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Hello, I haven't been posting, just lurking here for over 6 months, but I am back. I saw a therapist for a while, and joined a therapy group and both were helpful up to a point. I have accepted intellectually that I can't help my A son get sober, but he is in my head so much of the time, especially now that he ended 5 months of sobriety with a 5 day binge that demolished everything he worked for in the last few months. He lost his job because he didn't show up and the friend he is living with , who is 6 years into recovery, told him to get out. He has no money. He is in FL. I am in NY. I know I can't offer him a home because it would never work. A year ago I would have been on the phone trying to help him figure out what to do and sending money. Now I am just telling him I'm so sorry this happened, but what I really want to do is grab him up. His options get smaller with each incident, but he refuses to get help or even admit that help might be a good thing. I guess he is not ready to give up the insanity. I am not a peace at all. I am worried and as always, scared. I am doing the right thing, but it doesn't feel very good at all. Laura
Just remember the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and You can't cure it. The worst thing about this disease is the helpless feeling we get when our A gets into a situation like your A has found himself in.
I'll be praying that you can give this over to your HP. When you trust HP with your troubles you will be able to find some peace in this.
Take Care of yourself,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
(((((Laura))))))) You A son sounds a lot like my A bf. They work for a stretch of time at buiding their lives, then in a few days, they lose it all. It's heartbreaking. It's devastating to watch. And as much as I love my A bf - I know the love a mother feels for her son (I have a son of my own) - and that bond is so different. He's part of you. I know how helpless it feels to be in your shoes. No, you're right, it probably wouldn't work if you moved him back to your home. His disease is on a path of destruction. Until he decides that he wants to work at recovery, then it will continue. The best and most powerful thing you can do for your son right now is pray for him. Remember that your son has his own HP. Try to turn your son over to him. I have to do this with my A. Sometimes many times a day.
I pray that you can find serenity through all of this.
What ESH (experience, strength & hope) can help a parent in a situation like this? I just cannot even imagine what I would do/not do. What books can be read to understand? What help is out there for parents to figure out where to draw the line? How does a parent overcome the instict to help, help, help?
My sister is going through this with her children. I just found out that a friend is going through this with her child.
Is there a different group (alanon) specifically for parents? I'm sure there is... just don't know where to find it. Anyone know?
I wish there was a special place for parents. Although an A affects everyone, there is no way out for a parent. I know it's very hard, but you can finally leave a BF or a H, but not your child. So I stay away and don't call and don't offer any help and my life is a nightmare. I know the 3 Cs and I am not guiltly of causing it, but I look back and wish I had recognized what was happening sooner. I am guilty of enabling. I know I enabled for both of us. I couldn't bear to think of him going to jail or not getting what he wanted so I fixed and paid for 10 years. I couldn't bear my own pain of seeing him as a train wreck. so I tried to make things better. But I stopped. If I call him now he will be abusive or drunk or I will hear his next plan, which will be pathetic. So I do nothing (except eat 5000 calories a day and get bigger every day.) Thank you all for caring. Laura
My heart goes out to you and your son. I know exactly how you feel and have been in your shoes. My son has been in and out of rehab, relapsing more than I know. He is currently living in an Oxford house (Sober House) and has been clean and sober for 4 months. Probably the longest since he began using. I am thankful for each day he remains clean and sober, and pray for him constantly. I know the temptations are out there for a 21 year old male. I worry when I know he is in contact with his old "party" friends. But I am trusting God for him.......the only thing I can do. Plus he has a lot to lose if he choses to use or drink again. He would be homeless and probably lose his job. I beleive our children are a gift from God, but at some point we have to give them back. And I have to continually give my son back to God. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I also wish there was a program for parents of addicts/alcoholics, because it is different. I've told my son that very thing.......if I was married to him, I'd divorce him and move on with my life, but he's my son, and he will always be my son. And I love him. Take care of yourself..... May God Bless, mel123
I walk in your shoes. I truly know and understand.
Our son is 29 yrs. old and has been an alcoholic since he was 17 yrs. old. He is sober and in recovery now for the last 10 months. It is One Day at a Time for him and for US.
A very important part of the recovery process is the relapsing. Again, for THEM and US. As a parent of an A, I don't really believe that we can truly detach completely. Our children are a part of us, not just an extension. When they hurt, we hurt. When they are sick, we also become sick. We are unable to help them get well. They have to begin to get well in their own time, when they are ready. But we can help ourselves get well and heal. We have to let go of the insanity and concentrate on healing ourselves.
As parents of an A, we need to step aside and get out of their way so they can find their path to recovery. We also continue to love them, support them in their battles and offer them encouragement & especially compassion. We just can't DO it for them.
I pray ALOT. For my son and for our family. I light candles to help brighten the path for my son to follow. That's all I can do. And live One Day at a Time.
Perhaps the boundaries are different for parents of A's than it is for spouses, significant others. Perhaps not. I just try to be very thankful for the sobriety when it is there. I can't look ahead to when and if he will relapse. I will cross that bridge when and if it comes my way. I try not to project what tomorrow will be. I am just grateful for today and that today my son is still sober and in recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with your son and you and your family. God bless.
I just called a Chemical Dependency Unit at a local hospital to find out if there are any programs available, specifically for parents of alcoholics.
Without hesitation, the counselor said, "Alanon!"
I said, "But parents have special needs... they would have a harder time detaching." He knew exactly where I was going with this.
He said, "Trust me... Alanon is the program that will work. There are plenty of people that they will find that are parents of Alcoholics in Alanon. If they follow the program, they can find serenity."
Hmmmm... "It works, if you work it!" I realize that parents do have a different set of circumstances... but Alanon is sound... as long as we work our program and work on ourselves. The counselor sounded so sure about it, and was so reassuring about his confidence in a parents ability to find serenity.
My heart soooooo goes out to you all who are parents and dealing with an addicted child.
ESH, Thank you for making the inquiry. I know Alanon is all about fixing ones own life and not being dragged into the abyss of the A, but it is so hard. I have to try harder. Laura
