The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all thank you for all the support from my last post. I have the best family here. Thank you all for the outpouring of love to a very hurt person.
I am not sure of the outcome of last night from what he did. He and I have a pretty strong connection and when I had a feeling that things happened in the past, I just knew something happened. I feel in my "gut" that it happened last night. Right now until I hear it from him I am trying not to think about it, easier said than done though.
HP was really looking out for me today. I recently was made coordinator of a new program here and we have different modules that each member of the staff steps up to facilitate. Today I sat in to observe Anger Management so I can learn how to facilitate it when my director is unable to facilitate it. Sitting in on the class was a spiriual experience and helped me so much and I learned about me. I then had to facilitate stress management next, lol I saw HPs hands in it all during angermanagement. I recently volunteered to be my divisions member for the agency wellness team we are starting and our first meeting was today. So pretty much all day has been a take care of me day and bonus I got paid for it.
The hurt is very much still there. I learned today that my biggest trigger for anger is powerlessness, lol go figure that being a codie's trigger. But I can smile through the pain, while not pushing it down. I very much feel it, but I am not letting it own me.
Like we said in the meeting last night that our wonderful danz chaired. Pain is a huge learning tool. So once I get through it, I will have learned something, and I think I am starting to already.
Thanks for being here. I need you all.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I have a lot of low level anger and have to really watch it daily to not be full of resentment. I also have to really manage my energy. When I think of how much time I spent obsessing on the A. I used to spend 24 hours a day on it.
I used to have a lot of "gut" stuff about the A. Last year when he became homeless I "knew" he was in trouble. The irony is of course day one in our relationship he was in trouble because of his reckless behavior.
I've had to turn off the "gut" feeling. I am no longer responsible for the A. I gave that back to him. I think that's more dignified. I was thoroughly undignified and out of control most of the time with panic/rage/fear/anger..all out of control. Detachment helped immensely but so does self monitoring. I realise I need now to do a 10th step daily to monitor how I am doing. I have not done that as a rule. I will start that soon.
I am glad you can see the influence of HP in your life. Where I struggle is when things go awol like when my cat died, lost my job, lived with psychopath room mates and more. I dont want to hold that to HP too. I know I learn from that stuff but really sometimes I have had it with the learning. I just need some rest somedays so I do struggle with the issue of seeing HP in the good things, what about the bad stuff too. I wouldn't want to think a HP would put so many catastophe's in my path. Some days my life was nothing but catastrophe and it was really hard to get through those days. Maresie.
((Mandy))) Thank you for that share....I know for me that the feeling of powerlessness has triggered anger and resentment in me. But, when I can turn the focus on what I do have power over..that being me...it really helped with the anger I feel. I had to smile at your HP doing for you...what you needed when you needed it. I just had a similar experience...I prayed for guidance and my HP led me to exactly where I needed to be...and I did feel so much better. Keeping you in my prayers...thank you again for that inspiring post. your friend in recovery, rosie
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life and you learn that love doesnt mean possession and company doesnt mean security and loneliness is universal.
And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes wide open with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.
And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that love, true love always has joys and sorrows seems ever present, yet is never quite the same becoming more than love and less than love so difficult to define.
And you learn that through it all you really can endure that you really are strong that you do have value.
Love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
What a beautiful post to start my day with. Congratulations on your promotion. I am sure you will be fabulous at it.
You hit the nail on the head with powerlessnes and anger. I never thought about it that way. It's especially true with hubby's mental illnessess. He has super anxiety, sleep disorder, PTSD, and OCD tendencies on top of the addiction! I can handle the addiction to alcohol. I know I have no control over that. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I must think that I can control his emotional stuff by making sure he stays on top of his meds and showing him new ways to cope etc. But I find myself getting frustrated and angry when his meds don't work the way they should. Or if he fights them I feel the need to "correct things". How messed up is that?
Thanks for being a huge part of my recovery. You are a source of inspiration. Hoping you find lots of peace and serenity no matter what happens. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 07:50, 2008-03-27
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sure you will be fabulous at it. 
