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Hello. I've recently started looking at this page and quietly reading the forums without repling or signing up as a member. I've got the night off from work tonight and I think I'm ready to talk about my situation.
I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 25. We met a year and a half ago and have lived together since April of last year (so about a year now). I fell for him immediatly, as he did for me. He's a very good, kind man. He's got a passion for life you don't see in many people. But, as all people do, he's got his problems.
When we met he was drinking almost every night. I really didn't care because I was doing to same thing. I had just moved out to AZ and hadn't started school or work yet so I saw going out as the only way to socialize. We partied together for about two weeks - then I started school. It was easy for me to cut off the drinking, I was just having fun passing the time until I knew I had to get serious. I was open with him about it - I have this way of being almost TOO honest. I told him "I need a man around in my life who can take things seriously. I am busy (with work and school I was pulling 60 hour weeks) and I don't have time for somone who doesn't have their stuff together". He said okay and the drinking slowed down a lot after that. He was sweet, accomidating to my needs (maybe too much as I reflect on it), and loving. We went on like this for months. Things were great - we really fell for eachother. About 7 months into our relationship I noticed he had started drinking a little more again. He was drinking like 5 beers four nights a week or so. I started to question him - why do you need to do this? I would ask him to stop for the night - he would. Eventually the situation came to a head and he decided to quit drinking. I thought that it was great, everything was fine. I have never had an alcoholic close to me in my life so this disease is new to me. I didn't even know he had a problem - but I think there was an awful lot he hid from me. He attended meetings, but I never saw him reading the book or doing any work. He didn't have a sponsor. Hell, I didn't even know AA had sponsors - so I couldn't see anything missing. All I saw was that he wasn't drinking. Christmas came and money was tight. He seemed stressed and somehow disconnected. We had bought plane tickets to see my family and we went. It was a really nice time - no drinking, holiday normalties. At the end of January things started to change. He became different, distant. He looked pale (a subtle thing, but noticable by someone who loves you), and he was quiet a lot. I went out with a friend one night and came home - he was already in bed. I thought I smelled alcohol but I wasn't sure (I had gone out drinking - mind you, I had only had three drinks). So I let it go. A few weeks later the same thing happenend. I couldn't let it go by so I confronted him the next morning. He admitted to going out and drinking twice. He said he hadn't done it any more than that - I believe him because we do live together and there isn't all that much that goes unseen. I was angry - SO angry. And things only got worse from there. He was still distant and so was I. But I decided to let it go - as long as he didn't lie to me again. But things just didn't feel right. One day he came home from work and I knew something was up - something big. He told me that he had been smoking pot for 2 months and hiding it from me. That he didn't think he could handle a relationship. He said he didn't think drinking was his problem, but that he just wanted to smoke and go to work and be alone. He brought up the topic of who was going to move out, who was going to take the dog, etc. I was FURIOUS. He said all of this with NO emotion - he was stone cold. This man had just dropped me! How could he just throw away a relationship of a year and a half!?! For three days he slept in the living room and I stayed in the bedroom - we both came and went without speaking. I had called my parents the night it happened and told them. He would be out until 3 am those three days but I knew I couldn't let myself worry or wonder where he was. He didn't care - so I couldn't care. On the fourth morning I heard him in the shower, he was bawling - hard. He came into the room at sat on the bed. I sat listening in anger and he told me he was so sorry. He said that he did have a problem with alocohol - a huge problem and that he wanted to get help. He expressed his love and hoped I could open myself up just a little in order to understand. He went to two AA meetings that day. Since then, he has been 'working the program' in a way that I've never seen. He goes to meetings almost everyday (some days he works doubles so he can't). He's got a sponsor, a workbook etc. He's developed a relationship with a higher power and has discussed that with me. He's even brought up praying together. ( I haven't been religious since '99 but I'm open to the concept of a higher power). He sensed I was upset the other night and asked me what was wrong. He told me later, that before I started talking he prayed that God would let him hear what I had to say. To really hear it, and listen to it. He's been open and willing to listen to the thoughts I have. I've got a lot of anger from all this past stuff and I tend to bring it up more than I would like. But he listens to me with patience and tolerance. My parents came out to visit about 2 months ago. I was concerned it would be really uncomfortable, as I had told them the whole situation. One night when I was at work he decided to take them out to dinner and talk to them about his situation. He told them straight up what had happened and answered their questions. You have to admit - that takes a lot. Later on I talked to my parents about it and they were moved that he was so open. They want things to work out with us. They ask about him often when we speak on the phone. They are proud of his progress. So, he's on his way to something good. I really hope so anyway. He wants me to go to Alanon meetings but doesn't push it. I'm having some problems with that though. I'm having these feelings of "Well I didn't do anything wrong, why do I need to go to a class?" I'm wondering if this is common. Why should I need help from AA if I have no personal problem with alocohol? So I'm sort of stuck at a stand still with that. I love him, I do. And I want to be supportive - but sometimes I think it would be so much easier to walk away than to do this work. After all, I'm not the one who was 'bad'. Unfortunatly, right now we are in a bit of a situation. He is doing great in the program, but all of this stuff happened pretty recently. Our lease is up and he wants to rent a house together. He told me (because I asked) that it could just be his name on the lease if I wanted. (So that way if anything were to happen it wouldn't be so hard for me to leave. This made me feel better.) But I'm still afraid. I guess if I'm not signing then yeah, it's easy for me to split if I want to. And I know in my heart I don't want to leave right now. It's just scary. If we do this all of my money will go into helping with the deposit, etc. I know it'll only take a few months if I want to build that money back up, but still. So now I don't know what to do. He's doing great. He's been open - I have really seen a marked difference in him. But should this go on? I know everyone deserves another chance but God knows I have broken it off with men for MUCH less than this. But there's something special about him.
