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Had a pretty powerful ACA meeting last night. I got to one point where I was reading from the "From Survival To Recovery" book, and came to a point where a woman's AH had died and she just felt relieved.
I very painfully and tearfully admitted during the meeting that I sometimes felt that way, too... that I'd just be relieved if my my AH weren't around any more. I felt it was a horrible, vile thing to even think, being glad of someone's passing. But I had to admit it, regardless. It just kind of blurted out of me.
So I was pretty emotional about it. I'd said it towards the end of the meeting. I had a couple friends and my sponsor come up and give me a hug after the meeting and let me know it was okay for me to admit to those feelings - what Al-anon member hasn't felt that way at some point in time?
So, I did my best to compose myself after the reassuring words from friends. The meeting's only a five minute drive from my home, so I knew I'd be home quickly before I could completely be feeling better.
I should have just gone for a scenic drive or something afterwards.
I came home, my eyes were kind of red, but that was it. I tried to not be hostile to my AH, but I know I was a bit distant. I can't fake being chipper to him after not long before thinking I'd be happy if he were gone.
AH asks me why my eyes are red, and I just told him "it was an emotional meeting".
I thought he was satisfied with that, but later on, he tells me "You shouldn't be coming home upset from those meetings. I don't like it. They're supposed to make you feel better." (and this is not said in a caring way, it's in a "I get to tell you how you're supposed to feel" kind of tone.) and he adds "I hope you don't come home from them like this all the time."
Old me is ready to throw off the boxing gloves and knock him flat verbally.
Recovery me just keeps silent, recognizing the fear and discomfort behind those masked demands. AH knows damn well he likely plays some sort of role in how I'm feeling at that moment.
But around him, as far as he's concerned, I'm not supposed to or not allowed to be unhappy about deep stuff. Especially if he plays any part in it.
Too bad for him. He can convince himself he gets to command my emotions, but he doesn't.
I never did take his bait - didn't argue with him about it, nor did I tuck tail and make a ridiculous promise I can't possibly keep. All I told him was, "These meetings are about healing, and emotional stuff will come up." and that was it.
I did feel mad, though. Mad at his childish demand. (He really did sound like a bratty, demanding 5 year old). But again, didn't say anything to him about it. Just took myself to a calm place in my mind where AH just doesn't really exist at all. Let him think he has a say in how I can and cannot feel emotionally. I don't believe his crap for a minute. He has no control over me, just as I have no control over him.
Anyhow, it's left me feeling kind of down today, though. Wishing I had that fantasy relationship where if I came home looking unhappy, I'd get a quiet reassuring hug and that was all. Nobody telling me how I'm allowed to "feel".
I think you are right that there was fear behind his words. I'm sorry you hurt and I hope deep down he is too and maybe just can't bring himself to say. I think your an open brave person to say what you said at the meeting. Do you read the "big book" the blue one? I started it today and it is helping me. I would hate being helpless over a substance that hurt my family I would hate it enough to begin to hate myself! I would then say horrible things and act mean even when not drinking. HP must know I would be the worst Ah because I have so much emotion anyway but no way I could handle all that guilt!! Love and care, Keep working it!
I've actually started reading the book yesterday (my Sponsor gently reminded me I'm supposed to be reading from it).
It does help to remind me that he has a ton of guilt he's dealing with (or trying to bury - AH never likes to deal with difficult emotions). And I definitely recognize his BS commanding to just be his fear talking through him.
It's so great having these Al-anon tools, though. If I didn't have the program, I'd be getting beaten down emotionally by my husband constantly. I'm sure I'd reach a breaking point and divorce him... run back home to Colorado... try to put my life back together... and then probably end up with the same man with just a different face all over again.
I don't want to take that path, though... that's why I'm here, and that's why I'm working hard to not allow my husbands fear-laced demands bring me down.
His mom and his brother (4 years sober in AA and an Al-anon member!!!) are coming out in a couple weeks. I can't wait. It'll be a nice reprieve from being the center of my AH's attention (or at least to focus of my AH's uncomfortable feelings). It'll take a lot for me to remain composed and not dump everything on AH's brother about what's been going on, though. I'm just ecstatic knowing another person in Al-anon and AA who deeply cares about my AH is going to be here, too. It'll feel like I've got some support.
I know some part of me is hoping AH's brother might say something to him to kick him out of his funk, but I don't see that happening right now. AH is back to his old "comfortable" ways, sans drinking (he's been sober as far as I know, but there's no guarantees to that... if he's drinking, he doesn't do it around me and he doesn't come home drunk or anything). So because he's back in his comfort-zone, I doubt there's much of anything that can be said to him that would really do any good.
So, at the same time, I'm sure my brother in law will probably not say much of anything to AH at all in regards to his drinking. He really shouldn't. Not his place. So I need to keep THAT in mind, too, so I don't get my hopes up and become disappointed in BIL.
