The material presented
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Hi all! I am new to this and would love any support. My husband (now of almost 16 years) I believe is an alcoholic and here is my story:
We have been married almost 16 years. We have 3 children. I was 18 when we married and he was 22. We have had a fairly good marriage for the most part and I always say it would be the "perfect marriage" if he did not drink. He only drinks beer but a lot of it. He starts drinking from the time he gets home from work at 3:30 until bedtime and usually consumes almost a 12-pack a day (weekends more). He has never abused me or the kids in any way. He has never missed work from drinking too much and in fact works a lot of overtime on the weekends, et cetera. He never asks for anything but does enjoy drinking and I guess that is why I have never really done anything about it. However, the older I get the wiser I get. He is VERY annoying to me when he has had too much to drink. One of my biggest complaints is with the kids. Because he is always drinking I am the one responsible for running kids here and there for different activities, et cetera. I work quite a bit and this just seems to put a lot more stress on me. He is not very involved with the children as far as their different activities, et cetara. He is a good dad but I really often wonder if he just does not know how to be a dad, if I am making any sense here.
Everything pretty much is left up to me. I do the bills, homework, dinner, housework, and most day-to-day chores. He will help when I ask him without a problem. I just get tired of asking as I feel this kind of stuff should just get done without asking.
Anyway, I am realizing that he is definitely drinking more and more every day. He usually goes to bed by 8:00 on the weekends simply because he has had too much to drink. Last weekend one of my children stayed up with me watching TV and that is when it really hit me, the years are numbered that they are going to be around and I really do not want to spend all my weekends and evenings sitting alone at night watching TV. I guess I am beginning to think I want more in life but I really want more in life with my husband. Anytime I have ever tried to approach the subject it just ends up on confrontation which I cannot stand. I really believe he knows he has a problem but has just not come to terms with doing anything about it.
Well, I hope I have not bored everyone with my issues and I really look forward to any advice!!!!
Thank you all.
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Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
You are absolutely in the right place being here. I've been here 3 years plus now. I live eat and sleep here. This is my lifeline to sanity. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. No one is bored with your issues. You are worth knowing. This place is a goldmine of help, sanity, compassion, love, intergrity and information.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I hope to get lots of support and advice here. I am in the beginning of this long process that I have to figure out how to undertake to make things better all around!
Thanks again.
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Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
Hi, and Welcome. You will never be boring here, we all understand and care about each other because what you described is the life that many of us lead or have led. This is a place that you can spill out your heart and know that you are not alone. I feel it helpful to read other postings to realize that what I'm feeling is not so crazy. Also reading information either on the internet or Melodie Beattie's books about 'codependency' are are an amazing resource. 'In person' meetings are the best, when and if, you are ready but for now this website can be a God send.
Welcome to the "family" dear. I've not been here long, but the love and support that is here is so important to me. Like Maresie it is my lifeline. The meetings are great, but does not replace the face to face meetings we all need. Please don't ever think you are boring us or are a burden or anything negative like that. We are here for eachother no matter how small or big the problem is. There isn't actual "advise" given here, just experience, strength, and hope. And lots of it. There is also understanding. Many people here have been through or are going through most if not exactly the same thing everyone else is. That's why we're here!!
Hi and welcome from another fairly new member of the family. This board is great but for in person support please find a face to face meeting of alanon. Even if you think you don't have time. Even if the first few times you go it doesn't seem for you. If you attend a group that seems not to fit your "style" or whatever find another, there are many. I am so glad I did!!
Your story is so much like mine I had to smile. Smiling is something I didn't do alot before alanon!
I still don't know what I will do but I know I can take each day at a time with help from alanon and I am working on me while I figure it out so now it doesn't seem like I'm wasteing time to be with someone who drinks for now I am living each day to make myself better and trusting my Higher Power above to direct the rest. But yes we do need to make choices and set boundries. We do deserve a full life. I have heard of those that now have sober husbands and I have heard of those that left ?? I know of many that find peace and support enough that they choose to stay with the person drinking or not!
