The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been a long week and quite frankly I am glad to see it come to a close. But this week has been one of not just pain, but also one of learning. I returned to a place of worship. Oh how my soul missed that.
I reached out in a time of need, which is not something I find easy to do. But it is so rewarding. I got what I needed this week, because I let people know I was hurting and in need of support.
I have been struggling with truly accepting the end of the marriage. Yes in many ways it is what I thought I wanted, but I think it is more what I need. I am glad that it ended when it did. I still love him and how sad would it be to hold on until we hated each other.
I was wondering how to move on, how to let it go. And I was watching a movie Friday night and there was this scene where a father who lost his first wife is talking to his daughter about moving on after losing a love.
She asks, "How do you let go of someone you love"?
He replies, "When you love someone, that love doesn't die when they do. It stays in our hearts forever. But we do have to say goodbye to the life we shared with them. Go on with a new life. A chance at happiness.
That hit me. No my hub hasn't died. But I am mourning the loss of a love an end to a very significant relationship. And I don't have to let that love go. That was my struggle. I didn't know how I was going to do that. But I don't have to. I need to let the past go. That, that I know I can do.
I saw him today. The first time since he slept with her. And you know what, it wasn't that bad. I saw what he did for what it was. The text he sent was meant to cripple me, and it worked for a moment. The action of sleeping with her, that was meant to drive a wedge between he and I. (His words) He wanted me to hate him, to stop loving him, and he wanted me "skin to crawl" whenever I saw him. It was so nice to be able to look him in the eye and say Guess what babe, it didn't work. But what was even better was to actually mean it. I told him that he should stop trying to kill my love for him. It wasn't is his power to do so. I said look at all we have done to each other over the years, and we still love each other. I said the marriage is over why add to the hurt.
I want his friendship, I hope I get it. He is getting mine. And hopefully we can come together and give these three beautiful innocent kids the parenting they need and deserve.
We had a good time. Took the kids to the park. lol let them run themselves all out of steam. Which after the crazy Washington snow/rain mix the past two days they needed it. Watching them run around, playing with them, and laughing with them even with all the craziness going on, was a beautiful thing. We got home and they practically went comatose on me. I didn't even get a fight when we got ready for bed. LOL now that, is worn out.
Not being able to get into the room for the meeting was a bit disappointing, but even that turned out good. I talked with someone who I consider a very dear friend. Someone who has shown me true friendship. (And I am forever grateful that I have this friendship with him) I have known that my HP brought him into my life to help me for many reasons, I learn a lot from him. Friendship I give out easily, trust not easy for me to give. He has my trust. LOL I better cuz now he has my number ;). One thing I just realized is that I can be real with him, no not can be I am. And my guard isn't up. lol I am sitting here thinking about that, that positively shocked me.
So this phone conversation took place at when I would have been at the meeting, but couldn't because for some reason the room wasn't working. But this worked. I laughed (normally do when I talk with him), I listened, I shared, and when we hung up I thanked HP. Because once again he has shown me that I am not alone. I have HP who is always with me. I have a place such as this that I can come to in my hour of need, or lol like now when I can't sleep. I have caring wonderful people in my life, many of which I am fortunate to call friend. And you know what else I have me. Something my friend said to me tonight. I never thought of that, but I have me. And she may be a little messed up, in a bit of pain right now, and had a very odd sense of humor; but something I have noticed is that this me person isn't as bad as I can make her out to be.
Like I said a long week. Monday is here and if I am gonna make it through today with a smile I better go get some shut eye.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
You are not alone... and I am so glad you are here. I went through something very similar with my ex-wife. It was hurtful, and a bit sick... but you know I did get over it and learned quite a bit from that process.
We are all here for you, and I am so impressed with your strength and your ability to see the situation so clearly. That is a huge thing... hold onto your HP and you will be just fine.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Rejoicing with you. It is wonderful to find yourself and accept yourself and realise that you are not so bad after all. I am jumping up an down and celebrating too 'cos I know what you mean. You have you, I have me, and we (every member of this family as well as you and me) have one another.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Great share my friend. At the conference this past weekend, the Alateens were selling tee shirts with "I am a woman of dignity and grace." That tee shirt would be perfect for you Girlfriend. You showed such dignity and grace to your estranged in the face of adversity.
I'm proud of ya and love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
And we are so very lucky to have you as well!
