our marriage, but nor was I willing to put myself through the tension and anger any longer. The whole day before, after a particularly hostile day with my AH, I prayed to my HP: "Help me! Guide me! Protect me!"
Got the idea from my mom, another Al-Anon member, who told me "P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens".
So that's what I did. All that afternoon after talking to my mom: "Help me! Guide me! Protect me!", all through the next day during work and up to my Al-Anon meeting: "Help me! Guide me! Protect me!"
And then I had that glorious moment where another Al-Anon member gave me the proverbial forehead-smack when I told her what I'd told my AH (if you drink, I'll leave), and she said quite simply. "See, you're trying to control him."
She was right. And I was MISERABLE. I wanted the misery to end. My HP sent me to that Al-anon meeting that night to hear the other Al-Anon member tell me I was being controlling.
So at that time, I said, "Okay, HP, I give up! I can't do this anymore! HERE! You have it! I trust you."
When I came home from the meeting I removed the threat from my AH's head. Told him I was not going to threaten our marriage any more, but I DID tell him, I do still get hurt and scared when I see him drink, but he's an adult and capable of making his own decisions about what he can and cannot do with his life.
So, he didn't drink for a while after that... but he wasn't going to AA... so I had a sneaking feeling he'd go back to drinking at some point in time or other. Despite a suicide attempt, he had not hit his true bottom.
Sure enough, last weekend I asked him frankly if he was drinking again. The answer was "yes".
Oh, I went through some anguish then, but I didn't lash out at my AH about it, just internalized it. But at least I knew for sure, though, where for a while I didn't really know WHAT he was doing. Called my sponsor after I got the answer, and did some serious praying and meditating.
Came to terms with it. My AH is going to drink. There is nothing I can do about it. I either need to accept him for who he is, or if I simply cannot, then I need to leave.
Come just this last Thursday, I came home from my Al-anon meeting to seeing him passed out on the couch with a couple empty beer bottles.
Anger welled up inside of me - but just for a split second. With the tools I learned with Al-anon, I reminded myself that I expected this would happen, and again, that AH has as much control over his desire to drink as I have control over making him not drink. My AH and I are BOTH powerless over alcohol.
Knowing that, I didn't freak out on him. Didn't scold him. Didn't get snide with him and tell him "I KNEW you wouldn't be able to stop." Didn't give him the cold shoulder. Didn't cry.
I simply left him passed out on the couch, and when it was time for bed, I just turned off the TV, gave him a kiss on the cheek, told him I was going to bed and left him there on the couch. I don't think he awoke until maybe midnight or so, and then he stumbled to bed.
I have seen such a shift in my attitude lately, and I AM eternally grateful for it.
I'm glad to have the Al-anon program and tools and my sponsor, and most important, my Higher Power. If I did not have any of these, Thursday night's scene could have been a very hurtful, awful end to our marriage. I would have been upset beyond reconcile.
This doesn't mean he overstepped any boundaries with me. I'm slowly working at creating my boundaries, but when I establish what I will and will not put up with, I'm keeping it between me, my HP and maybe my sponsor and Al-anon friends. But I'm not saying a dang word to my AH because if I do, it then just becomes another threat. Instead, should he cross one of those boundaries, I'll react THEN and only then. IF that ever happens. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but right now, I won't concern myself with it only in that I have a plan, at least.
It is so hard to have this happen to your child because of a sick parent. It sure is an example of how much in denial the A is in when they put their own childrens lives in jeopardy.
I hope too she will not do this again. What have you done for you and your child to prevent this?
Are there any alanon meetings there? Have you been to the ones on here? They are really cool. I learned a lot from them.
My husband was in Thailand in the early seventies.I cannot remember the name of the base. I have pictures of his Thai friends in their bamboo homes ? off the ground.
Have pics of the house you talk about where they leave offerings.
I am sure it has changed a lot since he was there. He sent me a very pretty amythist ring that was made there.
Do you have AA there? Do the Thai people accept aism as a disease?
Seems like I remember they do not.
But for us it is the same everywhere. It is their disease. We can work on us and learn to accept them as is, set up boundaries and consequences.
I hope you can find some serenity. Have you gotten any of the daily readers? They sure help me.
