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Post Info TOPIC: Trust


Veteran Member

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Posts: 44
Date:
Trust


Lots of "junk" under the bridge here.  So much junk that it seems to be blocking the trust in my Marriage.

I have owned up to alot that I have done with my mistakes and wrong doings.  And make it a point to continue to do so--regardless of the anger and pain that comes up in remembrance.  I think doing this helps me with my recovery, but sometimes I truly do wonder if it does. 

Trust is rebuilding itself, and I can see the blackness of damage--something like a house fire damage---lots of burn marks.  But I do see progress in my world.  My marriage is, I think, similar to others out there, so I'm not talking down on it.  But when I've made so much of a hard push to make everything better, why does it seem like that is impossible.  Can you fix trust with your spouse?  Is it possible to push through disaster of your own making and have something better? 

It seems far off.  I see where I was this time last year, and compare it to where I am today.  And I see lots of growth on my part.  I wonder if others can see it also. 

My AH still checks out what I do...backtracks me, follows up on what I tell him--and this is from my own faults...but I do wish that more trust could be here.  I came home this morning from the doctor's office, and found that my AH had gone through my computer to see where I had been.  Digging through my history on the computer.  That hurt me, but I'm sure that it didn't hurt him.  I wonder how to build up this trust.  Then I wonder if he can get on these posts and read what I write.  Then I give it up.  I have no control over this anymore...and never really did. 

It bothers me that no matter what I do, I still haven't the trust that I think I should have.  I try to remember that I may never get that kind of trust back, but damn does it still hurt.

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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 687
Date:

Wow if I had a majic answer for trust that would change my world too.

Anyway, I did hear something the other day saying that little bits of trust are deposited every time they check, find nothing and we don't act defensive about the checking. Perhaps even offer more reassurance. Like sharing with him what you like to look at on computer? I apologize if this is unwanted advice, I'm only saying it sounds reasonable to me. But everyone reads things differently so it may be a mistake too?? Also I know trust is built by emotional intimacy( really sharing little and big things with only your sig. other, you know how close it makes you to a friend when you have a secret with that friend?) and I know for me at least that is hard to build with an A. Especially one who was and is encouraged by family not to trust the spouse! but that's another story 

My b/f A is drinking heavily every night so there is little time for those little things that can be said or done in a relationship that show commitment, faith and trust. And I fight the "jealous" feeling of anytime he has opportunity to share his life with anyone else because my time with him is so very "foggy" due to the drinking. 

I hope you find your way to show that he can trust you and I hope when you do it is enough for him to make an effort to trust you. If you haven't already I hope you can fully forgive yourself for any past mistakes.
Sorry for your pain!
Hugs! 

-- Edited by glad at 15:14, 2008-04-03

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1917
Date:

wow JFN, I could have written your post!!

My AH and I have been separated for 2 years, though. We do not even speak any more. I try to call once a week and when he does answer (which is rare) he is surly, sarcastic, dismissive and mean.

I do not think it will ever stop- this being mean. it has been going on for over a year. Never any kind of positive remark or anything kind at all- not even anything neutral. Sarcasm. Cold.

Not much I can do about that, though. Its HIS choice and his world and his journey.

At some point, I will make some choices of my own, I can feel them coming up on the horizon. I am not willing to live with an endlessly harsh, judgemental, irritable partner for the rest of my life I do not care how many diseases he has...someone else can take care of him. Hugs, J.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 514
Date:

Trust has to be earned and that can take time. Everyone is different in that. My way of dealing with this is to try to think how I would feel if I was the one who had broken the trust and what it would take for me to gain that trust again or how I felt by the betrayal of trust.

It is called, standing in the other persons shoes. Sometimes that is really hard to do and sometimes it is not even possible. However, wherever it is possible, IMO the exercise is worth doing.

There is one draw back to this; and that is that stepping into the other persons shoes and trying to look at it from their perspective is not always possible, as you may have a much more forgiving and trusting nature and then one just has to try one's best to figure out the why's and how long's and accept that it will be in their own time and those two things - the why's and how long - that is, is not in our control and neither is the time.

Humility goes a long way in this case, whereas martyrdom does NOT help. Be careful which one you chose here.

Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.

Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1652
Date:

I'm on the other side of the coin.

My AH did a bunch of deceptive stuff to me. When I first discovered it I went through a LOT of hurt and anger.

I still catch myself at times wanting to check his email. Check his online history. Check his phone log and text messages. Check on him check on him check on him.

I can't go there anymore, though - doing that takes me for a ride on the Crazy Train.

I have to just let go and put my trust in my HP that my HP will protect me and do what's in my best interest if my AH deceives me again.

Trust is a hard, HARD thing to build back up after having it shattered.

For me, it's hard to want to trust my AH, too, when I don't see him trying to work on his issues. Or when he refuses to discuss the things with me that shattered my trust in him. He's all "avoid it and it'll go away".

This week will be the third week he's canceled an appointment to see his counselor. The only one shining ray of light I've seen in this whole thing as far as his recovery is concerned.

But I keep having to remind myself that my AH's recovery or lack thereof is not the anchor that my serenity depends upon. If he goes back to his deceptive ways, lying to me, cheating on me... then that's HIS ordeal he has to face. He has to live with that shame himself. I don't have to take part in his shame. Regardless whatever decisions he makes in his life, I am determined that I am going to be just fine. Because I've put my faith in my HP - my HP is watching my back.

It's got to be tough for you, though, because your husband is an addict - is he in recovery at all? If not, then I can certainly see why he's continually watch-dogging you. Instead of focusing on his own problems, he's made you the focus, instead.

I don't know what I could recommend for you on how to gain your AH's trust back. That's all HIS deal, really. You just continue to do the best you can for YOU.

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