The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My HP has brought something to my attention. This is something I've known all my life but not something that I've ever really thought about in terms of looking for answers as to how to change this. Probably because of fear. Fear of rejection and failure but quite frankly that's all I've ever known because I've gotten good at sabataging myself. I doubt myself. I expect to screw up. I expect to disappoint people. I think that stuff will turn out better or right if someone else does it. Now, I know this comes from my childhood experiences and the old tapes that are ingrained in my head. Furthermore, I know that the only way to change this is to get those experiences and tapes out of my head. Knowing that this needs to be done and knowing how to do it are 2 different things. Aren't they? Is it as simple as working the steps and using the slogans? I feel that in order to progress in this area I'm going to have to take risks. What kinds of risks I'm not sure? I do know that I need to find the answers. I'm listening, HP...
Now you're out on the journey. I'm excited for you because you will learn sooo very much about yourself and about life around you and you will continue to learn more about your HP and how really very close your HP is to you. I am excited for you. I pray the first thing that leaves is FEAR. That was the biggie for me...the absolute largeest one. When FEAR left I woke up as new creation.
The program allows you to take little bites out of things. It allows you to make little projects out of big concerns (Easy does it) and it suggest that you don't do it alone. Go get a sponsor, some one you relate to and is willing to lead you down this journey that they have made in very similar ways and come away stonger for it. They used a sponsor.
Taking risk is fun for me when I use the realization that if it gets to scarey I can just stop or run back to my hiding places and peek out from time to time. Taking risk is fun when I ask others for help and am honest about who I am and what I am trying to do and what my goals are. There are no dragons behind the big door...instead I found just another door; and light and an invitation to continue going on. (my experience).
Yes we take risks. We don't take blind risks anymore. We have brains, We have time, We have support, We have God and we have choices!! Lots of tools.
Working the steps and slogans are huge for me and not all that there is. I still have to trust and believe and practice new awarenesses and behaviors. I need to incorporate rigorous honesty is all my affairs and make the values the program teaches me my habits.
If you make listening, deep listening, a habit you will be rich in recovery. Listeners are learners and learners become healthy and a value to those around them.
Keep coming back and keep on your journey. Miracles happen in this program and you will be getting some with your attitude and faith.
One thing I find helps me when I'm getting to that place of doubting my abilities, I try to turn it immediately over to my HP instead - my HP will know what to do. So, I put my trust in my HP that my HP will guide me in making the right decisions, etc.
I could put it in the terms of: "I can't, God can, I'll let Him."
SS, my ESH is that one of the best ways to deal with this problem (I have it also, believe me!!) is to remain in the "one day at a time" mode or even, one moment at a time mode. If I focus 100% of my energy and passion into this single day or even better, this single moment, I am home free. Both the past and the future drop away and can easily be seen as the illusions that they are. The past and the future do not actually exist- only this moment here, does. This has helped me alot, maybe it will help you, too. If you keep you mind completely in the present, all is well in pretty much every way. Hugs, J.
You have begun to walk hand in hand with your HP. To trust in your HP.
Your HP will never fail you. Each day you will become stronger and more confident. Soon you will attain the serenity you are seeking.
I know this because I have been in the shoes you are now walking in. You have come to the right place for here you will gain the Experience, Strength and Hope you will need while making your recovery.
I was so full of despair before I came to AlAnon. As an ACOA, and now the wife of an A, I had a lifetime of scars, self doubt, insecurities and loss of self worth to deal with in my recovery. While I still have a ways to go, I am seeing true progress as I immerse myself in this program.
My AH has not fully recovered either. He has sober periods, (7 days straight now). But, whether or not he STAYS sober, I will continue to work my program, and continue to recover.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
