The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have noticed that the A has a great deal of compassion for his fellow cell mates. He genuinely seems to "care" about their needs and frustration. I also noticed in some of the responses to my post that others of you have noticed that your A also seemed to give or want you to give to their "friends." Do you think this is a "birds of feather" concept or what?
Co they are actually just as human and needy as we are. Little differences maybe some age and then the gender issue but after that more similarities than differences. That is why in recovery we look at the similarities rather than the differences. Differences keep us apart. Similarities create empathy and understanding.
What the alcoholic does is natural. Alcoholics can be and are compassionate and supportive often in the wrong settings and atmosphere and with the wrong people. It is when they break from their using or drinking friends and associates and settings and start associating willingly and honestly with others "who have been there and done that and have changed inspite of it" that their lives change for the better; not over night and not perfectly (dependent upon who's judging LOL) but better; some better than others.
I think they are ardent people pleasers. Actually I have written a lot about how the A put everyone but everyone before me. I don't ask "why" anymore. I just know I am not prepared to be treated as "last" on the list anymore.
The A put everyone but everyone before me. He helped lots of people when it was in his own interest. He often, very very often got tired of it. People were his best friend soul mate one minute, the devil the next. I think that's called splitting.
I would obsess to the point of total oblivion that he "cared" about them and didn't care about me. I was incredilby jealous, rageful and upset about it.
Then I learned how to detach.
These days I am not much interested in who he is being "nice" to because I no longer deal with him as his life is non stop complete chaos and I have a duty to take care of me and my dogs not him to the point of total oblivion.
My A gave to other drug addicts because he wanted something. There was no love involved in his "giving". It was all about what he had to do to get what he needed. And then it was also about status. If he percieved someone to be of a higher status than him and he could be friends with that person then their staus would rub off on him. Or he would be "good" or "cool" or "powerful" by association. And yes, as he only saw me as an extention of himself, then I should also do whatever it took to elevate him to his rightful status. He is still very much like this despite his proclaimed "sobriety". He never had any friends. Just whatever woman he was with at the time was his "best friend". Thing is, he has no clue what a real friend is. He isn't one and never had one. And that I think is very, very sad. He surrounds himself with like-minded people who will tell him what he wants to hear, not the truth. IMO, that is not a true friend.
So, yeah, he "gave" to others but it was only ever all about him.
of course he is concerned with their well being! They are IN JAIL! If he takes care of them and covers for them, they will do the same for him- its typical gang/incarceration behavior... J.
I have noticed that my A really likes to "give" to people that appear "down on their luck" for whatever reason, and has absolutly not a care for the respectable person in need. He'd let a person in a business suit freeze to death on a highway but an apparent "homeless" person he would give his last dime? It's like he's really mad at those who don't have major issues
Mine made a big deal out of helping AA buddies he'd "gotten close to" and would drop everything to take care of their needs (help them move, drive them places if they didn't have a car....that kind of thing). Almost like it was some code that those in AA took precedence over everyone else. People he met 3 months ago were more important than I was. (I couldn't possibly understand....) That gets old fast. I was the "normal" one and "had it together", so I didn't require time from him like the others did. One of the gifts my A has is being empathetic and a good listener. Several in AA attached themselves to him for that reason. And since he felt a kinship with them he stepped right into all that. I guess that's the kind of kinship he'll never feel with me. But I know now that I don't need him to fill my voids or rescue me emotionally. First of all, he can't. But secondly.....that's not his job - and fortunately, I have lived my life so that he is no longer a REQUIREMENT for me. Not to say, it still doesn't sting when I get moved down on his priority list, but I'm making peace with that.
In a therapy sense my A is an avoidant who thinks it is he duty to give and help everyone. He feels guilty if he doesn't and gets a big, positive for being a nice guy (look how helpful he is). Time and time again he would help others and strangers and ignore his own family and wife. He even helps people he doesn't like. At Christmas he left his own sons after 24 hours to go "help" cook for a group he barely knows because he said he told them he would "help" them. He looks good to them and he gets to avoid the emotions of being with his sons and his own guilt. So much for analyzing him. It always bugged me.
Yes after reading all these post again I have today determined that It is about them! what a surprise!There must be something in them that avoids being close and caring for, taking care of and protecting the family you live with. Especially if the person/family your with seems more healthy or strong than the "less fortunate" that they seem to want to help? I have seen my A BF become livid if a woman was being treated wrong or someones feelings were being hurt. I have had him have direct opportunity to protect my feelings or defend me and he will literally say: NOT my fault you two don't like eachother etc... as if he had no responsibility to look out for my feelings or protect me from hurt in any way. (yet he would protect the other persons feelings, even if they were the person hurting me) Saw it with another woman we knew/ he was friends with, Happened when my brother (for some unknown reason) was mad and "trashing" me. He really likes to play the "good guy" card where he doesn't say anything one way or the other, so his silence makes one person (the one doing the trashing) thinks he agrees with them and he can say to me " I never said a bad word about you" like I'm stupid enough to think that NOT defending me isn't saying something bad about me. When I talk to him about this he won't even bother to explain.. Okay- here I am in my little box again running around like a mouse that can't get out LOL
I think that is something I miss most from my hopes and dreams (expectations of a relationship) is that the person I love would protect me from hurt and stand up for me in all situations.
Possibly they saw distance and lack responsibility toward family growing up (like maybe an A father) and probably resentment from (probably a mother ) and just as we natually would fall into "put your spouse and kids first" kind of thinking they just naturally put the drinking first and then when they do find a compassion for someone (that need we all have to be needed, loved and respected that makes us want to do for others) it doesn't seem safe or natural for it to be spouse or family? Cuz you get hurt if you reach out to family. But strangers they can walk away from after doing good things for them before they have a chance to hurt them.
Which pretty much puts us in the spot of just detaching and accepting less than we deserve or leaving.
Unless they choose to change? Which we all know we can put expectations on that!
Me thinks they do the things that they do to gain whatever benefits that they can gain for themselves. The disease is a selfish one... not a "giving" one.
Our disease is a "giving" one... and we need to learn to take care of ourselves. It is like the A's and the Alanons are almost polar opposites... the takers and the givers. (OK, I'm sure there are grey areas in there, too! But you get the drift.)
Its called the twelfth step. Its necessary for sobriety. Often it starts as early as detox. This differs from the ninth step. That takes a couple years and in the case of family it is an accepted fact that an alcoholic can never fully repair the damage. Until a man is advanced in sobriety, the standard best an early recovering alcoholic can do is to stay sober. After a person gets to the ninth step they can begin to learn what becomes a lifetime process. Its not pushed before someone gets on the ninth step because the guilt and remorse gets people druink instead of the 12 step which keeps people sober. Often some progress is seen while the fourth step is being done but until the fifth step is completed, the alcoholic is still on very dangerous ground.
If the family is ever to have a chance, Sobriety must come first. All progress in any direction depends on it.
