The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I am not sure that I am in the right place, as I understand this is a forum for people living with loved ones that are alcoholics but I would like to share my story anyway. I have been married now for 10 years. Looking back now, my husband has always had an addictive personality. Before we got married or even started dating he was using street drugs and drinking. When we got together he drank some but shortly there after he stopped drinking. Then he became very addicted to the computer. Skipping ahead a few years (after 2 children who are now 8 and 6) he had back surgery in 2005. The year before his back surgery he was taking a lot of pain medication just to get through the day. Once he had the surgery he had to take oxycontin because his body had built up such a tolerence to the other pain meds and nothing seemed to help his pain. For the 6 months after the surgery he still used the pain medication and after a while I realized that he was getting the prescriptions and a few days later the pills were gone. I started getting emails from online pharmacies and family members were saying that he was stealing thier medications and asking them to get him pills. I finally approached him on the subject when we got a letter from our family doctor that said he could no longer be treated in his practice until he got help with his addiction to pain medication. As time went on and he swore he wouldn't take anymore pills of course I found out that he had and I asked him to leave and for a few weeks he did. My children and I missed him and he came back. We went to marriage counseling and he went to a recovery program at our church. I thought things were going very good until about a month ago. I found out that he opened a credit account and took out cash advances, money was just being spent friviously from our checking account (like hundreds of dollars every week). Then I recieved a bill from the emergency room saying he owed them money from a visit in November of 2007. He swore up and down that he had not gone to the emergency room and it must have been a mistake. I then contacted the insurance company and they said yes he was there and for the last year he had been filling pain medication RX's at least 1 to 2 times a month. When he came home that night I talked to him about it and he said he was at the ER and he was filling the RX's but it was only to sell the pills to pay back a huge gambling debt. I was floored. I don't believe he wasn't taking the pills and as far as a gambling debt I will never know if that is true or not. I have just been an emotional wreck. Not knowing if I should ask him to leave or not. He refuses to believe that he is addicted to anything (pills or gambling) and that he can just stop it isn't a problem. I want to help him but I am so mad right now. I don't know if I am "in" love with him anymore after all of the lies and mistrust. I just didn't know where to turn for some advice or just to be able to vent. I pray all the time about it and am in the process of trying to figure out what to do with my life and the life of my children. I just don't have the answers right now and am taking it one minute at a time. Thank you for listening. I am sorry if this is not the place for me to share my story but I felt I needed to talk about it somehow.
You are in the right place. The exact right place. Keep comming, reading, posting. If you can get to face to face meetings as soon as possible you will hear that your story is very similar to many others. And the feelings you are having, the stages you will go thru, we have all been there. Just talking about it helps so very much. They say we are only as sick as our secrets. This is a safe program to let those secrets out and know you will not be judged or told on. This program has saved my life and my sanity. Keep comming back!
Boy are you in the right place. Seems like every new person starts with I don't know if I'm in the right place... If you read the posts here you will see that you are definitely not alone. My husband was a heroin addict, I know all about the ER visits for pain meds, etc. Addicts lie and manipulate and do anything they have to do to get what they want. This program will save you and open your eyes to the fact that you're not alone in this~! keep coming back, post your stories, read others, get to a face to face meeting if you can.
Thank you so much for the reassurance. I have been reading that you have to learn how to separate the disease from the person. I don't understand how not to get upset when he does what he does and just accept it and learn how to react to it. I know he is lying all of the time and I don't trust him so how do I learn to live with him and trust him unless he gets some help. I have our finances seperate at this point because he steals money. Technically he can get into our joint account but the day his paycheck gets directly deposited I take it all out and give him cash to survive on for the week. I pay all of the bills and have my own savings account and my own checking account. This past month we just haven't really talked because I have been so angry with him for what he is doing and how it has hurt me and my family. My 8 year old daughter knows and says when she is missing money from her wallet "oh I guess daddy took it". She doesn't know why he takes it but she knows he steals from her. I have hid her wallet so he doesn't know where to find it but it breaks my heart to hear her say that. I have thought about divorce or separation but frankly I need his income (what little it is) to make ends meet. I only work part time because my children are small and I have to be here after school so I work 3 days and put my kids in daycare part time. I would like my marriage to work but I have been on such a rollercoaster ride for so many years that I don't know how to love him anymore or be a wife. I have just burried my head into my kids life for the last 5 years that I don't know what else to do to even just be a woman. Well, thank you again for listening.
I have just been an emotional wreck. Not knowing if I should ask him to leave or not. Yep, you are in the right place!
Emotional wreck = Alanon = help for YOU!
Only you can decide if you should ask him to leave or not... and you can choose to ask him (or to not ask him) to leave "just for today." Base your decisions on what is best for you and your children.
Your husband will use (or not use) regardless of what you decide.
I'm glad you are here. Please keep coming back. You are worth it!
I can relate to your story very much. The lies I dealt with were huge. I can also relate to being in denial, being enraged the works.
You will find a lot of help here.
I wouldn't say acceptance is about "just accepting". I think acceptance for me was about taking lots and lots and lots of actions actually so it was active rather than passive.
For me I'd lived in denial, bargaining, rage, grief for years. Then I came here and got super busy. This room is still a lifeline for me and I no longer live with an A. That says a lot. I'm codependent and that is such a huge issue for me these days.
I am glad you made it to this place it gets better believe me it gets better over time. I'm not saying he will get better but if you work on your issues you will get better regardless of what he does.
what exactly does codependant mean? I have heard it many times before and I am not sure of the definition.
thank you for all of your reassuance. I actually wrote my husband a letter today expressing my feelings because it seems as if we talk we fight so I thought writing him a letter would help me get out my feelings where he would listen to what I was saying instead of being defensive. I more or less told him that I can not control what he does but that I am changing how I react to his addiction. I told him that I don't know what is in store for our marriage but I am taking it one moment at a time. I said that I don't trust him and not sure if or when I would be able to look him in the eye and tell him that I love him and that I am hurt. I also told him that I pray for him everyday that he will realize that he needs help and can't do it alone and that he stops denying that he has a problem. I said that I am not really mad at him but mad at the situation that I am up against and that it is all of the lying that has hurt me.
I am very glad that I found this website and it does do me a lot of good to talk about it with people who understand what I am going through and how I feel.
This program can save your snaity and maybe your life - however, it doesn't promise to save your marriage. Maybe you will be able to come to some sort of accomodation so that you can continue to live with him while protecting yourself, or maybe you will find that the best answer for you is to leave him. Either way, there are people here who have been down that path.
Do what you have to in order to get some breathing room and some time to decide what is right for you. You do not have to make choices right now if you don't feel able to. Good for you for keeping finances seperate - my husband was a crack addict, and it's amazing how much money can just melt away. So, pat yourself on the back - your instincts are good, and you already know to take care of yourself. Keep coming back, keep learning.
