The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight's topics for the meeting where, "Principles Above Personalities and Attitude is a Choice".
Here is my share, wanted to share it all again.
These topics came to me last night after a very good friend of mine called me on B.S.
He did it with love and he wasn't mean about it, but he was right I wasn't working my program. I was choosing personalities above principles, which isn't very Al-anon. I don't like friction of any sort so instead of facing it I tend to run and hide or keep the mouth shut. In the past I have avoided face to face because not liking a person at the meeting and when my friend called me on my BS I realized that maybe the ones that rub me the wrong way I can learn a lot from, even if he/she doesn't know it. The Al-anon closing that says something like though you may not like us all you will come to love us in a special way the way we love you, and that is so true. We may not like everyone here we are human, but everyone here has something to share.
I was choosing a bad attitude by not working my program and not choosing principles above personalities. So today I choose to have a good attitude about my program. And what I am doing and come to all the rooms of Al-anon that I attend with an open mind and an open heart. Choosing to keep away from friction has probably cost me some good meetings.
I had a very good friend of mine choose to leave an Al-anon function due to the negative people they encountered. Everyone looses then. The negative people who are so toxic that they are poison will ruin integrity of the program; if we choose personalities above principles, and my responsibility as a member of Al-anon is to maintain the integrity of my program. So that it can help the newcomer and all members.
Choosing to work my program, I mean truly work my program, is not always an easy choice to make. I face things I may not want to, but choosing to work a good, honest, and true program is always the right choice for me, and will reflect in my attitude.
Principles above personalities; Dr. Bob and Bill W. sure knew what they were doing when they made that into tradition 12.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I didn't like all of the lessons either and all of them were valuable still. I agree completely with how it is written. Principals are always more significant to the individual and the group and it sure is great glue. Yes we are all personalities and always will be and it's the principals that bring those personalities together for the good of the program as a whole.
Thanks for that great share. It was a topic that was touched on in my Thursday meeting, too.
Never even thought about it in the sense of my Al-anon groups (you know, I keep applying most of this stuff to my AH, but for real growth and change, I need to apply what I've learned "in all my affairs", not just with my AH.)
I do see a few people at the meetings who I could take one of two ways - extremely negative and just hopeless - OR - someone who's just feeling a lot of pain and anguish and we're perhaps the only safe place for them to discuss their problems.
One of the reasons why I like that there's to be no cross-talk, though. That point alone probably is what preserves so many meetings from dissolving into discontent.
Another place where I need to put that into action is my work. For the most part, I get along with everyone swimmingly there, but there are some days where I can definitely see that I put people's personalities before principles. And the crazy thing about it all is that I do it without even thinking! Just automatically "label" a person instead of setting the personality (or conflict with mine) to the side and just working on the actual "job" part of the problem.
Thank you again for a wonderful share! It's nice when we have people call us on our BS, because so often, we can get so wrapped up in ourselves we can't see what's really going on!
I'm just realising (through my step 4) how co dependent I am around my sibling family.
I drives me mad how easily I slip into resentments around them. There is no honest communication. My sponsor just recently told me to keep in mind Principles above personalities.
I hadn't thought about it at all till then but she was right I had it in reverse, keeping them all happy because I didn't want to upset anyone by allowing them to know I was uncomfortable.
Basically everyone is so judgemental and bossy. They talk behind peoples backs instead of daring to talk to them directly. That might upset them? No one discusses real issues.
Ok yeah ....I know about it now and can work at changing my attitude towards them. I can't change them though (step one). So for now nothing will change. We're a big family. Its really scary to start the ball rolling and be the first to communicate honestly. I'm still scared of upsetting them. It IS all BS but denial has been comfortable for too many years?
Not sure I should even try. I've always been thought of as emotional ( I found out this week my family is known as the disfunctional family!!!! behind my back) Its really difficult to know where to start or how to start. I just keep my focus on my needs for now.
Aghhh I'm babbling because I'm still confused about it I think
My group is having issues with personalities too. It is very uncomfortable, but man the growth potential for all involved. It has been a struggle for me particularly because I happen to be chairing the meeeting at the moment. On top of that, the person that is setting off trouble is someone that I care about very much, an oldtimer who was really there for me when I started out. So I am really having to work with my sponsor and set my mind to stay focused when I go to this meeting the last couple of weeks.
I do not want this problem to degrade into a spitting contest. So far we have managed to do better than that. I keep reminding myself of the 12th tradition and to not take any of it personal, even when it seems that at times it is meant that way. I keep reminding myself that no matter how long we are in this program, we are all human and affected by a disease of the mind and spirit. When someone acts less than nice I try to take it as I would from the A, a symptom of our sickness.
Even oldtimers can get bogged down in fear of change and wanting to control things. I cannot control them. I have to keep focused on myself and let them learn their own lessons. I believe my HP puts these things in my road for a reason, to help me learn patience, tolerance, love for the seeming unloveable, self control, acceptance, and others I can't think of right now.
I am going to my meeting tommarrow and I will set my mind to staying focused on recovery during the meeting and showing the love and care I have for all concerned.
"Let the hand of Al-Anon always be there, and let it begin with me." (This applies to oldtimers too.)
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