Bottom line this group offers peace acceptance support and a path to finding direction. Please... keep coming back! And don't ever hesitate to "bore" anyone, we all draw strength from eachother here!
I am also new to this message board but an ancient "friend" of addiction. Far from being bored I'm facinated. lol While my story is different in many ways, it is similar in the essence of it--the pain and lonliness of realizing my husband's addition is running my life (and by osmosis my child's). Many are here to offer ESH (experience, strength and hope).
Thank you all! As I was writing everything I was wondering what everyone to think but I know now that I have come to the right place! Finally, a place for someone to actually listen to me. I really appreciate everyone's warm welcomes.
Well tonight is just the usual evening. Still the same everyday life just a different day. This weekend I am really going to take the time and read a lot of different stories to hopefully get some more incite into my own. I just do not know what the next step should be. Do I finally put my foot down and confront the situation? How do I confront the situation? I mean we have lived like this for so long that I almost feel it is every day typical life (even though deep down I truly know it is not). The thing is.... he is not a bad person, he is not abusive, he works every day, supports the family, and on, and on, and on but I also know that I cannoot live like this much longer. I feel that I am that puzzle piece that keeps everything together and when that puzzle piece is gone things are not going to be good.
Thanks again.
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Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
Welcome to MIP! Living with an alcoholic is never boring. We aren't boring because we are so busy juggling everything - kids, work, house, etc. Keep coming back. Lots of tools and skills for making a better life for you and your kids.
Again may I say welcome to MIP. You have come to the right place.
In my own case I started be first getting myself "Well". I read every piece of AlAnon literature that I could get my hands on. I started attending face to face meetings, and kept coming back here to post and read other posts.
A book I highly recommend is "Getting them Sober You can help" by Toby Rice Drews. Also One day at a Time in AlAnon, and Courage to Change, these are day by day readings which have helped me to cope with the madness of living with an alcoholic.
Keep coming back, we are here for you. Don't ever feel we would be bored by anything you would have to say.
Love and Blesings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Hi Helpwife, I'm glad you found our little corner of the internet :)
The first and hardest thing we have to accept is that we are powerless over the disease of alcoholism. You can no more make him stop drinking then he could make you start. I'm sure that's not what you were hoping to hear. Many come in to alanon thinking that we know a way to make them stop. Don't we wish!!! Unfortunately there is no magic. A confrontation will only cause drama, which we try to avoid. We find that keeping peace benifits us much more. What we do is make sure WE are taking care of ourselves and not enabling the alcoholic in any way. If it takes asking for him to help you relieve some of the mundane stress, then ask. Take a load off where you can. You're lucky you have one that will do it when asked..lol
There's much to learn and much to do on your journey. If there is any way possible you can get to a meeting, please do so. Are your children old enough to stay home so you can have 90 min. to yourself?
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I know going to a meeting will take some time for me. It took a lot of courage for me to even come here. I guess maybe I have been hiding the fact that I think my husband is an alcoholic. I really do not tell anyone this. We do not have many friends and I believe our family notices it but not to the extent as I see it as I tend to make excuses (which I know I should not be doing). Also, do you guys tell your spouses that you are a member of a group like this? I feell as I type this like I am having an affair or something. We have never kept secrets from one another but I am not sure how he would handle this if I told him I was a member of this group or that I was going to meetings.
H
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Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
I understand just how you feel. I live in a small town and was sure that everyone would know me but it turned out I didn't know anyone. Even when I eventually did see a someone I knew we realized we were there for the same reason. Meetings are all times of the day in towns all around you. I started out going to a meeting in a town about 10 minutes away until I got more comfortable. You can " google" Alanon meetings and it should give you locations near where you live. When I finally had the courage to tell a few close people (mind you it was 1 year later!) that I was separated because of my AH's drinking(and cheating) everyone I told said they had a family member or spouse who is an alcoholic. Even my doctor sat with me for 1/2 hour telling me it was never the right time to leave her husband because he is an alcoholic. You are not alone, this horrible thing touches many lives but so the love and recovery that we have here.
