The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister the drunk wanted to confront her 13 yr old son about stealing from her. Tommorow is 1st day back at school from holidays in australia, he's booked into counselling there, he's angry at her and does this stuff because of her - but doesn't really know what is swrong with her. Not a good time to confront him, he's likely to run off and not go to school. I told her to wait until he gets back to school and gets counselling and finally said it's because of her problems and he's also angry at me for not doing something about her drinking. Now she has turned on me like a bully, so nasty, hard, mean and blames me for everything, and has told him not to go near me or speak to me, told me not to feed him for goodness sakes - when for weeks it's all I have been doing. She is even angry I haven't given her more money, I sold some of my vacations to pay her rent. We all share a house. She is now calling me a pyscho and that she is going to get a restraining order, she's crazy and is driving me insane. I want to throw her out, but I can't just hurt the kid. I doubt she has long to live from her drinking and her abusive sometimes partner she sees elsewhere. I think I need to get child protection involved, don't know wha to do. It's making me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
Kes. there is not a darned thing you can do about your sister's drinking problem, her attitude, or her turning on you. They always have to find someone else to blame for their addiction. You were convenient. Please try not to be hard on yourself as a result. That's playing right into her hand. Stand strong, but be there for her should she decide the time has come for her to face her own demons.
As to your nephew...that's a tough one. If you have been caring for him all along, it is probably best that you continue to do so. The kid needs someone, and it appears you are that someone. Yep, he is angry. At his age, he doesn't understand. They think they know everything at his age, but.....nope. Is his dad involved in his life?
Last, but far from least, you feel like you are going to have a heart attack. I have been there and felt like that myself. You MUST relax and breathe. You have not caused any of this, and you can't control it. You surely cannot cure it!!! But you CAN control your reactions to her raving. Some say, do not take it personally. Sounds so easy...but not quite as easy as it sounds. Are you involved with AlAnon? If not, can you find an AlAnon group to join? The boy too. Both of you can gain so much insight into the tragedy of alcoholism.
I will keep all of you in my positive thoughts and prayers.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:37, 2008-04-06
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'd try everything I can to stay out of the middle, that way you'll avoid the feelings as a whole. I'm sorry you're hurting. Try and keep in contact with your nephew--just the general "how's school? your classes ok?" kind of thing. we've had members in similar situations and they can attest that the children need stable members who are willing to be at the games, be at the parent teacher confrences, be the "bad guy" and do the grounding, yell at them whehn the grades dip, et cetera. They can attest that the kids come to realize that as the stable member, you become the ally the kid depends on for the bigger thing "I didn't get into the college I really wanted..." "I got into a car crash..." "I think my best friends using drugs..." and after all those are the things we really worry about right? But if the kid can't trust you with the really stupid stuff "do you like my mohawk?" then they're not gonna trust you with the really big stuff." Shwo the kid that, no matter what, you're here to stay, and you're on his side, even if he feels like you're a second coming of evil. We've supported members that have taken in kids after they've raised their own and are re raising children, and are loving them through that, they say it's rough. But they agree, or at least say here, they're finding the kids are showing a sense of relief/growth/ whatever. No matter what comes down th pike, keep us posted. We'll be here. And love you through it.
I like the feedback that was given to you. It worked for me also. My take from being a member of this program and having my own experiences is that it's okay for you to back away from something you obviously did not cause, obviously cannot cure and obviously cannot control. Just back away from it let your Higher Power have it all. Turn this bigger problem over to a Higher Power...Kes is not that power. If you don't that feeling of insanity that you are feeling will grow into proportions you cannot believe exist.
You are feeling insane. You are holding on to a very hot iron skillet. Let it go or else. The difficulty you might feel in doing that may very well be like the addiction your sister has for alcohol. She can't lay that down either. She's got an incurable disease. It can only be arrested by total abstinence. If she does and goes for help she might find recovery; if she doesn't she will find absolute insanity and death. You get the same choices and consequences. You've already reached the insanity. Where next? What remaining choices do you have? Leave it to the God of your understanding.
I've certainly been there done that. I argued, fought, remonstrated and fought some more with the A. These days I do not have such volatile relationships but its hard going for me. I can over react in a second. In fact when I look at my past which I will have to do in time for a fourth step I see a whole long string of over reactions.
My health certainly suffered with all this. I had to learn to detach and practice it day and night. I still do. When I over react I see it as a sign to detach detach detach. Detaching is so essential for me, I'd in obsession in a second without it.
I also have to make plan B's. I'm not out of the way of the A but nevertheless not living in an ideal situation. Making a plan b is essential for me.
As a codependent I want to "fix" things but I've had to learn I can't fix some things. First of all I have to fix me, make my home safe and comfortable (that is a huge task for me). I have to take care of me first in order to be of service to anyone.
Hi I just found this site and wow.... can I relate to you! My stomach started turning circles as I read your post. My sister is now in treatment and child protection is involved. I love those kids so much that I would do anything to protect them. They are 18, 14, and 6 years old and now living with their Dad (divorced from my sister). The 6 year old misses her Mom so much, but she just can't go back to living with her Mom who was also diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago. I was actually in a meeting in which I told my sister in front of the child protection worker that I thought it would be best to have her children removed from her care. Now my sister is very angry with me and says I owe her an apology for my "higher that thou" attitude. That really hurt but I felt I needed to speak the truth. I was married to an alcoholic for seven years, did attend Al Anon but felt "I didn't need it anymore" after we got divorced. Boy was I wrong. All the old feelings I had when living with my exhusband have been creeping back in. Thanks for listening - weird to say this but it was so nice to find this site and see how others are feeling the exact same way.
