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My daughter has just telephoned to say that my xfather-in-law is dying and that they are just awaiting the news of his passing.
Some years ago my father-in-law blamed me for his son's alcoholism and wrote me a terrible letter calling me a whore and much, much more. He quoted a passage from Jerimah 17, and told me never to speak, write, or have anything more to do with the family.
Now his wife and my mother were cousins, and consequently the two families were very close. They had three sons, and my mother had twin daughters - that is my sister and me - and we grew up together before my husband and I were married. My father-in-law and his wife were more parents to me than my own parents and so what happened in the above paragraph was devastating for me, for when my marriage came to an end, I not only lost the man I loved but a whole family too.
So imagine my shock. My daughter, as I have shared has great difficulty communicating with me, and her father was obstrepulous to say the least when we split up and denied me the children as well as everything else.
What is sickening in this situation is that my father-in-law, who I have forgiven many years ago, is going to his death with unresolved reconciliation; however, my daughter has been very unhappy for the last couple of days and sat down with her brother to talk about this situation and decided to approach their father asking that they tell me of Grandad's situation. My children both agreed that they had to talk with their father and told him that they felt that I should be told and that whatever had gone before there was a lot of history, not to mention that his family was my family even before we were husband and wife.
Miraculously he agreed and asked my daughter to let me know the situation with his father, and asked that I would tell my own father too as that generation were very great friends.
I told my daughter that I was deeply touched that she and her brother had talked with their father and that he had agreed that I should be told. This is my x we are talking about, that violent, asbusive A who told me he would break me and see me with NO family and would take the children for me.
There is joy and saddness in this situation. Saddness that my father-in-law is passing without reconciliation, though I can make my peace of his passing (when it happens) between God and me. Joy in that my daughter has taken such a huge step to get her father to agree that I should be told.
I asked her, if she felt comfortable enough, to give my love to her father as FAMILY, not as the X-wife, and that I wished to send my love to Granny as well at this time, whilst knowing that I could do nothing for Grandad as he had repeatedly told me he would not see or speak to me again whilst he remained on this earth, for he has cut me off.
I then rang MY father to tell him, and all I got for my troubles was the same old same old - and the olive branch broken once more. Even though I was gentle and kind and caring about the call, and took the complaints and the bitterness and the 'telling off' once more, he totally oblivious to any feelings I might have or the shock that I might be in. He has never once been in touch with me, even that I have communicated to him, since my mother's death in 2004. He is dead to me, the living dead and remains so. I heart grieves.
I have done what was asked of me, and I am deeply touched by the seed of reconciliation that has been sown between my x as family and with my daughter too. However, I am devasted by the unresolved issues that will go to my father-in-law's grave with him, and floored by my own father's continued cruel and self-centred heart. Even at this time, after my own mother's death he has not changed at all, and the family will continue, at least at that generations level, to be dysfuctional.
Now I need to accept the things I can change in this situation and have the courage to change the things I can - ME and my response.
I ask for prayers for both sides of my dysfunctional family and for my daughter - and the love she has shown me today - as well as my son as we all wait for the news of my father-in-law's passing.
Thank you, for letting me get this pain out of my brokenness.
broken just managing to breathe and hold on to reality of goodness within this time warp that I feel I am in at present.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Prayers on the way. Death and dying are so hard to deal with even when there are no special circumstances. Despite the hard feelings and unresolved issues you sound like you have a beautiful perspective on the entire situation. This was inspiring to me.
I have no contact with the ex inlaws. And when faced with this situation at some point in the future I will think back to what you have shared and maybe be able to handle it all in a more graceful way then how I had been taught. I was thinking of when a family member was dying and my father asked me to pass along to my mother (as they never spoke) that this family member wanted to make sure that my mother knew that he didn't want her any where near his hospital room. I had to relay this message ( or so I was told) and I did. And ofcourse, my mother blamed me. And I was told to send a message back from her saying that she wouldn't even dream of going anywhere near his room with a few choice words thrown in. I did not relay that message! And if my daughter ever came to me saying that she talked it over with her dad and they had decided to tell me about ex MIL dying, my natural reaction might have been "who the heck do you and your father think you are? Have to run it by the comittee before speaking to me, your mother?!" After what you have shared, I think I will be able to just recieve the message without the drama of my ego being involved. Thank you, what a gift! And please know that I am praying for you also....
prayers and best thoughts are with you HB, you sound like you are making the best of a very painful and complicated situation and that is beautiful to see. You are definitely keeping "your side of the street clean". As for your x-FIL, his lack of reconcilliation is no reflection on anyone but himself. He chose to turn to harshness and fear, no one else did. You have managed your own reconcilliatory gestures and choices and that is all any of us can do- "the courage to change the things we can".
I had tremendous idealized feelings about my family and death. I had some idea that someone who had never been in recovery could reconcile lots of issues about family of origin before they died. Of course none of that came to be.
I also had a tremendous wish, urge, craving that both my sisters (both alcoholics) would get into recovery when our parents died. That didn't happen
I used to think all that was a tremendous catastrophe. Now I don't. I see it as their choice. I really would have willed that they get some perspective but they didn't.
They all had resources, even my mother, who refused to accept help right up until she died.
I don't feel bitter about it anymore but I'm no longer prepared to grieve for an illusion. My entire family were really ill most of their lives. None of them had a moment when they wanted recovery. I opened the dialogue many times about recovery, acknowledgement, you name it and was pinned to the floor for it.
I'm having to let go and let god.
I empathise a great deal. I think coming to terms with my family or origin is one of the biggest pieces of work I have ever done.
oh hi dear I can only send you a hug. Those undone things are very hard my dear.
i had issues not said with my daddy. Bad things he died with out knowing my stupid brother was lieing about. rrrrrr He always lied about me to my parents!!
This is a surrender moment. This is powerlessness. There is no requirement that we like it all or any of it all that is required is surrender and acceptance and stay within your program, directly under your HP taking care of yourself and then helping others. It would be nice or sound nice that you got the opportunity to tell him he is forgiven whether he accepted or not and without telling him why. Maybe you can have your HP do that...pass your forgiveness and love on. That is what I understand HP is all about so it will right up His alley.
I like how all the changes came about for you on this without your help. Almost kinda miraculous.
broken just managing to breathe and hold on to reality of goodness within this time warp that I feel I am in at present.