Telling your spouse about Alanonis a personal thing because the reaction from them can vary greatly. If there is any thought that the reaction would be violence, then no..It's not a good idea.
In my case, I did tell my husband, I think it was the beginning of outing his disease. It said to him "you have a problem and your wife is upset enough that she is seeking help". It's kind of hard to deny that. If I was at a meeting and his Mom or siblings called for me, I told them where I was. No more avoiding the issue. I didn't discuss what was going on between he and I but I did discuss what Alanon was teaching me in hopes that they would learn too.
I decided his disease wasn't MY problem to hide... in addition to my own set of issues I needed to deal with.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Personally I did a lot of confronting of the A in order to try to get him to change. I didn't get very far with that. For me the most important thing was to be come aware. The awareness was what I was dealing with, being in reality rather than in denial. Then when I was aware (and obviously this was painful) I started to take actions. There are many actions you can take, detaching is one thing, not enabling is another. Obviously everyone has their own specific path and no one can tell you exactly what to do and when. We can share our own ESH. I did find eventually not arguing with the A essential. I have not been away from him for months and I still from time to time think oh I need to call and tell him this. I don't because personally I think it just feeds into his disease. He's made it abundantly clear that he is not willing to change or even acknowledge his addiction.
Good luck.
I think its good not to rush in first thing espeically in regards to the A. I know its painful but assessing is a difficult time. At the same time you can learn how other people approached their issues by reading the archives back. That is a fascinating journey and obviously you don't have to do it all overnight (even though it feels like it).
Than you all for your kind and supporting words. I guess I have truly made the first step and that was coming here. Where the next step takes me I really have no clue at this point. I was reading somewhere about on-line meetings? How do you do that?
H
__________________
Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
While reading your post, I almost had to double check to see if I had wrote it!! Your situation almost mirrors mine, except we have 2 children. Finding this board, I have to say, is one of the best things that could of happen to me, at a time when I was at my wits end. Not knowing which way to turn or what was the best thing to do. I've have learned many things here that I really try to apply in dealing with my A. Usually they work for me, sometimes I am so mad that I forget to use them (I'm still learning).
One conclusion I have came to is no matter what my A does or doesn't do, my kids can always look back on their childhood and say "mom was there". He does try to be involved but on Saturday "movie" night, it's difficult to be involved when your passed out on the couch. I have learned to detach.
My A has admitted he has a problem and is trying to deal with it in his own way. He has said "quitting is not an option". Whatever!! So, on the nights he's good and has only had 3-5 beers....I revel in those!!! Good time to plan family things... On the nights he's WAY past that....he comes in, eats and passes out....It's still a good night for the kids and I.
I also feel the pressure of no help....he can't run the kids to sports, or run and pick up dinner unless I call him as soon as he gets out of work so he can plan for it. (plan: to not drink so that I can be a functioning person in society) I feel like I can't count on him UNLESS I have made previous reservations with him....and still then, I had better have a back up plan.
So welcome....you're not alone....you are among friends who will listen.
Welcome, h4w, you've definitely come to the right place. I'm a newcomer as well.
My story is similar to yours--I have two children also, and I've had to be the strong one, the only one that my children can depend on because my AH either incapable of helping out, or unwilling.
My AH has not accepted that he has a problem and I'm finally understanding that I will not be able to convince him. He has some health issues as well and refuses to seek help. I've been dealing with lies and coverups for more than 15 years now.
Do try to find the F2F meetings--they are very helpful.
Wow I have the same story I thought I was the only one. I am new to all of this but I have known I was living in chaos for years. My two teens are almost grown and gone, I don't want to spend all my nights and weekend alone and angry. I drive 30 minutes 2x's a week to a meeting just to get out of the house. It really has helped me especially the three C's.
Jennifer 
