The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What a day, what a week. Yesterday a co-worker of mine was fired. This was rather unexpected. Not the fact that she was, but the timing. There were reasons.
I turned 30 today, and that is messing with my head. I don't know why really. Ok let's be honest. I am lonley. I miss my husband, but I miss the illusion not the reality. I am so glad he has to work tonight, even with all that has happened I am not sure if I could maintain healthy decission making skills if he had the ability to be here.
I met him shortly after I turned 19, and this isn't the first birthday since then that I have spent alone, but it is the first birthday that I have been alone. And I so don't want to be, well sorta.
I had someone ask me if I wanted to do something tonight and I said no, used the kids as an excuse. I can't be with the one I want to be with (even though I know is isn't healthy I still want it) so being with someone else just isn't what I want. And right now I am not even sure who that someone I want to be with is. Part of me thinks it is my hub and another part thinks it is someone I "met" in July.
Right now in this moment I know why some people choose to jump from one relationship to the next. And even though in my head I know it isn't right and it isn't what I want because whomever that was with it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. How could it be? I am a mess. But still, right now to cuddle up in a nice pair of strong arms and just feel safe, warm, and loved would be heaven right now.
And as I typed that last sentence I know that I have my HP, but it isn't the same.
Ok enough pity pot. Gotta get my ass working out and then I have a phone call to make. Two very healthy choices (well depending who I call good thing it is an alanon ) and choices that will help me to get my head on straight.
I know leaving the "A" for me was the right choice. I know for the kids it was the right choice. And that other person isn't available at all (go figure another unavailable man). Just sometimes I need to remind myself why I made the choice to be alone.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Geeeez..........sure wish I was just turning 30 (and know what I know now).....life coulda been different! I understand all those feelings you wrote about. But like you said, we miss the fantasy of what we want - not the actuality of what life with the A is. I know. I know. grrr.....
Well.....go enjoy your workout and your phone call and most of all - your birthday!!!!! Another year wiser.
This too shall pass, I swear it does. It comes and goes but it is never as intense as the first time. It's kinda like withdrawl. You get thru the awfulness and then it is just a matter or staying clean.
Someday you will feel safe and warm and loved and really be able to believe it, without having to pretend all the other BS is not there. When you are ready for healthy relationships, they will appear.
For me 30 was a big ordeal. I was dreading it, actually, but at the same time, it was one of those big round numbers where I felt some special celebration would be called for, too.
That was last July.
Of course at that time, I was in full co-dependent "me", and expected my AH to just read my mind and know that I expected something "big" for my birthday.
Of course it was all very anti-climactic. He gave me a mean joke card (one of those ones that's like "Oh my god! You're OLD!"), and then this just really cheap gift that really didn't hold much meaning to me at all.
So, I was very disappointed on many levels as far as my AH's role in my birthday "celebration". My parents sent me some nice gifts, though, which I really appreciated. But I was just irritated with my AH because I'd gotten him really, REALLY nice gifts for his birthday and he didn't bother to try with me.
Sounds shallow, I know - expecting expensive gifts.. but I think it was all hard for me to take, coming to terms with not being a 20-something anymore, having a person who I love give me a mean joke card and a gift that looked like it took no thought at all.
But I think most of all, I just felt kind of looked over or something.
I know now that when my next birthday rolls around, if I want a big deal celebration, I need to organize it and not expect my AH to figure it out. And if I want some kind of special gift, I'll get it for myself and not expect much of anything out of my AH because he just doesn't really "get me" where gifts are concerned.
Thirty was very hard for me. I think it was because I had been wanting children, but was unable to get pregnant. I did finally have a child at age 34. Forty was a breeze and so was fifty. I think our life circumstances have a lot to do with our outlook on things especially when it comes to birthdays. When I was turning 40, and also 50, I was very happy with my life, because my A was not drinking, and we were raising our daughter (she is turning 21 next friday)
As I approach 60, I have mixed emotions. I have a ways to go in my recovery. My AH has retired now, and I'm still working. My last birthday, he didn't even get me a card. Thank goodness I had my AlAnon meeting that night. It has been an uphill battle at times. I could not do it without AlAnon.
Give it all to your HP and he will show you the way.
Take Care.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Ha`oli la hanau Mandy (you get it in Hawaiian from me).
Dang!! My youngest child is older than 30!! Those were the lost years for me and I don't ever want to do that again...promise!!
I can still remember what it feels like that you are going thru though. The loneliness was rough until I learned how to be alone and not feel lonely. How did this happen? In this wonderful program I learned how to love myself and appreciate myself and then I found that my "need" for another person wasn't really that important. I lost my "need" and I was either with myself without others or with myself and others. Weird sounding but a marvelous way to live. I am okay really okay with or without another person(s) in my space and since I have learned to love all other people unconditionally I didn't "need" someone "special". I have had lots of ex"special" people in my life...now I don't. As for my Higher Power holding me that happens 24/7 whether I ask for it or not. I like to cuddle also with the understanding that when something else pushes my button and calls me to open up my arms and let my wife alone most likely I will do that too. Have I ever gotten my way just as I wanted it? I can't remember ever having that happen. I have had dreams and that is all they were.
Keep coming back. Do 30 with your seat belt on. Be careful.
Birthdays were and are really hard for me. The reason for me is the kind of romantic idealism you speak about. If I can't have a "date" that's about it. But the fact is there is life without romance. Nowadays I am really working hard to celebrate a lot more (not celebrate in an unhealthy way). I work on celebrating my achievements.
I too totally mooched after unavailable men all my life. I also spent untold hours obsessing about them. If they were unavailable I was interested, available felt very risky for me.
These days I am well past 30 and hardly out of it. I had a very very very hard time with 30 for whatever reason. I made it a hard time really but exacting these standards on myself. My next birthday (I'm not saying how old I am!) and I am trying to keep it a low key affair but nevertheless I will celebrate with or without a date.
With or without a relationship I have a life worth living.
I wish I would have found alanon by 30!!!! But so thankful I found it at 41 not 51!! Let's all make the next year the best year ever!!
And I am finding out how to do that with my current life, if it were ever to change and regardless of "relationship issues" whoo hoo a totally new concept for me!!
Happy Birthday, bend over I have a kick for you... :) The beginning is hard, eventually it gets easier being alone. Most of the time I think that's a good thing. Sometimes not so much. At least now it's bearable when before it wasn't.
) and choices that will help me to get my head on straight.