**I would like to make a note that he was never mean when he was drinking. I never, ever felt threatened or afraid.
I'm just looking for any kind of support or advice. I thought this would be a good baby step into alanon meetings.
Welcome to the MIP family. The fact that you have found us, tells us that you need Alanon. I too came from a family where I only had aunts & uncles and other distant relatives that were alcoholics. My parents weren't. Barely touched a drop.
Here's the thing about this disease. It's a disease, a family disease. This disease doesn't go away because he maintains sobriety. It will always be there. It will always be a life long battle for the addict. There is anger in your post (and that's okay) and confusion. The more you know about this disease the better off you will be. You will be surprised about how much good Alanon will do for you. You will use the tools in dealing with him and take the tools outside of the home. I use them at work all the time. It's okay not to be religious. I am more spiritual.
The thing about a relationship is that the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. As one of my great teachers here on this board has reminded me a thousand times, the addict can't come home to the same old home or old idea. I was the old idea! I didn't have a problem, why should I change? Well I have news for you, she was so right. I had to learn how to change my reactions to things. He's a chronic relapser. The more I work this program, the better I handle the situations. I don't have the anger I once had. I know I am responsible for the choices I make. I am responsible of how I react or not react to him.
AH and I have strong bond when it comes to our recoveries. I am not an addict but I have been affected by this disease. Like his addiction if left unchecked (by not working a my program) I will go backwards in my recovery. I can become just as sick (sometimes even sicker) than he is. I don't want to go down that path. I can't urge you strongly enough to learns as much as you can about this disease. Find some local face-to-face meetings to get too. Go back and read some of our old posts. There's lots of good information there. Please keep coming back to us. I wish you both success in your journeys of recovery. Love and blessings to you and your families.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is common for the non-alcoholic to think they didn't "do" anything, so why should they have to "work a program." I thought it, too... as did just about anyone who posts on this board or who attends face-to-face meetings.
You do it for yourself... so that you can learn (over & over again, if necessary) that you didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You do it so that you can find comfort in knowing that if he relapses, it wasn't your fault (most of us blame ourselves for their drinking/drugging... figuring it was something we did to cause them to use).
I didn't believe that I would EVER blame MYSELF for HIS drinking... but guess what? I did.
I've been in Al-Anon since 1999... and a member of this board since 2005. I still have times when I think, "Why the hell should I have to work a program?" But I keep finding myself coming back... sometimes crawling back.
I winced when I read your post... because that was the description of me and my A-bf when I first started dating him in 1994. I so related to it.
That was us then... this is you guys now. There is no way to know which way your relationship will go... no guarantees one way or the other. It could end up wonderful. It could end up not so wonderful.
I'm glad you are here and that you shared what is going on in your life. Your sharing helps every single member here (and every single person who is just lurking and reading but not yet ready to post).
Your story parallels mine with one exception: I was married for two years before my loving, gentle, warm, caring husband took his first drink in my presence. I thought nothing of his having a beer on a hot August afternoon. I did not know what lurked below the surface. He hadn't bothered to tell me that he was a sober alcoholic and had been sober for twenty five years...Didn't think it was an issue. Hmmmm.
There followed two horrible years of drunkenness. I was totally unprepared. Like you, I had no experience with alcoholics, and did not know what to do. I was angry, bitter, hurt, and very nearly insane before I found AlAnon. I am a strong person who thought she could handle anything; I made it when my first husband (father of my children) died. I, alone, reared two sons to successful adulthood. I went bravely on alone, and took care of myself for the next eighteen years. But nothing prepared me for life with an alcoholic. It was the first situation in my life that I could not handle alone. There are not words to describe the devastation my heart endured. I guess I was driven to AlAnon by a feeling of total helplessness.
Today, although, as a human with human failings, the anger surfaces now and then - he goes on a three-day binge once or twice a year - I am able to go on with my life whether he drinks or not. I have people I can talk to who listen and understand, and shoulders to cry on if I need them.
I think one of the wisest things you could do is not marry this alcoholic boyfriend. By doing so you put yourself in harm's way both morally and financially by his misdeeds.
I hope you will come back here often. We all have one thing in common even though we are a widely diversified group of people. We come from every ethnic group, every religious belief (or lack of), and every walk of life. Some of us are poor; others are well-to-do. But we are all sisters and brothers.
