What is WRONG with me? - Al-Anon Family Group

paulaque · Member

What is WRONG with me?

SLS · Senior Member

Welcome back and good for you for going to meetings!! It is such an important part of recovery. I know that when I feel stuck (like I do today), I have to remind myself that this is a program of action....

So, when I am stuck in my head and obsessing about things outside of my control, I try to ask myself: Am I talking with my sponsor on a regular basis?? Am I applying the Steps and Traditions in my daily life?? Where am I in working the Steps?? Am I active in service work (there is a great CAL book called "When I Got Busy, I Got Better"--it really helped me)?? Am I calling people on my home group phone list when I am in crisis?? Am I taking care of myself (eating healthy, exercising)?? Am I ignoring HALT by allowing myself to get too hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired?? Am I reading my CAL literature like "Courage to Change."

It sounds trite, but the program really works if you work it!! Hang in there, keep coming back and remember that there is Hope!!

Yours in recovery,

SLS

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Because I have been really "stuck" for the past two days specifically and generally for the past 3 years, I hesitate to respond but I will because maybe it will help you to know it happens to all of us. I am currently rolling around in my mind something that is not only not under my control but really has no bearing on my life today.
Ahhha Here is what I think I will do. Turn it over to HP and ask for his help to get on with my day.
I wish I could figure it out or get some peace about it... then give it to HP, after I get it all figured out and fixed LOL. I am now laughing at me a little, they say that is a good sign. That if you can laugh at your mistakes you are healing?

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

paulaque wrote:
I can see my husband emotionally damaging my kids (we're 16 yrs married) but I don't know what to do about it, he just ties me in knots. I really do feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, I know and accept that I can't control his behaviour but I'm not strong enough to get up and leave.

I'm still stuck and every day that passes the guilt I carry for my children gets more unbearable.
I'm sorry about leaving such a long rant

Hello Paula,
First of all you are not boring us with expressing your feelings... that is what we are here for. I hate that you are feeling this way, but it sounds like your eyes are wide open. So glad you found your face to face meetings and they are helping you.
"I feel like I am fighting a losing battle".... well I'd say you are right. That was a hard realization that I myself recently came to. In the Preamble there is a sentence that states. We have become irritable and unmanageable because we have tried to force solutions over and over again... we don't even realize how irritable and unmanageable we can become.

You may not feel strong enough to leave at this time and that is o.k. What you can do is keep working on yourself and sharing yourself and the changes you make with your children. If your children need counseling do what you can to get them to that counseling. Eventually a solution will present itself. Sometimes the solution comes quickly and other times it may take what seems forever. I am learning to live my life each day and maintain some sanity and serenity regardless of what my husband chooses to do with his life. I don't do it perfectly and I still mess up a bit but it's progress not perfection. Keep up the good work and keep looking for the alternatives in your life just as it is now. Do what you can to bring a bit of joy to the children. Do what you can to bring some joy to you. Remember your children have a HP too that is with them looking out for them... the healthier you get the healthier they will get.

Thank you for sharing with us.
Peace,
Shaun

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I tend to stick with I'm 100% responsible for me rather than what my responsibility is in a relationship. Then I can pull back and look at "me" rather than focus on what I am doing in a particular relationship. Certainly for me in my relationship with the A I felt absolutely over responsible for everything and he held me accountable for everything and he was accountable for nothing.

I also felt for a long time when I first joined these rooms that I was not moving fast enough. In fact I was percolating the program for a long time. Some skills for me took quite a while to get a hang of, detachment being one of them.

I had to personally start small and build up. Leaving the A took me years.

I can't beat myself up for that. Making recovery friends is difficult which is why I find this room so helpful.

maresie.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back,

When reading your post, the thing that came to mind for me was you need to work the first step in order to be able to even move forward.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol... that our lives had become unmanageable.

There was no way I was going to be able to get help and start working on changing me until I could admit I had absolutely NO control over others - let alone the actual physical substance of alcohol.

Once I was able to do that, it released me from feeling like I had to control everything around me.

That was my informal way of working step one.

I've now got a sponsor, though - only had her about two weeks, and now she's going to formally have me work the steps. So, back to step one with me - which is fine by me!

Her instruction to me is to ask my HP every day in my morning prayers/mediation to show me when and where my life is unmanageable and where and when I'm powerless over things. So, I'm doing that. Started that yesterday, in fact, and even THEN, I was almost immediately shown by another MIP member here where something I'd been thinking was a metaphor for my life being unmanageable. Wishing my AH would just go away was a very obscure way of me saying "Hey. This sucks. My life isn't working."

How often do you get to face-to-face meetings? I recommend an Al-Anon-athon. Hit as many as you can in the next week... trust me, you'll hear things that will start to make it all "click".

