The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I know progress not perfection, but when will I stop letting my big mouth, red haired temper, and my pain getting the better of me?
My normal child care provider is on vaction today and tomorrow. I asked hub, since he works nights, if her could help me out and parent our children while I am at work. (BTW he hates when I say parent the kids instead of watch them). He agreed. He also had yesterday off so he wanted an extra day with them fine.
Well this morning when I went to pick him up at his apartment I was doing good. Had a smile on my face and today was going to be a good day. So I pull up and there is her car. Then the hamster wheel started spinning. I didn't say anything. He asked if I could stop by his work real quick and I said yeah. So we did. He went in and saw her and so did I for that matter. I was hurt, crushed, and pissy.
He gets back in the car and asks what's wrong with me. Says he can sense hostility from me. I started to cry. I wanted to hold it in until after I drop him and the kids off at my place. I didn't I said her car seeing her. I can't pretend it is all ok.
Then I confronted him on a lie. Bad move especially since the kids were in the car, I know better. He blew up. Said he didn't say it. Did I let it go? Heck no. (why? I don't know). More anger came out in both of us. He told the kids he had a girlfriend now. He told the kids about my online affair I had last fall. I tried to shield this from them. I tell them I messed up and dad messed up, but the split had nothing to do with them.
He then screams that I gave up on us a long time ago. Why did I not shut up? I then scream back that I was so lonely because everytime my husband had a feeling he had to dull it. He then of course takes it that I am blaming him for everything. He obviously knows nothing of codie behavior, becuase I still blame me for a lot, but I want him to accept his part to. (I know I know expectations).
We say some really inappropriate things in front of the kids. And he says take him home he won't stay with the kids. Then he says better yet opens his door and jumps out of the car.
We then drive to my work so I can get some stuff I need to get and let them know what is going on. I tell the kids that what took place shouldn't have with them in the car. I apologized for my part in it. And let them know that I messed up, I made mistakes and that was part of why our life was the way it is. I offerred to answer any questions.
Got a call from a good friend as I was typing this. HP at work for me.
Hub just called. He hates me doesn't want anything to do with me. I was able to apologize for my part this morning. He at least let me say that.
Thanks for being here.
Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
When I read the part of you seeing her car, my stomach dropped (talk about co-dependent! LOL) I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I swear I have been in the exact same situation with my ex. Kids in the car and all. I did and said some of the same things you did. I think most importantly, let it go. I mean the fact that you and H had the fight in front of the kids. You apologized to them, told them it is ok to ask questions and YOU did the best you could in an absoulte HORRIBLE situation. And YOU STAYED! He effectivly abandonded the children. I can't tell you how many times my ex did that. It is a sick, messed up situation. It is not your fault. Try not to be over responsible for him and his mistakes. Today was all on him. No normal, caring ADULT would expose you or your kids to that kind of scene and to tell the kids right there in the middle of their little world crashing down that he has a new GF??????!!!!!! Mandy, real, caring non-sick parents do not do this. There is NO excuse for what he did, how he behaved. It was all about him, him causing you pain and the children were damaged in the process. IMO, I don't see where you have anything at all to apologize to HIM for. I know for my ex, me apologizing when he did something abusive just gave him a greater sense of entitement and rightousness and did NOT help us and our relationship at all. I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is a HUGE trigger for me and I have been there and done that. I can share with you that I have come thru it and I have learned and grown and although it hurts, I know more than I did then and I can do better. It gets better. Take what you like and leave the rest but I have major prayers going out to you today.
P.S. from one redhead to another, I know it is hard to keep our mouth shut but sometimes there are just things that need to be said. I never was the doormat type.
Tough day and tough post to read for sure Mandy, but I think we've all done that, in one form or another, to some extent. The saying of "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time", comes to mind, as does "living around alcolism, for most of us, is too much to endure on our own".
Either way, all you can do is put one foot forward, recognize what you want to change about you (posting here is a great sign that you do indeed want to change), and move forward....
