The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post and I just joined a online group yesterday. I have a AH that I have been married to for 19 years. I am frustrated with the amount of money he spends from our account. I exported it today to see the amount on a weekly basis and it sickens me. I ordered the books recommended so I have not received them yet. My first instinct is give him the exported bank summary so he can see what he is spending. I am stressed out and needs some advice.
Alanon teaches us to take care of us,to focus on what we feel,and encourages us in our finding our own way to deal with the A in our lives.
In saying that, believe me he knows what he spends. They are very sick and feel guilty enough.
I would ask myself what good would it do?
For me, when I lived with my ah, I had my own account. The disease, as it gets worse, tends to suck every one around it dry in many ways.
We have a chat room here,two meetings a day and we pm each other to talk one on one.
This site will help you so much.
I was almost made homeless before I got ahold of myself and began totally taking care of me again.Sadly for me, I married him late in life, after being very independant, thinking we would have a "normal" share everything marriage.
Good idea. I have done the same thing with my spouse just so that we are both on the same page and that my awareness and experience can be spoken and heard. Then I kill all expectations for the moment and turn it over to HP. My HP knows my needs and heart. I turn it over. The finances are a big big trigger for my anger that usually comes out before my thinking and knowing the whole story.
For me, my A would do that and I opened a bank account without his name on it and transferred all the money there. I had full control of all the money and he had a credit card for his spending for gas and cigarettes, etc that I would pay off at the end of every month. When he would go off on a runner I would cancel the card but not before he put hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars on it. I also cosigned vehicle loans with him, I will never put myself in that position again. So in my expereience it is best to protect yourself from them financially, have an account with your own money in it just in case, don't put your name on anything with theirs. That has been my lesson.
I do have the account attached to the main account that is a bill account, no atm and doesn't protect the other account, but he still spends and bounces. Every week he says we are not going to go anywhere to spend money. He can't stay home on the weekends either.
We use to have completely separate accounts and he was in charge of the mortgage and I was always having to cover it. We ride to work together to save money and it bugs me that I am saving money for him to drink. I also feel riding with him sort of controls me from doing things on my way home. I have one week to be done with my Bachelors degree and I plan on focusing on going to the gym. Hopefully this will help to get my agressions out.
I plan to begin on attending meetings because I sure could use them. Thanks
Finances have always been a big trigger for me. We use to own 2 homes and my plan was to pay one off with the other, but he spend so much money that I am always taking us out of binds with cards and home equities. There is no where else to run, that is why I am here. No matter how much I tell him what we need to do to get out of debt he always says okay but never shows actions.
He use to have a credit card and I was always cancelling them and track him down through the transactions. He didn't care, it was worse than because he didn't have to worry about there not being money in the account.
Frustration is a hard one. Money troubles go hand in hand for many of us with alcoholism. I ended up in deep trouble. I also have to say I did not manage my frustration at all. I drowned in it. There are ways to do that, channel your anger, put money aside for yourself. Make a plan b. Detach, detach and then detach some more.
Making a plan b is a hard one but it was a great distraction for me. I did not act on it for a long time but it was very soothing when I was up to my neck in rage and anger. It was a great diversion.
Raid, my AH spends around 15-20,000 YEARLY on overdrafts (this is more than I make, yearly). It completely sickens me. He does not believe that he needs to be held accountable for any of that. he has money and that is how he chooses to spend it- its his choice. he is correct. i did not earn that money. Neither did he. But it belongs to him. He is cool with it all. Loves paying the bank all that money every year (so he says)
I, on the other hand, feel SICK about this.
This is MY feeling and MY reaction and MY problem.
HIS money he can spend any way he wants!!!
I AM THE ONE HAVING THE PROBLEM! This is why I need a program!! I also just found out that he did not pay taxes the year that he sold a monstrous piece of real estate. Now WE owe ALOT of money in taxes. He says he will pay it. He has the money. I have to trust him. I let it go to HP for now.
NOW, I get to decide if I want to stay legally connected to him. BECAUSE this is a huge issue for ME, I am leaning towards divorce. I simply cannot LIVE with dealing with money this way. Also, I now am seeking a job that will support me and then some. My perceptions of him and how he deals with money are that he wastes a lot and never saves (ME taking HIS INVENTORY: DISTORTED THINKING). He came with money, he was born with money, he never knew what it was like to never have any money. I, on the other hand, came from little money and always had to save for the things I wanted. We are just in two very different worlds and this may be irreconcilable. I have yet to decide this. This decision will be mine.
This program provides me with a framework to de-tangle the alcoholics from ourselves and focus on ourselves. What is best for me in this situation? It seems to me (at this point in time) that the best move is to get divorced and one (not the only, believe me) of the reasons is because I simply cannot get comfortable with the way he deals with blowing money in the manner that he does. This is my choice, my issue, etc. I know that I need a more cohesive, conservative approach to spending and saving, a partnership where we both make calm, simple, long-range plans and arrangements. I have come to accept that this is not possible with this particular person.
He loves to blow money and give it all to the bank and the tax people (remember interest) but when it comes to giving me any, I need to beg and beg and get on my hands and knees (literally). He has given me some money and I am grateful but I have paid for every penny many times over in the level of humiliation, etc. I then decided that I needed to change me in regards to this and i have- thanks to this program. I ask once, in writing, and now he just says no. At least now I know what I am dealing with and its a brief exchange. I am resourceful (remember, I was the one that grew up w/o much money and have worked all my life since I was 13 earning and saving to spend) and I know I can take care of myself.
When AlAnon suggests that we take care of us and leave the A to his own devises, I don't think that means to blithely ignore the fact that the accounts are being depleted. And "concentrate on how YOU feel." I'd probably feel like killing him!!! He may be sick, and he may feel guilty, but that doesn't cut any ice when he is wrecking the finances.
Now, that nonsense dispensed with, I think what I would do is establish an account into which would go my money, and his name would not appear on that account. If he wants to spend his money on liquor or drugs there might not be much you can do, but you CAN control his spending of what you work hard for.
I like this quote from Jean4444's reply...
"...I simply cannot get comfortable with the way he deals with blowing money in the manner that he does."
Right she is, and you should not even attempt to become comfortable with it. Anyone who actually believes that the A can run roughshod over us while we do nothing but "concentrate on ourselves" is foolish.
You hang in there tough. And keep your eyes and your hands on what is yours!!!!
Good luck. I'll keep you close in my thoughts.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
To clarify, to focus on us and how we feel and take care of us, Diva is exactly what you suggested.
What i mean by that is, if you don't feel comfortable how things are, take care of you.That may be getting your own accounts, your own bedroom.
When I felt frustrated by him saying he did not get paid, I decided to heck with it. I am not giving him money,he can go get his pay.
Thinking of me,doing for me.
Taking care of ourself, does not just mean candles and herby erby lol baths and new nightgowns. and chocolate, and feather comforters...and and
It can be making sure we survive and protect our self from the diseased A's bologna.
When we are so sick and in the pit, we tend to forget our feelings, our needs and wants. Until we get back in touch with our SELF we will not become aware of what changes we can make to get out and stay out of the pit.