I wish you all good things,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have no advice for you, I just filed for divorce today so it isn't the best day to catch me. I have to agree wholeheartedly with Diva about marriage my finances will be haunting me for the next 6 years because of my choices about cosigning vehicles with him. I am a single mom raising 3 kids alone with no support in a place far from my "home". We do a program because it helps us to be better functioning human beings not because we have done something wrong...
It's completely normal to ask, what did *I* do? Why should *I* be punished? Here's the irony: Alanon turns out to be a blessing, not a punishment. When I first came, I came because I had SAID I would do ANYTHING to help my husband, whose alcoholism had just exploded - I had had no idea how bad it was, since he mostly drank at work (!)
Much of what I heard in those first weeks annoyed me very much. Yet at the same time, I noticed that my week was calmer when I had been to a meeting. Eventually I figured out that I could make my week calmer ON PURPOSE by going to a meeting. There's definitely a kind of "alanon-speak" and it takes a while to acclimate to that - kind of like learning a foreign language.
I would suggest getting yourself to some meetings, and pay attention to how you feel. Is it like coming home? Is it people who think the way you do? Do you feel more hopeful or peaceful after a meeting? THEN decide if it's the right thing for you.
My husband has recently celebrated 4 years sober and our relationship is much, much healthier. It helps a lot that we both have a program and that can inform our interactions. It also gives us both somewhere else to vent besides on each other, when that's appropriate.
Remember you always have options. What about extending the lease on the apartment for one more year, how do you feel with that idea? What about having a house lease in YOUR name only? These are questions to ask yourself not necessarily because you want to do them, but so you can pay attention to how you feel - not how you think - when you entertain them.
For me, I realized after being in alanon for a while (Alanon = Alanon Family Groups, and are for anyone who is concerned about or has been affected by another's drinking; AA = Alcoholics Anonymous, and is for anyone seeking help in getting and staying sober. Both are about learning healthier ways of being in the world and with other people) - I realized that in my family of origin, while I was not exposed to drunkenness, I WAS exposed to the BEHAVIOURS of alcoholism - denial, spin, blame, guilt, shame, etc. I now think it was no accident that the man I married, while not yet drinking alcoholically at the time we married, had that potential. I would probably have gone on and picked another one if I hadn't married him. And the help I have gotten in Alanon has also helped me to address issues from my childhood that I have had a terrible time coming to terms with.
((LittleChef)) I can kind of relate in the fact that my Aboyfriend and I met while we were out and it took me a few weeks to realize he had a drinking problem. But the fact that I was attracted to him didn't surprise me becuase my dad drinks too. That's where you and I differ. My boyfriend and I have only been together for a year on St. Pat's day. I realized a long time ago with him that he was going to drink no matter what I said or did. HE had to hit his own bottom to realize what he was doing to his life, body, spirit, and to the life of the people around him. I am thankful that he did because of MY need to "fix" people (him) I asked him what I could do to help him stay sober, he suggested I go to Al-Anon meetings. I went and discovered that the meetings were NOT to help US keep the A sober, it's to help us help ourselves. The meetings teach us that it's nothing WE did or didn't do, that it's a disease. The meetings have taught ME what I need to do to change ME and keep ME healthy. It helps to come to believethat a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. There IS a Higher Power at work in ALL of our lives, and when we realize that and turn our will over to that Higher Power, things begin to change.
Keep coming back here and reading and posting becuase these people have alot of experience, strength, hope, and love to offer. I've only been here about 2 weeks and they have helped me so much, for that I will always be greatful.
Also, do your best to attend face to face meetings.
Well reading your post helped me some. I am one year out from a relatonship with an A that lasted 7 years. Much of that relationship is still a blur to me.
There were lots of signposts along the way. One was to make huge financial commitments to an A. I would not do that now if you gave me all the tea in China. I had much the same thoughts you have, I need to give this a chance, he needs me, I want to have a committed relationship. Indeed having a committed relationship with an addict if they are in recovery or not is pretty difficult business.
So one of my strong suggestions and remember its a suggestion not a maxim is not to move into somewhere with a lease. You can move to somewhere that's month to month if needbe. If he's in early recovery its not a good idea to be making huge commitments is it? Of course I certainly didn't do that when I was with the A. Believe me the price I paid is huge. My credit is severely damaged as a result of it (there is more than that in there but this isn't about me its about you).
I'm glad you have support and caring.
The more you know about alcoholism the better it is for you. Not that you are there to primarily help him but for you to understand his behavior, his need to hold onto you at this time and more.
Of course for me right 4 years into Al anon after years of complaining about "him" and what he "did" to me. Now the primary focus is on me, what is my codependent behavior, how does it affect me, how does it hold me back from my life, A or no A. I'm here for me not to help someone be sober.
The paradox of this program is that I came in because I felt he was so "ill" and found instead that I was the one who was ill and I have my own program to work now regardless of what "he" does.
The more resources you can have for you, books, meetings, resources, sponsors, counselors whatever the better it is for you regardless of whether this relatonship continues or not.
