HOW TO HANDLE RAGE?? - Al-Anon Family Group

roxygirl · Member

HOW TO HANDLE RAGE??

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yeah, I can relate. My AH is this way- when I stop engaging he gets worse. There is no way to gain any kind of peace or serenity unless you just leave. Walk away. Hang up. Get out of dodge. That is my ESH. Hugs, J.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Roxy, I posted this in your other thread, but in reading your post here, I also want to add:

You think he feels like he has won. The fact that you said there's any kind of winning or losing tells me you're battling him, too. Sounds like you want to "win" something, too.

The thing for you to think about is this:

When you tell him it's unacceptable for him to yell and scream at you, what are you looking for when you tell him that? If you're looking for him to suddenly have a lightbulb light up in his head and "understand" you and then tell you he's sorry, then you're simply trying to control him. Trying to "make him" see that he's behaving poorly.

If you want to tell him it's unacceptable for him to yell at you like that, then go ahead and say it, but don't stick around to make sure he "gets it". Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope the moment you've said your piece, calmly leave the room (no dramatics), go for a walk somewhere, just get out of his presence so you can collect yourself and give yourself some serenity.

I was reading in the AA book yesterday, and this really stuck with me. It's in the metaphor of an alcoholic using alcohol to solve his problems, but I took it in the al-anon way of my old ways of arguing and manipulating to solve problems:

...like a man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so he can't feel the ache.

I view my arguing with my AH and trying to get him to "understand" me just about as effective as the metaphor of beating myself on the head with a hammer. All it does is cause a lot of stress and pain for me and my AH. So why take up the fight?

So I'm working on taking the path of least resistance - which is actually through ME. Trying to push through my AH, I'm just met with barrier after barrier after barrier... but me? If I go through me I can choose to take down the barriers to get myself out.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

there are a lot of al anon slogans that apply. Let go of the rope. You don't have to be in a power struggle over it. Do you have to make him see he is self destructive. I certainly tried with the A. He continues to be self destructive and i have not been living with him for a year now.

What does it matter what he thinks. It matters how you feel. Self preservation is an art. Detaching helps. It takes a lot of practice to do it. Practising with the hardest stuff is really hard. Practice with the easy stuff first.

Detaching also means you do not have to feel abused.

Toby Rice Drews has a lot of good stuff in her books on Alcoholism, Melody Beattie has a lot of stuff in her books.

Pia Melody also has a lot of stuff in her books about focusing on the self.

Identifying the triggers helps. It seemd to me that nearly everything the A did triggered me. I worked through them. I work through my "triggers" daily. There is innumerable stuff I can over react to. I choose not to. That's a daily choice rather than a blanket pronouncement. Sometimes it is really really hard not to "go there" but I do it becaused to be so "off" is totally disabling.

The A I was with continues to call me (even though I have told me x number of times not to). Do I feel abused? Not any more because I don't take his actions personally. He can self destruct he is not taking me with him anymore.

Maresie.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Roxy... you betcha I can relate. My AH is notorious for going into these rages. I agree engaging your son in conversation while he is that upset is futile. Nothing can be accomplished in that state of mind and he is probably not filtering in the total message you are trying to send. My AH has filters on everything and he gets quite defensive on a daily basis. It is exhausting living with someone who has that much rage and anger, but truly it is not your problem and you don't have to put up with that unacceptable behavior.

When my AH goes into a fit or a rage... I calmly say I don't appreciate your yelling and what you are saying this conversation is over until you are able to calm down and we can speak calmly about it. I walk away out of the room, hang up on him if we're on the phone, sometimes I leave the house and take the kids with me. The boys and I talk about their Dad's outburst and they say to me Mommy... I don't like it when Daddy gets grumpy but I still love him. I make sure they know that there Dad is not made at anything I've done or that they've done... he is just not in a good place that day. They know now that when he feels better then they can enjoy his time.

No that your son's rage has nothing to do with you... he has not learned to cope yet with his own emotions... if he is your A... this will take a long long time I'm told before he may ever lose those filters and be able to cope with his own emotions. Walking away, hanging up, leaving the house, is all self-preservation. My AH will try and lay the guilt on me about you walk away and I can't even talk to you... well that was not talking that was yelling and I don't have to take it. When he hangs up on me in a rage... I don't answer the phone for several hours to allow his anger to cool and the some rational thinking to return. It's o.k. to agree to disagree even if your son is not ready to do that... you can let him know... hate that you feel that way, but..... I feel for you... its so frustrating do deal with this... but I am learning too that its better to disengage and remove myself completely from the area until the smoke has cleared... better for me, better for the kids, and even better for AH.

Hugs,
Twinmom~

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