As far as the "he hates me" comment.... a wise oldtimer once showed me emotions being written in circular form, with "love" and "hate" being really close to one another, whereas "apathy or indifference" are across the circle, the furthest away from either love OR hate. I always liked that analogy, so just thought it might bring you some peace.
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You know the thing that bothers me most about this and just in my experience in general - that he used the kids to get at you. Little tantrum, well I'm not taking MY OWN CHILDREN to spite YOU! I like that you choose to use the word parent rather than watch. Watch implies that they are merely like a paid babysitter rather than the RESPONSIBILITY of being a parent. I still can't understand how men just walk away from their children and think that's ok. I guess this is a touchy spot for me. I never could justify the fact that I was always the PARENT the one who was expected to take them to appointments, take off work if they were sick, deal with all their stuff and make all their arrangements, buy their gifts, plan their parties, make sure they were doing what they were supposed to, etc. There is a reason there are supposed to be two parents and guys really need to jump into the 21st century and realize that it was the woman's job when that was ALL SHE HAD TO DO!!!! Not in addition to working as much as the man if not more! UGH. Either get a good enough paying job that I can stay at home or do your share!!!!!
I don't think it was at all in any way appropriate to take you to his work and parade his new girlfriend around. That was selfish, thoughless and immature. I wouldn't tolerate it and there would be a boundary for me there at least for the time being until you get to be a little more stable and used to the idea.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am so impressed that even during times of "set backs" you are focusing on your children. Yes, better not to fight with them in car- but you are learning and growing and if you keep doing so they will see that and recover from "set backs". Keep on loving them and yourself! You will be okay!
I too experienced the same fault of having an online affair...the difference between our stories would be that I am still married and my AH and I have no children together. However, my AH has two children and I myself have one.
My kids got to see all the pain that I caused with the affair, they got to see my AH side of drinking and idiocies. Children have the adult-forgotten knack of picking up everything their parents do.
I think you acted upon you feelings--which probably needed to be heard. Unfortunately, that probably fell upon deaf ears. I also think that your apology should be sent to your children, and not the deaf A who is choosing to move his life like a flying object--with flaunting his gf to his ex and kids and an inappropriate time.
We all have our faults. We all have feelings and share happiness and pain. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You can admit what you did wrong....and from there start a list of what 'not to do's.' Don't hold yourself under the water and allow some pain there to help heal. Without some pain, there really isn't true healing.
Only my thoughts, Just For Now
__________________
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
So you made a mess of things by not keeping quite. Hey, you are human, you have limits, you were subjected to inappropriate behaviour from the A. You did try to correct it with your children, they were the innocent 'witnesses' to all of this and his behaviour was even more inappropriate when he chose to abandon the children in amongst this.
Do not beat yourself up, we learn by our mistakes and, if we apply love we can heal those wounds we inflict on others that are drawn into the trauma and it seems that although you know you were wrong you did at least keep trying to focus on the children.
Remember this one, for if there is ever a 'next time' and count to ten and say your children's names under your breath before you speak, it just might give you enough conscious time to change the words you utter.
You are doing well, and I hope that you and the children can feel the love that surrounds you tonight as I add my prayers to those of Jennifer.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 16:20, 2008-04-03
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Been there, done that, bought the damn tee-shirt even. My situation was a little different from yours but the fighting in the car with the kids, etc. and for which to this day when I think about it, it's very very painful.
On the other hand hon, please try to stay away from his place, his work (if you can) because otherwise it's like an open sore and each time you see it, it's like pouring rubbing alcohol on that open sore. It hurts really, really bad.
In love and support my friend, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
We're all human and we mess up from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. I'm sorry this happened to you and the kids. But children are resilient. They have a great Mom and I have no doubt that they will be okay. You all had a bad day. Now it's over and you can move on. I can't tell you how many times I have let things go that I shouldn't have. Just remember not to beat yourself up over this. Hold the kids tight and tell them you love them (not that they don't know that already). All will be well. Much love and blessings to you and your kids.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