But sure would be nice to snag a little private time to talk with him. Don't know if that'll happen or not. But I do have his phone number if I ever really do need to talk.
((((Aloha))))) I've had those same feelings. I've never admitted them to anyone - but I've had them. When my A was in the worst grips of his disease years ago, I actually prayed for HP to take him. I thought it would be merciful. I didn't pray that prayer with glee, but with overwhelming sadness.
Fortunately for my A, I am not his HP, because he would have been a goner YEARS ago. lol
oh aloha, I have read that book- its really intense! so incredibly painful. You are a brave girl to be tackling that one, you.
Gee, I lost count of the number of times I have been in meetings where members say they wish their A's would pass away and leave them in peace. I am talking like 100's of times- so you are SO NOT alone in those thoughts!!! We have all felt this at one time or another, believe me. Its so hard and painful to watch this disease progress. Part of us want some peace but to be honest, a part of me wants the peace of passing for my A's, too- like if they would pass, they could finally rest (see, I am thinkin' I know what is best for them, even in DEATH!! LOL!).
Its so hard to love an A. I sometimes think it might be the hardest thing in the whole world. Hugs, J.
Aloha...hard as it might sound I am happy that you had that emotional moment. I had them too and then I found out that what I felt and how I saw the thing that caused the emotional break were just a bit out of focus. I learned that pain is a part of living with this disease and pain makes me cry. That's okay just as you were told.
I learned to let my alcoholic have a reaction or two toward what I was and wasn't doing after all wasn't I having reactions? Bingo!! I'm human and she's human also...that leveled the playing ground in my head.
I learned also with the help of my sponsor to identify my "wife" from my "alcoholic" those are two separate identities and I learned very well who it was in front of me so that I could "respond" not "react" properly. Awesom lesson. Wishing for the alcoholics death is a metaphor for our powerlessness. It means that we cannot handle the situation and we want the whole thing to stop. Death is a metaphor for stop or end.
When I learned that I learned to love the alcoholic and hate the disease. I loved her and hated what she did while under the influence of alcoholism. That was so much different than the Jerry F that came into program and then I had made the very same decision that you made...go for "GROWTH". Keep going for it Aloha...You're worthy.
It was interesting to me when a therapist shared that she had two friends marriad to alcoholics. One A died and his wife may have been relieved after all the chaos but she also felt she had done everything she could through al anon to make his life and hers as good as it could be. She was at peace with her part in it all. The other friend divorced her AH, removed herself from most of the chaos and still struggled to find peace for herself but relied on al anon and continued to make progress.
I think the point the therapist was trying to make to me over a year ago was that it is very hard to become sane when you live in insanity. I needed to figgure out a way to just deal with it and I finally started attending al anon. Al anon has given me tools to use for acceptance & action where therapy helped me become aware.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
One thing to remember... is that many active A's really don't want US to get better, as that poses a threat to the world they are currently enmeshed in.... So sometimes when he dismisses (or worse) your program, he's really saying "stay sick with me".....
I was able to use this as a springboard, as I tend to be a fairly competitive person, and once I understood that my A was using me in this way, I became even MORE determined to get better - in part, at least, to spite her!!! Whatever works :)
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Shoot, Aloha, I haven't just thought that my life would be better if he'd die, I've wished him dead. I have even had moments of contemplating killing him myself. That was a bottom for me for sure. SO, nothing to feel guilty about. Honesty with ourselves is such an important part of our recovery. And Alanon is the safest place to be honest as we have all been there. I like what Tom said. That was so true with my ex. He even said to me on many occasions that he was worried that I was getting better and that would lead to my leaving him as he wasn't really making any progress in his program. And that is eventually what happened. Good luck. I do believe it says in the Big Book that a relative cannot get an A sober. I like the Big Book alot but I never got too into it as I am an alanon not an AA. I have my own program and my recovery is the most important. Lois's story is the one that resonates with me, not Bill's.
Wishing for the alcoholics death is a metaphor for our powerlessness. It means that we cannot handle the situation and we want the whole thing to stop. Death is a metaphor for stop or end.
That was great, Jerry. I really liked that.
I'm glad that you said what you did, too. My sponsor told me she thinks I'm ready to really start officially working the steps, and this morning she told me every morning for step one to ask my HP to show me where and when I am powerless and my life is unmanageable.
I started asking it immediately after I got off the phone with her - wrote it down, sent myself an email so I could write it down at home...
So it's great that you said that, it helps me to see my occasional wishing for AH to just "go away" is my feeling the whole powerlessness over the situation with him.
((((Alohoa)))) I'm new and have no advice to offer (sorry) but wanted to say I have often found myself thinking the same thing - that things would be so much easier if my AH would just die. I have never admitted this to anyone until now and thought I am just a terrible person for even thinking that. I have told my AH that if he was trying to kill himself there were quicker ways. I guess I thought I was unique but reading through the boards here I realize that everything I'm going through is, for lack of a better word, "normal" in these situations. Good luck and you are not alone!