-- Edited by Aloha at 15:33, 2008-04-10

paulaque · Member

thank you all so much, found a lot in your replies that I can use. I'm still having trouble knowing what is and is not my business. For instance, usually when hubby feels like having a rant, I sit and listen and give all the required responses because I want our home to be happy and peaceful.
Now here's where I get into trouble, I know that if I don't provide this vent for him, he'll vent it elsewhere. So today when this started I calmly stated that I would not listen to shouting or swearing anymore, when this behaviour didn't stop I left the room and he followed so I went for a drive. My two teenage sons were at home at this time so I'd left hubby with them. I didn't want to disrupt their day by ordering them to come with me.
I managed to stay away for about 20mins, all the time praying that the boys were ok (no physical abuse has taken place-all verbal and emotional)
When I returned, hubby had calmed down but a door was jammed and this happens when it is slammed so something happened. When I asked my boys was everything ok they said yea -but they might not want to "tell on" their Dad.
Is it my responsibility to stop him from harming our kids, if so I can see only two ways of doing this. I either leave and take them with me or I enable his behaviour for a quiet life. I really don't want to do either. I guess I'll just pray that another solution shows itself but in the meantime I just don't know.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I feel incredibly guilty about is that the A would rant and rave and throw stuff around a lot when he wanted something. I eventually after years of being here learned not to play into it. In fact I got good at cutting it short. At the same time my dogs lived with that. They really really suffered as a result. They are jumpy, nervous and have ptsd.

The issue was and is I could not have left a moment sooner. I do my best these days to make it up to my dogs but there is damage there.

Ironically enough knowing the damage he did to my dogs is one of the reasons I no longer will deal with the A. I lived, ate breathed and slept denial before.

Maresie.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not a parent, so I have no idea where to apply things in relation to protecting your kids. But one thing to remember is there is also Alateen, and I'm sure your kids could really, REALLY use going to those meetings, too, so they can also be okay even if dad is yelling and slamming doors around them.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

They're teenagers - ask them what THEY would like. "I'm practicing not just sitting there when dad rants and raves anymore, and sometimes that's going to mean I'll go for a drive. When that happens, would you like me to come and get you first? Or just leave? I'm concerned about leaving you guys alone in a violent environment."

See what they say. Might open an honest dialogue about the whole thing.

And they're certainly old enough to also learn to calmly say, "I'm not going to listen to screaming or swearing anymore." Well done.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

paulaque wrote:

My two teenage sons were at home at this time so I'd left hubby with them. I didn't want to disrupt their day by ordering them to come with me.
I managed to stay away for about 20mins, all the time praying that the boys were ok (no physical abuse has taken place-all verbal and emotional)
When I returned, hubby had calmed down but a door was jammed and this happens when it is slammed so something happened. When I asked my boys was everything ok they said yea -but they might not want to "tell on" their Dad.
Is it my responsibility to stop him from harming our kids

Sadly, I often threw my oldest daughter under the bus, as Dr. Phil would say, by continuing to keep her in an environment that was abusive. No, he never physically hit her, but she got to see me beaten many times, never mind all the horrid emotional/mental abuse heaped on both of us.

Now that daughter is 30 years old, an active alcoholic/addict herself. She's lost custody of her own children, is in and out and in and out of jail, and never lives in one place more than a few months.

I have come to accept that she IS an adult and has made the choice to deal with life through alcohol/drugs. I didn't cause her addictions, I can't control them, nor can I cure them.

However, I have also had to accept my part in the damages she suffered early in her life because I picked an abusive alcoholic/addict over the well-being of my daughter. That was a huge part of my moral inventory I did through this program.

That's a tough pill to swallow, and it's taken a long time for me to forgive myself for that and have peace of mind.

paulaque · Member

Update:

hubby made a booking weeks ago to go into rehab on the 22nd(next monday)
he's now trying to wriggle out of going-using every trick in the book.

becoming soooo abusive that i swear he's trying to push me into moving out-then he'll have to close the business if he goes, which of course he'll say is out of the question.

He told eldest son(17yrs) to leave today and he did, i hadn't the heart to disuade him cause i know he'll only get more abuse from hubby.

Am breaking my heart thinking about him, he's staying with my parents but he's a big softie and i know he'll miss us all.

Am also ANGRY AS HELL, how dare A cause all this upheaval.

Only reason i'm still here is for rest of kids, they're already upset about everything and having to leave their home just isn't fair, but if he doesn't go to rehab we're LEAVING.

At the moment i don't know if i'll stick it till monday.

Will keep you posted and THANKS AGAIN

paulaque · Member

Hi All and thanks so much for your support.

Hubby went to rehab and is due back friday-3 days time.
Things are going well, I'm really working my program but have been seriously busy with kids, family, business etc. I'm looking forward to handing back my husbands responsibilities.

When I now read my first post here on this topic I see it as a fantastic yard stick and reality check. I so need this programme and it has become THE most important thing in my life because without it my life just falls apart.

I'm LIVING and LOVING each and every single day, good ones, sad ones bad ones happy ones- the lot.

I know where my road is taking me, I don't know where my husband's road is taking him and it's none of my business, I'm staying on course no matter what.

I feel so liberated because my fear has gone, I'm not afraid of anyone's feelings or reactions anymore because they belong to them, not me, so they can keep them.

I'm behaving with respect and dignity as much as I can towards myself and everyone else I come in contact with and it feels GREAT!

Thank you all so much again and thank you HP for ALanon XX

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.