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OK so the situation in a nutshell: My A fiance's A friends invited him and I to a party where there will be drinking. They tried to rope me into it by insisting that I "make him go if he doesn't want to." We talked it over and both decided that our recovery would be threatened by going to this party.
So. I sent a polite email telling this "friend" that I wouldn't be going, but I hope everybody had a good time. I said nothing about my A because that's his business. Then he told her separately that he wasn't going. I don't think he told her exactly why, but he's told her that he's getting sober before. He's even told her not to encourage him to drink, etc, so we both thought that she understood his situation. Anyway, he nicely told her that he's not going to her party.
Now, she's been b*tching at him nonstop about being a bad friend, etc etc. She even roped her bf into b*tching at him. And now I'm hearing about it from my A. Apparently the bf told him to "Be a man and face your problem" by "coming to the party anway and having a Coke." So he OBVIOUSLY doesn't understand what's going on. Basically, I am so ticked off right now there really aren't words for it.
I'm so mad at these people for trying to tear my fiance down the second he tries to get help, and I'm afraid that he's going to get upset and drink again. And now I'm angry at myself for caring about that in the first place!!!
AND I'm also kind of pissed because they're piling all of this crap on HIM, but not on me! I know that sounds weird but it's like it doesn't matter that I'm not going. I'm the b*tch that made him quit drinking and I'm not their friend anyway so they were expecting me to flake out because I'm lame. But it's a big deal of their alcoholic friend tells them that he can't go to their party where everyone will be getting wasted!!! How does this make sense!!?!?
Whew! OK I feel a little better just venting. This is just so unexpected! I mean, most of our friends have been totally understanding and nice about the whole thing, but these people are just toxic! This is destroying my serenity.
*deep breaths* I have to tell myself that other people's problems are not my problems. Other people's drama is not my drama. I don't have to take on other people's anger and resentment and fear. I can't change or control this situation. *deep breaths*
OK HALT! I think I'm hungry! LOL But that doesn't invalidate the anger that I feel, right? I'm going to go eat and try and relax.
-- Edited by intothewoods at 14:06, 2008-04-18
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
Is your fiance in AA? One of the first things they tell the A is that they have to change people, places and things that they hung out with/did when they were drinking. For my ex A this included him having to distance and go no contact with his family (he didn't really have any friends so that wasn't an issue). You sound like you are doing a fabulous job of detaching!!! Good for you! It's a very hard thing to do!!!
(((intothewoods))) I can relate to the "friends" thing. My A, Michael, and I met through a mutual friend. Since his becoming sober, he doesn't "hang out" with that friend as much. They still talk on the phone, but Michael knows how "bad" that friendship is for him and his recovery. It also helps that the friend lives about an hour away too. But there are tattoo parties that he would like to go to but doesn't because he knows there will be drinking there and knows that those friends will try and get him to start drinking again. I saw this particular friend when I was staying at my mom's a couple of weeks ago and he told me I needed to get Michael drinking agian because he can't stand him sober. The friend doesn't like him sober because "he's an ass". I had to laugh. I said yes he is different and yes he is an ass (donkey or body part take your pick) BUT there was NO WAY on this green earth that I would EVER tell him to start drinking again!! It's an adjustment for everyone in the A's life to get used to. Especially the "friends". Michael absolutely hates not being able to hang out with this friend like he used to, but his soberiety is so much more important to him. I applaud him for this realization. MY opinion is that if the friends are not supportive 100% in the A's attempt at soberiety, then they aren't real friends and they aren't the type of person I would want to be around anyways. He does have friends that he used to drink with that respect him for not drinking now and don't push him to drink. Those friends he does still see and enjoys his time with them. He also has NEW friends from AA; sober friends. And those friends I think will be for a lifetime. I applaud you and your A for NOT going and for standing up for yourselves to those "friends". I'll include you in good thoughts and prayers that you both continue on this positive path. It's rough, but it's worth it.
The only thing that came to mind for me was the famous saying...
With friends like that who needs enemies?
I agree with Jennifer, if these people aren't supportive of WHATEVER he chooses then they are not true friends. And why bog yourself down with people who aren't out to support you? I mean really, life's hard enough without other people trying to bring you down on top of it!
My husband found that some of his drinking buddies stayed friends with him when he sobered up, while some were almost insulted that he should quit drinking, and made every effort to get him to take a drink. I suspect this has more to do with their own secrets doubts about how much THEY drink, and not much to do with the sober A at all.
Sobering up means a real change of lifestyle, not just "not drinking". This is hard for a newly recovering A to deal with, but it must be done. Eventually he will find fun people to hang out with who do not threaten his sobriety. He may even find that old friendships, that had died when his drinking started to get out of hand, can be renewed.
As much as possible, try to stay out of it - there will be a certain amount of conflicting loyalties in this, and you don't want to get in the middle.
A's are the same all around, they all seek convenient excuses to continue their drinking. They want your AH around so they can validate their reason to drink some more. And even if he doesn't show up, they'll use THAT as a validation to drink some more. If their favorite sports team wins the next game, that'll be a reason to drink, too. Hey! Look! The sun's shining! What a great excuse for them to drink some more!
You're not the "b*tch who made him stop drinking". Remember... you can't control him? It was HIS decision, so take yourself out of that equation right away. You're giving yourself too much credit if you even feel that other people view you as the one who made it happen. Sorry, but if we all had that kind of power, none of us would be here having problems with the A's in our lives!
Your wanting them to be mad at you to protect your fiance from their disdain just personalizes it and throws you back into that feeling that you're the one calling all the shots and you're the one responsible for everything everyone does around you.
Hope your fiance is in a good program like AA, it'll help him deal with "friends" like those.
And remember you have Al-Anon, too, to help you cope with those same "friends".
You know, as I was reading your post, I felt like someone clinging to a tree in the midst of a hurricane, that hurricane being your anger! LOL!
What I heard, truly heard, after I read through your post for a second time is you're afraid your fiance will drink again...period. It might not be this, might not be next week, might be months down the road, but you're afraid he will drink again.
99% of the time, when I have anger like that, underneath is a very real fear/and or pain I am not dealing with.
It's okay to be afraid; we all are at times because we are human.
When I find my anger rising, and I've allowed myself to get caught up in someone's else crap, I remind myself there is no problem, no situation that is so big that I can't place it into God's loving hands and leave it there. Then I close my eyes, visualize those loving hands reaching out to me, and that's where I put it all and let go.
That works pretty good for me (((((hugs)))))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
In my experience an A's drinking buddies are mostly A's themselves, so why would you expect them to be supportive of his sobriety? I often find my expectations get me into trouble this way, too. That's why we say don't go to the hardware store for bread. In recovery we learn to get support from the right sources. We find new friends and learn to be realistic about people in our lives that are not real friends, or are just too sick themselves to be real friends.
So, as thsks said, look at you and what is beneath that anger. For me it is usuall fear and/or unreasonable expectations. Looking at others is really a waste of our time. We really do not know what is in thier minds and hearts. Ours is the only one we truly have the power to see clearly.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
) BUT there was NO WAY on this green earth that I would EVER tell him to start drinking again!! It's an adjustment for everyone in the A's life to get used to. Especially the "friends". Michael absolutely hates not being able to hang out with this friend like he used to, but his soberiety is so much more important to him. I applaud him for this realization. 
Jennifer 