The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a few questions. Please forgive me as I am still new to all of this. First, I am a little confused about the program. I have read about the 12 steps and the "family" disease. I have to be honest though, when I first read that we go through the 12 steps I was sort of confused because as I read through them I was thinking that I'm not the one with the problem, he is. I sort of felt I was being punished for his problem. Again, I am being honest but I'm a bit confused by that but at the same time I'm new to this and don't fully understand.
Also, I don't want to feel like I'm justifying his behavior as being "ok". I feel there is a clear line between acceptance and enabling.
I also have my opinions about the "disease" aspect. I recently heard a doctor on an interview show say that Alcoholism is not a disease it's a dependency. I'm a bit confused about that also. Sometimes I think by using the word "disease" it makes the A feel that what they are doing is more"ok", if that makes any sense to anyone.
Also, are the AA meetings for the alcoholics different from the Al-anon meetings for the family members? I was confused after reading a post.
I hope I am not alone here. I guess I'm feeling a little bitter about all of this. I want to do what is best for me and my three young sons. I don't envision raising them with an A father. It is not an option. He is the one putting the beer in his own hand and raising the bottle to his own mouth. He has screwed up everything he/we had. For some reason I feel like the victim. Thanks for any support, encouragement, and help understanding.
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
You are absolutely in the right place. All the feelings you have described and the confusion is totally normal and most of us have felt that way, esp when we first came in the Al-Anon door.
The basic premise of our program is that I cannot force anyone to change themselves no matter how hard I try. I can however address the effect that this disease has had on me. In the welcome we read at my face2face group it states that our thinking has become distorted and we have become unreasonable without even realising it. How true this is. That half crazy feeling I got that seemed to scream inside me that I had to do something about this NOW or my life would blow up in my face, was unreasonable and distorted. That is just one of many examples that I could come up with to illustrate.
As far as the disease aspect, nothing excuses the bad behavior. An A will make any excuse until they are ready to work at sobriety. Being sick does not excuse anyone from doing bad things.
We learn how to install boundaries and protect ourselves. We learn how to take the focus of our entire lives off of them and put it back on ourselves where it belongs. We learn how not to be consumed by the insanity of a disease and a person that we have no control over.
Keep coming back. It takes time to absorb the program. We do not give advice or judge you here. We share our experience, strength, and hope. We understand what you are going through and how you feel because we have been where you are.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
