For a long long time I did not realise that I had any anger at all. I was in denial. However, as time has passed and the longer I have been here in this family, I realise that I was angry over many things, events, and situations in my life as a result of the powerlessness I had over the A and alcohol.

I turned the anger inwards and was afraid of being angry, of showing anger and of admitting that I was angry. Anger did not give me the illusion of power, it made me feel bad, guilty, the lowest form of pond life. Anger seeped into my soul and sapped my strength and my spirit. Anger brought retribution and pain and physical injury and so, even righteous anger was not an option. I simply got into the habit of denial.

With the help of my Sponsor I have recognised that I have had angry issues and denial of these were stopping me from obtaining wholesome healing.

I have admitted to being angry, I have learnt how to work with the anger and I have recognised that I can turn that anger into a positive asset when I look at myself and not at the judgement within my anger. I do not have to deny it, nor do I have to justify it to myself; all I have to do is recognise, acknowledge and work manage it in order to rid myself of it.

Judgement is not for me, I have plenty to answer for in my own life without taking on the role of judge and jury of others. I cannot change what they did, or what they did NOT do. I can only change me, my future response, and the way I handle my past mistakes.

So, having acknowledged the anger in my life, and addressed the issues I am angry about, I now realise that serenity comes with letting go that anger, and not persecuting myself for feeling a perfectly human feeling. Once forgiven, totally forgiven. If I forgive myself I stay forgiven. And I learn to forgive myself, as I forgive others. I am worth that much.



To quote Courage to Change (p341), "...No one can control the insidious effect of alcohol, or its power to destroy the graces and decencies of life...But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives..." One Day at a Time in Al-Anon.



Wow, what a wonderful concept. The graces that I lacked and the indecencies of life that I suffered as a result of alcoholism can be removed from my life once I learn how to change me, by the grace of God.

Thank you Al-anon for introducing me to these concepts and this programme. I am still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. My life is gaining value, gaining purpose and looking healthier than it was this time last year. Day by day, I will keep walking towards that light. My decision, my free will, my choice.

Off to now.

Suzannah



-- Edited by Suzannah at 17:09, 2008-04-05