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Hi all, just a question. It seems to me that the best people in the world associate with al-anon, right? So, it might be perfectly natural for an al-anoner to date another al-anoner, right? Yet, when I think of this, I feel a conflict of interest, somehow. Like dating someone you work with, in your job- it would be a larger loss to muddy the waters if things did not go well...anyway, just wondering what your ESH might be on this topic. Thanks- J.
Jean, Well no I haven't, but I know a few who have, do, and one couple just recently married.
What they do is attend seperate meetings. It works for them.
Over the years of living with an "A" I thought of what my next relationship might look like. I for one am pretty sure that I will be looking in the 12 step family. Someone who knows program and works a good one, but that is a long way off.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I'd do it in a heartbeat! I don't have personal experience, nor do I believe that I know any couples that are both alanons. Actually, I probably do know some couples that are... but I just don't "know" it. Make sense? LOL (It's that anonymity thang!)
I have no ESH on it....but I do think it's not a bad idea. Like going to the same church, or being in the same social circle. And I agree that dating someone who is familiar with the 12 steps (and working a program!?!?) sounds pretty good.
No one special in mind, just wondering, I mean heck I am still married to my AH, remember?! Still waiting to hear from someone who has...or is. I would definitely need to attend different meetings, that is for sure although in a smaller town area, that would be tough. thanks for your thoughts. J.
Yep I have several times. Those several times were not good for many reasons of which some of the following were; I knew more about divorce than commitment to a relationship. I knew how to subconsciously choose dysfunctional partners behind a solid black curtain of denial. I forgot that I was choosing to date women from a pool of people who come from dysfunctional relationships and are part of the dysfunction with dysfunctional habits. Lot of things and opportunities to practice changing someone with a side justification of, "Hey they're in program". LOL That is exactly the reason to use patience, open mindedness, trust (especially what I learned about dysfunctional me and dysfunctional others) the Serenity Prayer and all others tools of the program. Often times dating someone from the program came with unreasonable expectations like she's in the program so this should be better (that one went both ways) and then too I was trying to be better than normal because....(same reasons why I came here.) because of lots of shallow reasons.
My problem is me so there were come real honest complaints from the women I dated along with the messed up perceptions, attitudes and expectations.
Every date turned out to be an extended face to face meeting and I just didn't know how to have fun without referring it back to "my" program. That one was a pain in the butt. Al-Anon has helped me to learn about you I am. It helped me find me. It didn't and doesn't today define me. I've been in the program for a long while and I do have a separate personality in and out of the rooms.
There were other reasons also but short is best. My present wife is in Al-Anon and does most all the recognizable functions that others do, including myself, as a member of the World-wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. We dated before marrying and up until the day I decided to marry her there were times when I thought mistake again! That is where my program comes in. Whether with her or not I need my program so that I can be the best person I want to be regardless of who is within my fences. That includes my present wife. Our marriage is a work in progress, just as our lives and programs are. We love and support each other even while at times not liking each other. We have dysfunctions (personal) and know and admit to it. At the same time we try never to have each other suffer from it.
Most dysfunction hides behind the veil of denial. It is self awareness that throws light upon it so that I can recognize it in myself. In the meantime everyone else already knows it before I do. The dysfunctional person thinks things are normal and has justifications why they think that way...however the other people get to see the real picture as it comes about and make their choices based upon their own perceptions.
I'd rather date a clueless, non-Al-Anon person. I wasn't much of a prize myself.
I tried that thingy...dating another person while married to my addict. I think that is how Einstein came across his theory of relativity that lead to the A bomb. I don't recommend that one at all...again.
I did a "rebound" thing with a guy in alanon. We were both very fragile and it was really very special. I got to pratice being myself, holding some boundries and I didn't have to lie about how psyco my ex was. He treated me like I had never been treated. I learned alot about myself from him, like Sex was supposed to be an enjoyable thing, and I was someone worth spending time with and taking on dates. It ended when I decided that I was going to try to make my marraige work AGAIN. But he and I are still friends and chat occasionally.
I don't think I would go there (speaking for myself only). Especially when I think about all the baggage that could rear it's ugly head. Just as AA doesn't mean "cured", neither does Alanon. I'd be too afraid they were talking the talk just to find out later they couldn't walk the walk. With my luck I'd hook up with a codependent stalker with trust issues that constantly rummaged through my things looking for something to use against me. *wink*
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Actually I'm convinced that the world is broken up into two categories. Those in recovery and those needing recovery (from something!). I don't think you necessarily get the best catch by simply fishing outside of recovery waters. Just my thoughts! :)
Jerry, yes, I hear u about that solid black curtain of denial. Loud and clear. Many of the things you mentioned have occurred to me, too- just messy. But it all comes down to me and being as self-aware as possible. Always. always. this is sooo tough to work on day in and day out but this is why I have and need a program, I am not alone in the struggle.
Actually, I am feeling really good about the singleness of my life right now. So good, in fact, it would be really easy to mess that up and get involved with someone! HA! but I know I won't. First of all, I take my marriage vows really seriously and second, I know what is best for me and what would be a mistake for me. FOR ME. I am not ready. I may never be. This marriage has put me through the ringer and its pretty sweet just keeping myself company.
I think there is something to be said about testing the water. For me personally the quick intimacy of al anon would be an issue. I've dated men in programs before. We can say we are in recovery while at home there is tremendous craziness. Then the whole world knows we have a problem because its shared in all the meeting rooms. I'm sure I didn't know any better at the time.
For me personally I do look for partners (romantic partners) because I learn so much about myself in the process. For me its part of practising boundaries. Who do I want, what do they need to be, what are the boundaries. How can I not rush into a relationship. What do we need to have in common? What are the parameters? I have gone on one or two dates. I have met men who at first glance seemed to be perfect for me. I waited around and learned there were problems. Rather than seeing it all as Jerry says so eleoquently as "veil of despair" for once I'm "looking" rather than settling. I "settled" for the A because I literally was so lonely and despairing and I thought I could "make" it work.
I really don't think there is anything wrong with "looking". If I met someone in al anon I would just be sure I went to another meeting. I'd want to give the relationship some "space" not something I know much about but something I now find essential.
