The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Haven't posted in a while, but have been reading some books. One is When You Love Them More Than They Love You- Overcoming Codependency in Relationships. A Great Read. Well, the A is out of solitary and has resumed calling. I try not to answer every call, but for whatever reason feel stressed watching it ring. He also continues to ask me to 3 way call other people for his cell mate , etc, so that in return they give him food, etc. He wants me to come pick up a cell phone that his cell mate has in property that has minutes for jail calls on it. This way we won't be charged for a while for talking and his cell mate can also be connected 3 way to the outside world. When I told him it seems like I would be stuck calling cross country for the guy- granted he seems nice enough- the A responded just remember it is only 10 minutes out of my day. He seems to have attitude today and the ungratefulness of it is making me resentful-which I hate because it makes me feel used which makes me feel bad about me. Ultimately I am still struggling with the concept that if he is using me or since he is using me that means he thinks less of me which causes me to think less of myself. In another words if he really cared about me he wouldn't use me. Same old story I know.
You know, there is a whole community of people who are not in jail who would like to get to know you. Do you get to meetings? I bet if you start making healthier friendships it might be easier to let the unhealthy ones go. It sounds like you are making some boundries for yourself concering him. Keep going, you're getting there!
Nothing changes if nothing changes...it is a simple truth. Once I started to change my pattern of behavior with the A, started to focus on myself, started to take care of myself, started to nourish my mind, body and soul (with the help of Al-Anon), then EVERYTHING changed!!
This program works if you work it and it is there waiting for you when you are ready.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
A's are great at trying to guilt us for having any sort of self-esteem. Try to convince us we're being selfish. After all, what in our day is more important than meeting THEIR needs?
Hmm... who's being selfish, now?
"It's only 10 minutes out of your day."
Yes. He's right. It's YOUR day. Do you want to spend 10 minutes of your day funneling phone calls for convicts?
"No." is always an acceptable answer. Nice thing about it is it's a complete sentence, too.
The A who I was with was very dismissive of my needs. At the end of our relationship he moved in a drug addict couple who seemed to feel I was just there for their needs. One day one of them asked me for some sugar for her baking project. She was most displeased when I told her I was not going to the store to get it for her.
He specialized in setting me up to do for others. No one "did" for me.
Then if I ever balked at any of his "demands" he would vilify me to others saying how much he had lost through his relationship with me.
Over time I got to see the patterns. When I eventually said "no" to him last September I was beyond his demands.
Before then I felt incredilby sorry for him and over responsible for him. Now I don't. I am well aware he is struggling at the moment, so am I. Right now I am taking care of me.
Our relationship was not always as black and white as this. There were times in the relationship the A "gave". Those times evaporated as he grew more embroiled in his addiction. He specialized in having friends,family and neighbors who "needed" and who thought I was selfish if I asked to sleep,eat, have space of my own, have money of my own, sleep (one of his friends actually walked in the house and woke me up one day!), garden (friends of his broke my hose, left the gate open), use the computer (of course I was last on the list), need a ride (his friends took priority at all times), need money (I was supposed to feed his friends too, Have a television (when his friends were around they took priority over my tv that was in the living room - needless to say they never took priority over his TV which was in the bedroom). I could go on.
Eventually I said no. I meant no. I stuck to no. I took 7 years to get there. I tore my hair out to get there, I doubted myself to get there but I did get there, it is possible to get there. Read Melody Beattie who has a great account of her codependency when she had her house full of people and was in debt to the tune of 50 K when she started recovery.
Their addiction requires them to be selfish. It forces it upon them. How else will they ever get their needs met??? Mine is a MASTER manipulator. Sweet, sweet, sweet....but what you don't see is the what's going on behind the curtain. He's got to work it to get what he wants. I know that in my head. My heart wants so desperately to believe that his words have something to do with me. When I start to sense that they really don't is when I fall down in the well. (Where I've been ALL DAY LONG.)
Co - I needed to read your post. I always need to read your posts. I see so much of myself in you. And watching someone else do it helps give me some MUCH NEEDED perspective on what I'm doing.
Yes - your A is even working it from behind bars. He must really be good. I like what Seren said - there's a whole community of people who would like to get to know you. I need to remind myself of that, too. You've got love enough to share with lots of folks. Folks who would APPRECIATE and CHERISH what you have to offer.
Glad you're doing some reading. Sounds like a wonderful book. I'll have to get a copy for myself.
Hang in there. The beauty of this board is that, though we may show up with the same old story, the people here are patient as we walk through the mess and try to find our way out of it.
Welcome back to the room! You see the picture clearly alright and it's okay to do the right thing with what you see. I've told some of my sponsees that all phones I have seen have an OFF button and it's there to be used. Some of them were actually stunned and asked, "You mean turn the phone off, not just don't take the call?" My reply was obvious..."Your cell phone is just like a needle to a heroin addict. When you take the call you get a fix; turn the phone off and practice courage and trust and letting go and letting God." Some could and some couldn't for a while. The ones that could got many minutes and hours of program growth instead of a fix/relapse.
The suggestions of more meetings and a sponsor were real caring and compassionate. When I got them I followed thru on them and I felt just as Aloha shared about more meetings a couple days ago.
simple and sweet, what got him in the slammer? He is there to be miserable for his crime, so in my book we all need to answer for the crime, by having the consequences. It is how we all learn.
Trust that intuition, it is usually right. What would doing anyting for him be constituted as taking care of you?Just him asking has upset you.
Personally I think the disease robs them of caring. Ultimately it robbed me of caring too. I lived ate slept in a pit of really dark resentment. I am not going there anymore.
I do know some A's seem to know how to mooch very very well. Some of them change that in recovery others don't. Being dry is not being in recovery.
For me I had to stop looking at his behavior his actions as a reflection on me, they were a reflection on his disease not on my self worth.
I know for me it was very hard to say no but the more I said it the easier it got.
Thanks as always for the responses. I have missed this so much. Reading your posts has given me some perspective- something you def forget when dealing in isolation with the A- or maybe like an addict I was on a binge and just didn't care about the truth. Harsh but true. I hear the advice about going to a F2F, but am still scared of that prospect. Same thing with a sponsor. Or maybe I am not ready to go there or maybe just lazy- or maybe I am just being selfish to get the input and support of you all- because it helps me so much- and not doing the sacrifice of f2f meetings. If I was making excuses which ring true for me it would be that with a almost four year old, house, and work going to evening meetings is just not feasible right now...but maybe that sounds hollow to you all. I do worry that you all will soon tire of me, but am grateful for the support and input that is so compassionately given.
Co we try not to judge; especially judge harshly. God knows we've shared the same emotions and thoughts that you have shared also. I know I have. We're not about guilt either cause that is a dishonest manipulator of another persons spirit. You will get there when You get there. If you don't there are one set of consequences. If you do there are another set of consequences. "Often our choices should be about what consequences we want" (compliments of an earlier sponsor...he was soooo wise and good). Keep coming here and getting ESH. (((((((HUGS))))))) What we do best is love unconditionally.
All I know is that I have been right where you are so many times. I know I would never go back to that place again now. It takes whatever it takes for you to get sick and tired of the same ol same ol. You'll know it when the time comes. As for attitude, when you stop doing what they want and start doing what YOU want they usually don't like that too much. But it also brings right to the forefront how selfish and mean they can be. I think a lot of times we just go along with the flow just to avoid the meanness and selfish behavior and get that false feeling of being loved.
